And I Find Myself Wanting...

"Lent is a time of returning to God.

It is a time to confess how we keep looking for

joy, peace, and satisfacation

in many people and things surrounding us,

without really finding what we desire.

Only God can give us what we want...

Lent is a time of refocusing,

of reentering the place of truth,

of reclaiming our true identity."

--Henri J.M. Nouwen

"Sabbatical Journey:  The Diary of His Final Year"

This has been such a warring beginning of Lent for me.

I was not expecting to feel the pull so intensely

 towards pleasure.

A quiet, but persistent

"I want"

murmurs within.

"I want...

another helping of dinner."

"I want...

that delectable taste of chocolate"

"I want...

that aromatic candle...

or spring napkins...

or new magazine."

Sitting quiet with Jesus and these thoughts

has not relived them.

I am not craving evil pleasures

My pleasures, if I succumbed to them,

would not break the bank

But they are breaking a part of my heart.

The part that thought I was "above"

incessant wanting.

The part that thought I could just give up some pleasures

without struggle

and simply settle into 

the pleasure of God

But it hasn't been this way

And so I keep waiting

and asking...

"Why is all "this" binding me so?

Eventually I will hear the gentleness of His voice

and understand a deeper need in my soul

For now I let the dissonance just be