A Grateful Heart

It was 44 years ago today

that my Mother was so quickly and painfully

snatched from my young life

 There have been many

April 24th's

which have held overwhelming grief,

and a deep, aching sadness

This one is so different.

We picked our daughter up from university residence

late Monday afternoon

She's living out of boxes

until May 1 

when we move her into a townhouse with friends

in the city which has been her new home

for the past 8 months.

 And I am just drinking in the deep joy

of this concentrated time with her!!!

She has already had almost 14 more years with

her Mama

than I had with mine.

And I'm just so overwhelmingly grateful

for the days and weeks and months and years

 I have had in which to heap on her

all the love my Mama's heart holds

The past 2 days have been full

oh so very full--

just being together

and sharing life--

baking, cooking, sharing meals, packing, errands, lounging

Mmmmm...sigh...I love it!

I'm tired

and I will get even more tired

but this sacrifice of

love and gratitude

flows freely

I would still love to share the moments of my life with my Mother

but that is not to be

But I am ever grateful

that God in His sweet mercy

gave me a baby girl so many years ago

Today I bask in the richness of His

 mother/daughter gift to us.

"It Is Finished!"

"It is finished!"

The last words Jesus breathed from the cross

The incredibly powerful words which break Lent

and send me in a new direction 

These were the words I needed to hear from Jesus

Life-giving words which seem to release me
and awaken me to a new found freedom

I am free!!!

Because of Christ
I am free!!

Free to
enjoy less
or more

Free to
live simply
or extravagantly

Free

An extravagant, overflowing gift of love
from my Saviour

Resurrection Morning!!!!!!!!!!

 "He is risen!

He is risen indeed!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nm7zcgcUoyg#aid=P-Y6Sb_OiFM

The Suffering Servant--Isaiah 53:10-12

"Yet it was the Lord's good plan

to bruise him and fill him with grief.

but when his soul has been made an offering for sin,

then he shall have a multitude of children, many heirs.

And when he sees all that he has accomplished

by the anguish of his soul,

he shall be satisfied;

and because of what he has experienced,

my righteous Servant shall make many to be counted

righteous before God;

for he shall bear all their sins.

Therefore I will give him the honors of one who is 

mighty and great,

because he has poured out his soul unto death.

He was counted as a sinner,

and he bore the sins of many,

and he pled with God for sinners."

Did you grasp those words?

"...when he sees all that he has accomplished

by the anguish of his soul,

he shall be satisfied."

Jesus is satisfed

He looks at you and I

and our robes of righteousness

made possible by his death

and 

he

is

satisfed

The heart of the Father

the heart of the Son

they beat for you and I

Hallelujah!

The Suffering Servant--Isaiah 53:7-9

"He was oppressed and he was afflicted,

yet he never said a word.

He was brought as a lamb to the slaughter;

and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb,

so he stood silent before the ones condemning him.

From the prison and trial they led him away to his death.

But who among the people of that day realized 

it was their sins that he was dying for--

that he was suffering their punishment?

He was buried like a criminal in a rich man's grave;

but he had done no wrong,

and had never spoken an evil word."

I never know quite how to live out this day--

Good Friday

How can I go about daily life

when I remember how they 

took His life

More succinctly--

how my sin

took His life

It's just all so mind numbingly

impossible to grasp

the willingness of this God-man

to suffer my punishment

 so that I could live out today--

this Good Friday,

with

joy

and gratitude

and 

humble remembrance

The Suffering Servant--Isaiah 53:4--6

"Yet it was our grief he bore,

our sorrows that weighed him down.

And we thought his troubles

were a punishment from God,

for his own sins!

But he was wounded and bruised for our sins!

He was chastised that we might have peace;

he was lashed and we were healed!

We are the ones who strayed away like sheep!

We, who left God's paths to follow our own.

Yet God laid on him the guilt and sins

of every one one us!

It really was all about 

me

wasn't it?

Every grief

and sorrow

You bore was

mine

Each wound and bruise

and

tear of the whip

was for me

I did my own thing

I still do

I leave Your path

for my own

But You heap it all on Yourself

The horrid load of my sin-bent ways

was Yours to carry

for me

May my love 

as feeble as it is

make this day

about

You

 

 

The Suffering Servant

"They shall see my Servant beaten and bloodied,

so disfigured one would scarcely know 

it was a person standing there.

So shall he cleanse many nations.

But oh, how few believe it!

Who will listen?

To whom will God reveal his saving power?

In God's eyes he was like a tender green shoot,

sprouting from a root in dry and sterile ground.

But in our eyes there was no attractiveness at all,

nothing to make us want him.

We despised him and rejected him--

a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief.

We turned our backs on him

and looked the other way when he went by.

He was despised and we didn't care."

--Isaiah 52:15, 53:1-4

Such a growing

awful

awe-filled 

fullness within me

The more I read His word

the more I grow in wonder

The more I peer into the drama unfolding

the more aware I become

of the incomprehensible depth of His sacrifice

The more I mediate on this

Suffering Servant

the fuller my soul becomes

My words are few

 

Room for God

"What kind of life does my heart want?

I find no easy answers to that question,

but I know the answer means

giving up the fantasy of always moving forward

and allowing instead for seasons of dormancy.

And it is always time to listen.

Perhaps the heart's single greatest desire

is to listen attentively to the voice of God

speaking through scripture, nature, daily events,

and the kind of reflection that leads to expanding self-knowledge.

My heart wants the kind of life that leaves room for God."

--Elizabeth J. Canham

"Heart Whispers"

It is one of my fantasy's--

that I am to be always moving forward

And though there is something very good in

such an expressed desire,

it is not reality.

I struggle with

unknown

and yes,

waiting

But in rereading the words of Elizabeth J. Canham

last evening,

I knew again that 

to pose my heart for listening for His voice

is all that He asks

I don't have to figure it all out

just make room for God. 

Waiting Again

The unknown

unrest

and questions

continue as themes this Lent

In the earlier days of this journey

"less"

and 

"simple"

seemed paramount

so that I could hear God

and see Him at work

Then suddenly

"grace"

covered me

and I felt almost invigorated by the truth that

"all is grace".

Now

in these remaining days

the

"less"

and 

"simple"

feel ritualisitc

and more about keeping this "law" I made.

And maybe this is okay.

Maybe it's okay to follow this "law"--

listening

Perhaps I am to seek a new focus

or look at it with a different lens--

"What does God still desire to reveal to me through

"less"?

through

"simple"?

But where does

"all is grace"

fit in????

I so need this truth within

And my journeying through Lent has led me here

yet I fail to live this consistently...

the last few days more so again 

I resonate completely with Salina Beasley who pens these honest words--

"I am a recovering Pharisee.

Having spent three decades in 

chapels, sanctuaries, and fellowship halls

of all smells, shapes, and sizes,

only in recent years has it occurred to me

how much of my faith has been based on religious duty

and so little on the Gospel of God's grace...

So how can a recovering Pharisee approach the religious practice of Lent?

Lent to a recovering Pharisee is a 40-day fast to a former anorexic..."

So what am I to do?

I'm unsure

I'm asking Jesus--

"What is the "more" of You that You want me to experience?"

"What is the "extravagance" of the cross You desire to reveal?"

He's a faithful God

I'll wait for Him to speak

 

Times of Refreshing

"Repent therefore,

and turn to God

so that your sins may be wiped away,

so that times of refreshing may come from the Lord."

--Acts 3:19

Repentance

has always seemed like such a dismal affair

It goes against the grain

for me to admit the sin within

Acknowledging those broken places in me

is discouraging

disappointing

embarassing

But these words from Acts

bring a fresh new light

to the dark places in my soul

Confession

A turning towards God

has a purpose

First,

my sins

are washed away

blotted out

my soul cleansed

That's a gift--

His free and lavish gift

in and of itself!!

But

my God takes this another step further--

"so that times of refreshing may come from the Lord."

It's now April 

Each day brings me closer

to the end of Lent

and the celebration of Easter

And

 "times of refreshing"

are becoming more and more

a part of my moments--

as I shed long held patterns

as chains are being loosed

as sin is being wiped away

The darkness of this Lenten journey

is giving way to 

His divine refreshment

Sigh

I want to drink this in

All is Grace

Something clicked yesterday...

An "aha" moment of grace

tailored for me

Sitting in comfort 

at the home of my Spiritual Director

but searching for answers

And slowly 

it all began to unravel

beautifully

This gift of grace

All I have...by His grace

All I lack...covered by grace

This hunger for Him...a gift of grace

The sin which so easily entangles...paid with grace

All is grace

"Grace Flows Down"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZdmGVGGH_w