A Place for Him

"Sometimes, O God,

my thirst for you is pushed aside,

ignored,

or simply quenched by something other--

something reasonable,

something more popular--

than you.

But you never go away,

never stop,

never leave the depths of me.

Like an underground spring,

you are fresh and free,

breaking through.

Help me prepare a place for you

in the caverns of my soul.

Amen."

--Pamela Hawkins

"The Awkward Season:  Prayers for Lent"

I do this far too often

push aside my thirst within

Even now

I sense the pull 

to try to escape the emptiness

close out the questions

ignore the confusion I feel

I love that He never leaves me

never

leaves

me

This place within

that I long to fill

with something

to relieve 

the emptiness--

this cavern--

It's open for His touch

His words

His

quiet whisper

A place for Him

Tearing up the List

A part of me wonders if I was not born

in the wrong era

I would have fared so much better

if I had been at the bottom of the mountain

when Moses returned with the Law.

Because I'm a seemingly incurable list person

Some of my lists are beneficial...

my grocery list for example.

Other lists

like my "to do" list for the week

enables me to prioritize and work away at

accomplishing tasks

But my list keeping

in relation to my spiritual life

is 

in a word...

damaging

Whether it be consciously or unconsciously

I am constantly checking off

or not

whether I am measuring up to 

God

And of course because I never have a completely checked off list

I fail to ever sufficiently measure up

to Him

It's a relentless game I play

with myself

God doesn't play the game

There is no game for Him

Hebrews 9 and 10

remind me of this

over and over and over again

This verse sounds like me--

"...under the old system, 

gifts and sacrifices were offered,

but these failed to cleanse the hearts of the people who brought them...

the old system dealt only with certain rituals--

what foods to eat and drink,

rules for washing themselves,

and rules about this and that..." (9,10)

Christ came so that I could

tear up my list!

"the blood of Christ will transform our lives and hearts.

His sacrifice frees us from the worry of having to obey

the old rules,

and makes us want to serve the living God."  (vs.14) 

God's heart for me is about

forgiveness

and freedom

and 

rest

"Christ gave himself to God for our sins

as one sacrifice for all time...

by that one offering he made forever perfect

in the sight of God

all those whom he is making holy." (vs. 12,14)

I could continue

quoting the pages of Hebrews

written to free me of my list...

the question is--

Will I believe these words

and tear up my list?

I want to

oh how I want to 

discard the paper

and live in His freedom

This morning I did

and my soul let out a sigh

But I know this deep seated way of mine--

to keep constructing a new list

I hate it

I also know that I've given my life to a faithful God

and His new mercies every morning

mean

that I can start over again

every morning

so life-giving..

My spiritual director reminds me that

"Lent is about turning

and about freedom..."

I'm grateful for this space

wherein God persistently shows up

longing to bring me

another taste of freedom

Today is another step

Extravagance

It happened in a moment

a simple choice

to placate my own desire

My spirit willing

but my flesh weak

And I remembered the lonely question

to His best friends--

"Could you not keep watch for just one hour?"

I am just as fleshly

Filled with shame, remorse, sadness,

I wallow

Until I recall another moment

when Jesus too wanted--

NO!

was desperate

to yield to flesh

but chose instead

His Father's will

For the likes of me

This solitary moment 

changed history forever

His "yes"

covers all of my

"no's

His sacrifice--

Extreme

Perfect

Extravagant

For love of 

you

and

I

Asking God to Stay

"If we picture all the obstructions between us and God

as a wilderness,

Lent presents us with time to clear and cultivate

a part of that wilderness,

to create an open space in it.

In this newly opened space,

we may live more freely and 

commune more closely

with the divine.

We can transform this wilderness

and make it our home,

our garden,

a place that invites God in 

and asks God to stay."

--Sarah Parsons

"A Clearing Season:  Reflections for Lent"

Looking in the rear view mirror

I see them

the obstructions

which squelched my freedom

and separated parts of me

from God

And I'm surprised

Surprised because I recall some of this unveiling during Lent last year

and yet somehow

I became entangled 

again

Paul says we are to, 

"lay aside...the sin which so easily entangles us..."

Hebrews 12:1

He's right on the mark!

Sin does so easily entangle me

How cleansing then is this Lenten season!

This stretch of weeks in which

I invite Jesus to clear away sin's obstruction

This wilderness is being transformed

slowly

but purposefully

The garden that is developing

is calming for my soul

I invite Him to continue 

clearing

and cultivating

and growing

me

I invite Him

to stay

How Less Becomes More

I'm not sure that I can adequately put thoughts and words on a page

to explain how

less

becomes

more--

But it does.

Such a gracious invitation from my Father

this Lenten season

to live

less

At first it was hard

a warring, struggling hard

A sobering, shame-filled hard

But that has changed

as less

becomes

more

Less trips to the grocery store to buy ingredients

for a new recipe

Less food on my plate

so that my stomach is comfortable

not stuffed

Less errands for 

more clutter that I don't need

Less indulging my physical appetite

when it's my spiritual appetite

that needs to be 

insatiable

And because there's been less

there's been more--

More freedom within

More emptying of self

More opening of my spirit

More unclenching of my hands

More "travel time" with Jesus

More

Quite simply

less

is

more

I Think Everything is About Surrender :)

It doesn't seem to matter whether

I'm preparing my heart for Christmas

or Easter

or just walking through the mundane of life...

the act of surrender

is begging for my deep places.

And I suppose this makes sense

because my tendency to

fit my life into a neat and tidy box

is always on my agenda

which means I'm continually caught between

what I want

and what Jesus wants.

Henri J. M. Nouwen in his book

"The Road to Daybreak:  A Spiritual Journey"

echoes my thoughts exactly--

"This morning during my hour of prayer,

I tried to come to some level of abandonment

to my heavenly Father.

It was a hard struggle

since so much in me wants to do my will,

realize my plans,

organize my future,

and make my decisions.

Still,

I know that true joy comes

from letting God love me the way God wants...

it is hard for me to say,

'I shall gratefully accept everything, Lord,

that pleases You.

Let Your will be done.'

But I know that when I truly believe my Father is pure love,

it will become increasingly possible

to say these words from the heart."

That's me!!!

And I just love when someone I consider to 

have been an intimate companion of God,

is so raw

and honest

and compelling.

My yesterday just happened to be a day which called for

a greater level of surrender than usual.

And it's the same today

and will be again tomorrow.

That's because I'm waiting for answers to a medical unknown

in the life of one I desperately love. 

I can't control the outcome

I can't provide the answers

I can't dish out peace and rest for her

or for myself

I can only fret and run wild with my thoughts 

OR

I can surrender all

to "my Father's pure love"

I chose surrender yesterday

I'm choosing it today

I pray for grace to choose it tomorrow.

And I Find Myself Wanting...

"Lent is a time of returning to God.

It is a time to confess how we keep looking for

joy, peace, and satisfacation

in many people and things surrounding us,

without really finding what we desire.

Only God can give us what we want...

Lent is a time of refocusing,

of reentering the place of truth,

of reclaiming our true identity."

--Henri J.M. Nouwen

"Sabbatical Journey:  The Diary of His Final Year"

This has been such a warring beginning of Lent for me.

I was not expecting to feel the pull so intensely

 towards pleasure.

A quiet, but persistent

"I want"

murmurs within.

"I want...

another helping of dinner."

"I want...

that delectable taste of chocolate"

"I want...

that aromatic candle...

or spring napkins...

or new magazine."

Sitting quiet with Jesus and these thoughts

has not relived them.

I am not craving evil pleasures

My pleasures, if I succumbed to them,

would not break the bank

But they are breaking a part of my heart.

The part that thought I was "above"

incessant wanting.

The part that thought I could just give up some pleasures

without struggle

and simply settle into 

the pleasure of God

But it hasn't been this way

And so I keep waiting

and asking...

"Why is all "this" binding me so?

Eventually I will hear the gentleness of His voice

and understand a deeper need in my soul

For now I let the dissonance just be

Words--A Guide For My Lenten Journey

"We Walk into this into this Lenten journey

with both timidity and courage as our guides...

committing to pray all the prayers we need to pray,

all the prayers we want to pray,

all the prayers we do not yet know

need to be prayed.

We walk into this Lenten journey

because we want to follow You.

so,

breathing in this silence,

trusting in Your way,

lead us,

O Holy One,

toward the import of Your love.

Amen."

--Claire McKeever-Burgett

"Alive Now"

It has begun

this journey of Lent

Words have been given me by God

these past few days

Words to guide me on this Lenten journey

Less and More

Simple and Extravagant

Examen and Freedom

Invitation

Less of what I want

and 

More time spent learning what 

He wants

Simple in how I'm living

yet

reflections on the extravagance of Jesus' sacrifice

A daily Examen Exercise

but the glorious reality of

the freedom Christ bought for me

And all of this

under the umbrella of

His invitation

Oh how attentive I want to be

that I may hear Him

invite me to the paths which will lead me to

a closer walk with Him.

It's what Lent all is about... really

clearing more space

for Jesus

And it's what I'm purposing for these coming days

More

and 

more 

space

for

Him.

Kyrie, Kyrie, Eleison

"Kyrie, Kyrie, eleison...

Christe, Christe, eleison...

Lord, Lord have mercy...

Christ, Christ have mercy."

This is my prayer of 

petition

and homage

and gratitude

How aware I have become of my sin.

How I desire to pay homage to

my merciful Lord and Jesus Christ.

How deeply grateful I am for His new mercies each morning...

this morning

The reflective season of Lent is on the horizon

A season which grows in me year after year

Fresh understanding...

new insights into this contemplative

40 day period

are stirring creativity within

The Spirit's whisper--

His opening of the curtain of my soul

has revealed the entanglement to the world

in me

1 John 2:15-16

holds nothing back in it's challenge--

"Do not love the world,

nor the things in the world.

If anyone loves the world,

the love of the Father is not in him.

for all that is in the world,

the lust of the flesh

and

the lust of the eyes

and

the boastful pride of life,

is not from the Father,

but is from the world."

Such harsh words--

such shame that I must apply them to my own life

The subtle allure of the world

has gained a foothold

"I want"

becomes

"Because I can"

becomes

"I deserve"

And quickly,

that which is not evil in and of itself,

becomes a god I begin to pay my allegiance to.

I have become 

indulgent

prideful

intoxicated,

by the things of the world

How timely it is then, that Lent is so near!

For what better time to shed this growing cloak of sin!!

What better Person to cleanse me of my mislaid passions

than the Passionate Christ!

What better time to have Him dismantle another stone 

from 

"my kingdom home"!

What better time to forsake what I've been building

and return to joining Him

in what He is building--

His kingdom!

I begin this season,

even today

in the joyous freedom of

repentance

release

and

surrender

"Renew me, O God,

by your far-reaching grace.

Restore me, O God,

to your life-giving truth

that the kingdom, power and glory

are yours at this moment,

on this day,

for all time.

Amen."

--Pamela Hawkins

"The Awkward Season:  Prayers for Lent"

Putting Together the Pieces

For some, when I mention

"The Imperials",

a trip down memory lane immediately takes place.

This contemporary Christian music band

was popular in my younger days

but one of their songs resurfaced in my mind recently

"Pieces"

The lyrics continue to play through my mind--

"Pieces, pieces

so many pieces to my life

Scattered all around

And some of them are gone

And I know that I can't ever

Put them back together again

In a vision, like a daydream

That filters through my mind

I saw Jesus coming closer

Holding all my hopes combined

He spoke with great compassion

As He put one hand on me

And in His other hand He held

What I could never see

He said, 'Pieces, Pieces

I've got all the pieces to your life

A thousand tiny fragments

of every single day

I can put them all together

And there'll never be another one who can'"

Over the past weeks 

there has continued to be this 

beautiful awareness of

the sovereignty of God
 in my life

What has always felt like

"so many pieces to my life

scattered all around"--

is now emerging as purposeful 

in the Hands of the One

Who is putting them all together

Yes
The puzzle remains unfinished

Yes
There is still mystery

But it all seems so much more ordered
as I have turned my focus
from the pieces
to Him

 I carry a growing sense
that this puzzle
that is my life
is in good and wise and strong Hands

There's an increasing safety and comfort and contentment
in releasing the mystery
to Him

Such a freeing
calming
journey
to be on

Gift

Winter's Abundance