Tearing up the List

A part of me wonders if I was not born

in the wrong era

I would have fared so much better

if I had been at the bottom of the mountain

when Moses returned with the Law.

Because I'm a seemingly incurable list person

Some of my lists are beneficial...

my grocery list for example.

Other lists

like my "to do" list for the week

enables me to prioritize and work away at

accomplishing tasks

But my list keeping

in relation to my spiritual life

is 

in a word...

damaging

Whether it be consciously or unconsciously

I am constantly checking off

or not

whether I am measuring up to 

God

And of course because I never have a completely checked off list

I fail to ever sufficiently measure up

to Him

It's a relentless game I play

with myself

God doesn't play the game

There is no game for Him

Hebrews 9 and 10

remind me of this

over and over and over again

This verse sounds like me--

"...under the old system, 

gifts and sacrifices were offered,

but these failed to cleanse the hearts of the people who brought them...

the old system dealt only with certain rituals--

what foods to eat and drink,

rules for washing themselves,

and rules about this and that..." (9,10)

Christ came so that I could

tear up my list!

"the blood of Christ will transform our lives and hearts.

His sacrifice frees us from the worry of having to obey

the old rules,

and makes us want to serve the living God."  (vs.14) 

God's heart for me is about

forgiveness

and freedom

and 

rest

"Christ gave himself to God for our sins

as one sacrifice for all time...

by that one offering he made forever perfect

in the sight of God

all those whom he is making holy." (vs. 12,14)

I could continue

quoting the pages of Hebrews

written to free me of my list...

the question is--

Will I believe these words

and tear up my list?

I want to

oh how I want to 

discard the paper

and live in His freedom

This morning I did

and my soul let out a sigh

But I know this deep seated way of mine--

to keep constructing a new list

I hate it

I also know that I've given my life to a faithful God

and His new mercies every morning

mean

that I can start over again

every morning

so life-giving..

My spiritual director reminds me that

"Lent is about turning

and about freedom..."

I'm grateful for this space

wherein God persistently shows up

longing to bring me

another taste of freedom

Today is another step