Winter's Abundance

Reign in Me

He's just so far beyond my 

comprehension!

The distance between us,

though intimate

in relationship,

is immeasurably  vast

I suppose that it has been my 

finite

human ways

which have sought to trap

God in a box

This innate

"need"

to understand Him,

to be able to explain His actions

to crave a place of comfort

in the face of

His judgements 

All of this

has prevented me from seeing

all of Him

But that's changing!

As I delve into His character

I see a God

who is

incomparable

invisible

inscrutable

unchangeable

unequaled

unsearchable

infinite

That's where I ended today...

infinite

Solomon, in 1 Kings 8:27 reminds me of this--

"But will God indeed dwell on the earth?

Behold, heaven

and the highest heaven cannot contain Thee,

how much less this house which I have build!"

Baker's Commentary points me to this beautiful reality--

"Solomon has built the temple,

it remains for the infinite Lord,

whose existence is beyond comprehension, 

to choose to dwell in it

among a finite needy people."

This God

of mind blowing character

chooses,

not just to live among us,

but to live

within

us.

He lives

within 

finite,

needy

me.

I'm beyond grateful

that He lives

in me

But I desire more...

I want Him to

reign

in

me

Oh to rid my life

of this box I've had God in

and allow Him

free reign

in my life!

The corners have split open

the sides have been pulled apart

and I am beholding

Him!

Humbled.

It's Growing

A new level of peace

a deeper confidence

a stronger trust

They're all growing within me

It's as though God and I are on the same page right now

I'm so determined to do what I can

to foster a fuller awareness 

and faith

in His sovereignty

and

He is eager to drench me with His truth

and unite my heart 

with His

Isaiah 30:18,19 reads--

"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,

and therefore He waits on high to have

compassion on you...

How blessed are all those who long for Him."

I love this intimate partnership

with God

Ann Voskamp

in her book

"The Greatest Gift"

makes this challenging statement--

"When the King rules your world,

you cease to rule

or worry.

All worry dethrones God.

All worrying makes you King

and God incompetent.

There is a King...

on the throne.

You can breathe."

I'm struck by her rebuke--

"All worry dethrones God.

All worrying makes you King

and God incompetent"

Ouch.

That's so not how I want to live my life...

but far too often

I do

And whether the Spirit is granting me 

moments of clarity,

or my heart is just well past tired

of living with fear,

or it's a combination,

I don't know

What I do know 

is that I'm breathing calmer these days

I'm resting in the King

who rules my world

I want to stay

 

Always Discovering

At times

I lament my slow learning curve

And yet,

the opposite is to refuse grow at all

or to be so arrogant as to think 

there's no more room for growing.

So I will welcome the learning and discovering

as slow paced as it may be

and I will rejoice in a God

who so patiently

and intimately

unveils Himself

to me.

My time with my Spiritual Director yesterday

was heavy.

Good, necessary, and the place I needed to go

but somewhat overwhelming all the same.

Fear

or more aptly

my fear--

My fears of future "what if's",

of loss and illness

No one who knows me well would be

surprised that I struggle with fear

And truly

I would love to be free of it!

But how?

When?

God knows I've tried!!!

I listened quietly 

as my Spiritual Director

talked of God and His sovereignty,

and all that this encompasses,
and then how we
in our brokenness
often create our own theology of God.

 I wrote down the pathways she suggested

I take 

in order to move towards healing and freedom

and away from the grip of fear.

This morning I started reading one of the scripture passages

she gave me

and the discovering began.

What follows is the unfolding of my time with 

God and His Word.

(Incidentally, the best way for me to read and take in scripture

is to follow a pattern which Ruth Haley Barton lays out--

Read, Reflect, Respond, Rest, Resolve.

As I'm reading a portion of scripture I "listen" to 

what grabs my attention

and then focus on those words)

Read:  

1 Samuel 2:1-11

"The Lord kills,

The Lord gives life.

Some He cause to be poor

And others to be rich.

He cuts one down

and lifts another up...

For all the earth is the Lord's

And He has set the world in order." (vs. 6,7,8b LB)

Reflect:  

"This is indeed a difficult passage.

'The Lord kills.'

Wow!

He causes some to be poor and others rich.

It doesn't sound loving or kind.

Yet....

that presupposes that I am the one

who knows what is loving and kind...

that I am the one who is

all wise,

all knowing....

Hannah understood God in a far reaching way.

I am becoming more aware of how I limit God,

how I try to keep Him in a box of my own making.

That way I can feel "safe".

Otherwise God becomes too big to control...

out of control...

unsafe.

'For all the earth is the Lord's

and He has set the world in order.'

Yet there is something strangely freeing

about allowing God to be God. 

Less energy and work on my part

trying to explain Him,

control Him,

"anticipate" His actions,

understand His actions.

I can let God "be".

Take my hands off.

Rest in my "being" as a finite human

and rest in Him as infinite."

Respond:

"God,

thankyou for this glimpse of freedom;

this unveiling of my face to see Yours more clearly.

'...whenever a man turns to the Lord,

the veil is taken away.

Now the Lord is the Spirit;

and where the Spirit of the Lord is,

there is liberty(freedom)'

2 Corinthians 3:116,17

"God, You are transforming me

into the same image(Your image)" vs. 18

which sounds so incredibly radical....

 that I could actually be

becoming more like You!!!!

I am grateful for Your unveiling

of my heart today."

Rest:

In the vastness...

the "bigness" 

of God

Resolve:

To keep my heart turned to the Lord

so that He might remove more of the veil.

  Yesterday

as I turned on to my street

following my time with

Ingrid

I heard the song

"Make Me"

by Sidewalk Prophets

Some of it was exactly what Ingrid and I

had talked about together

And while I can't say that I am able to sing the words with gusto

I am at least humming along.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqap3BvxJAw

A New Year--Reframing Life

"The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime

and His song will be with me in the night.

A prayer to the God of my life."

--Psalm 42:8

 

This beloved verse of mine

now reads as

my verse for the coming year.

Really I came across several to choose from

to encompass what I believe God is calling me to

in 2014--

that's the beauty of God's Word--

it's wealth of life-giving truths!

Still I've always found this verse to cover all of life...

each 24 hour day is

overwhelmed with God's lovingkindness--

He commands it!!!

And my slumber is filled with His lullabies.

He IS 

the God of my life.

Yet the truth is...

I often lose sight of Him

as the dailyness of life unfolds.

And neither God 

nor I

are content with this.

Not that God is hounding me

but rather

continuously drawing me back from the "cares" of life

 to  refocus on Him

How I long for this too--

a steady gaze into my Father's face.

Sigh.

How differently I would walk through the

upheaval,

stresses,

untimely news,

conflict,

disappointment,

struggles,

if I had my soul turned to Him

always.

Which is why I hear Him inviting me to

reframe life

Reframe it in the way He had begun teaching me

prior to Christmas

Reframing it by living TRUE

 to this statement --

"Life will be good 

as long as I have my Jesus"

Over and over again I see my dependence

on life's circumstances

to make life good

And just as often

 I am left

reeling from whatever it was

that threw me off balance

All because my focus was askew

So I suppose in some ways

there is a simplicity to His invitation--

Look to ME child

And that I find beautiful and freeing and rich

The hard part is knowing

my broken way of living

and how easily the eyes of my soul

fall away

But I keep hearing His life-giving invitation

and it's just so welcoming...

I can't ignore it...

I gratefully accept

Waiting

"OUR HEARTS--

our spirits--

wait for the coming of the Christ child.

We have worked hard during this Advent season

to listen to God's voice,

to turn over our fears and worries,

to make a place in all the chaos 

to be able to welcome God into our lives and hearts.

During these last days of Advent,

we continue to wait.

May these final days

include times of quiet.

Open wide the door to our hearts.

Let there be spaces,

silences,

and open places.

Let us give ourselves

the gift of time."

--Beth A. Richardson

"Child of Light"

"Christmas will be good as long as...."

"Ultimately

life is good

as long as...."

How would you fill in the blank?

As long as...

my health is good

As long as...

I have a satisfying career

As long as...

I have deep friendships

It's a question my Spiritual Director

has invited me to sift through,

with two types of relationships in mind--

Horizontal relationships...

meaning the people in my life and 

corresponding life's circumstances

And my Vertical relationship...

that which I share with God 

When I'm dependent on people around me 

for the goodness of my life

I immediately run into problems

Because people let me down

and 

life falls apart

and 

my goals are blocked

and 

sometimes my family

doesn't like my dinner

But if 

"ultimately life is good as long as...

I have God,"

the picture looks so different.

Because God

is always present

and God

brings good out of life's pain

and God

never tires of listening to my heart's cry

and God

is my constant

Refuge,

Strength,

Guide,

Hope,

Comfort,

and Lover.

 As I have been turning these myriad of thoughts 

over in my mind,

I hear Him inviting me to respond to 

another question--

"Christmas will be good as long as...." 

As long as what?

Am I going to focus on people and events

for Christmas to hold goodness?

Am I expecting

a Hallmark Christmas card

with a white Christmas

and 

relational bliss,

perfect meals,

quiet evenings

and 

no disappointments??

If so,

I will surely have my spirits dashed 

and deem the goodness of Christmas accordingly.

But if Christmas is solely dependent on my Jesus

it will ultimately be good,

regardless of how life unfolds.

And it's wise for me to look at my heart

in this regard

because 

despite all of the planned celebrations of this season

this is a pretty broken world

and I too

am broken

I

yearn for peace beyond my understanding

and hope in the midst of pain

and guidance in the face of uncertainty

and comfort to cover the edges of disappointment

and rest within the realms of busyness

and love when I'm let down

and I will ONLY

find this in my Jesus!!!

No one and nowhere else

can I turn to

to provide me with a good Christmas.

Christmas will be good as long as I have my Jesus.

 

 

Going Deeper in Advent

"Each day of this Advemt.

we enter deeper into the story of Christ...

and enter deeper into Him.

And it's Him who gives us eyes

to really see."

--Ann Voskamp

"The Greatest Gift"

It's what I have desired for weeks now

back in the beginning days of November

when I was already preparing

for this season of Advent.

To "enter deeper into Him"

It's not a move that just happens

It requires intentionality

a keeping space

for this One who so willingly

holds me in the depths of His being

It's not just a yearning of my soul

It's a need

I need to "enter deeper into Him"

The churning of life around me 

means one of two things--

either I succumb to it's ways

or 

plunge into

His ways

Psalm 139:23,24

is my Advent prayer for the rest of the season--

"Search me, O God,

and know my heart;

Try me

and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any way of pain in me,

And lead me in the everlasting way."

There is something so incredibly beautiful and welcoming,

so rich in security

to have God "know my heart"

Isn't this the treasure of Advent?

His coming for us....

for me...

that I might know His heart for me

and give my heart to Him

for the knowing.

A beautiful exchange.

 

Home for the Holidays

 "Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays,

For no matter how far away you roam--

When you long for the sunshine of a friendly gaze,

For the holidays--you can't beat home, sweet home!"

She's home!!!!

My girl is home for the holidays:)

I picked her up from university yesterday

Brought her home to her room all decorated for Christmas

She hasn't slept in her bed since September.

Today we went Christmas shopping together

cuz she wanted her "Mama to come along".

Tonight she's making very unhealthy treats for Christmas

Tomorrow I will tackle the mound of laundry

she's been saving just for me!!

And woven throughout is lots of listening and laughing and loving

with some threads of stress and tears crisscrossing 

the pattern

Because we're girls

and that's what life as girls is like.

It's good to have her home...really good.

"...if you want to be happy in a million ways,

For the holidays--you can't beat home sweet home."

--The Carpenters

 

When Gratitude is Too Small A Word

Maybe it's my mood today.

Perhaps it's that it's been 5 years
Or the reality that so many I hold dear are facing a Christmas
marked by the loss of someone they love.
Regardless of the reason,
I am keenly aware that it could have been me
alone
this Christmas again

Five years ago today
my husband suffered a heart attack
followed by open heart surgery 8 days later.

But he's not medically supposed to be here today.
The blood clot "should" have taken his last breath away
Many others never have the sudden pain in their chest disappear
For countless individuals the blood clot doesn't dissipate.
It blocks the flow of life-giving blood
and quickly takes one's life
and changes forever
the lives of everyone else.

And I will never know why
God wrapped me in mercy
Why my children are still enjoying the gift of a father
Why I am still living life
with the man I love

I will never know the why's
but I will forever be filled with deepest gratitude
And both of us
will continue to breathe the air we're given
as individuals
and as a couple
to love and  bless others.

"Another Year Has Gone By"

"So many 25th's of December

Just as many 4th of July's

And we're still building it together

It only comes down to you and I

I know you can still remember

Things we said right from the start

When we said that this could be special

I'm keeping those words deep down in my heart

Another year has gone by

And I'm still the one by your side

After everything that's gone by

There's still no one saying goodbye

Though another year has gone by

And we're still holding hands when we're walking

Acting like we've only just met

But how could that be--when there's so much history

Guess that's how true lovers can get

Another year has gone by."

Bryan Adams 

So Much...Oh so Much!

So much for my soul this Advent season...

The waiting,

the anticipation,

the longing

for what God has for me

is finally here.

The desire to sit at His feet

came early

too early if you noticed.

 I pushed into Advent

seven days early,

as shared in my recent post

"Advent's Awakening".

Without lifting the calender page

I expected only 3 Sunday's before Christmas

in December,

but no,

there are 4.

And so I began reading "old" Advent devotionals

over a week ago!!

Eager,  yes:)

But yesterday

 I opened my new book for the season

on schedule...

Ann Voskamp's

"The Greatest Gift"

Oh so rich and full

"...the heart that makes time and space for Him to come

will be a glorious place."

"Advent, it is made of moments.

This slow unfurling of grace."

Ann Voskamp

It was a couple of months ago that my Spiritual Director

made this statement--

"Maybe you will decide not to help anyone during Advent Season

and just focus on God."

In the moment

and even still

that sounded so selfish

and so impossibly possible!!!!

To "just" sit with God

in December

and shut out this

torn,

broken,

pain-ridden

world????!!!!!!!

I have prayed and listened for God's invitation

to 

whatever He was calling me to.

And though He hasn't invited me to

a place at His feet 

for the entire month,

He most assuredly

has invited me to long and leisurely

times in His Presence

And there is so much...

oh so much!!!