Friday, December 2, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
While We Wait
She began today with hope. And though she had me winding through a maze of biblical stories so "un-advent-like" I felt,...I pushed through with desire. And hope began to shine through...fresh...wild...God-like. His redemptive weaving throughout history that can only be spiritually discerned, filled page after page.
"We often use the word hope as if hope were a fragile thing. We say, 'I hope you can come with us.' And someone answers, 'I hope so too, but it doesn't look promising.'" She got me here. This is so often how I use the word hope.
"The hope we read about in the Bible is much more robust....biblical hope is a powerful force for change." Do I ever hope like this? When waiting on God, pleading with God, listening for God...can I say that my hope is robust?
"We do not have to understand the whole of what God is doing in order to be part of it." Mmmm...such powerful, necessary words. How frequently I "demand" to know the "whole of God" before I step out.
"Oh Jesus...increase the expectancy in my soul!!!"
"In this season of hope, we are invited to look for the wonders that show us God is still at work in our world and in us.
'What will you give me?' we ask.
Hope holds with it the promise that God always answers our question by showing up, not necessarily with what we ask for but with remarkable gifts that change our lives and the world."
There is an abundance of ways for my soul to interact with the above words and more. Throughout the coming week, the author's reflective thoughts and questions will provide me with a rich space to do just.
I leap into hope.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Happy Anniversary to ME!!
It was one week ago today that I started on the Insulin Pump.
I LOVE IT!!!
Seriously, I had no idea I would love it this quickly. Even on the second day I was thinking..."This is awesome!" I'm already having times where I forget that I'm even wearing it! For sure, reading the user manual and practicing has made the difference.
The diabetes educator has started me on just the basics, but still, I actually understand this. Who knew??!!! The way in which the pump works makes sense to me. For a time there, I was wondering if I would ever "get it". Yes, my user manual is always at the ready, which has been so very helpful... especially when I need to fill a new reservoir and change the site of infusion, etc. This is required every 3 days. I gather all my supplies and sit down at a table with my manual and work through it step by step. I've had some tense moments, but in the end, everything works like a charm.
I suppose it stands to reason that the cannula, which is what is actually inserted under my skin, would not cause any discomfort, otherwise who would stick(no pun intended) with this type of treatment. But it still is surprising to me that I don't feel it at all. (Okay, so maybe once and awhile I feel a pinch, but rarely)
The next step, after talking to the educator today, is to bring tighter control to my blood sugars. She was letting them run a little high as we were trying to discern my insulin requirements. They are typically 25% less when using the pump than on the insulin pen or syringe. So...now we are aiming for sugars between 5-7. My pump is programmed with these numbers, which means that at the set times I have for checking blood sugars, the pump will beep and tell me if they are out of the target range. I'm expecting to hear a lot of beeps over the next while as we begin this stage of fine tuning.
This was probably "too much information", but it is my new life and at the present, a very big part of it.
All in all, this is a wonderful early Christmas gift. Oh!!! My pump just beeped...time to check my 2-hours-after-a-meal-blood sugar.
I LOVE IT!!!
Seriously, I had no idea I would love it this quickly. Even on the second day I was thinking..."This is awesome!" I'm already having times where I forget that I'm even wearing it! For sure, reading the user manual and practicing has made the difference.
The diabetes educator has started me on just the basics, but still, I actually understand this. Who knew??!!! The way in which the pump works makes sense to me. For a time there, I was wondering if I would ever "get it". Yes, my user manual is always at the ready, which has been so very helpful... especially when I need to fill a new reservoir and change the site of infusion, etc. This is required every 3 days. I gather all my supplies and sit down at a table with my manual and work through it step by step. I've had some tense moments, but in the end, everything works like a charm.
I suppose it stands to reason that the cannula, which is what is actually inserted under my skin, would not cause any discomfort, otherwise who would stick(no pun intended) with this type of treatment. But it still is surprising to me that I don't feel it at all. (Okay, so maybe once and awhile I feel a pinch, but rarely)
The next step, after talking to the educator today, is to bring tighter control to my blood sugars. She was letting them run a little high as we were trying to discern my insulin requirements. They are typically 25% less when using the pump than on the insulin pen or syringe. So...now we are aiming for sugars between 5-7. My pump is programmed with these numbers, which means that at the set times I have for checking blood sugars, the pump will beep and tell me if they are out of the target range. I'm expecting to hear a lot of beeps over the next while as we begin this stage of fine tuning.
This was probably "too much information", but it is my new life and at the present, a very big part of it.
All in all, this is a wonderful early Christmas gift. Oh!!! My pump just beeped...time to check my 2-hours-after-a-meal-blood sugar.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Fills my Soul
He is quite proud of his new jacket. He's one of the "Aggies" :) Sporting his attire, he took us on a walking tour of the part of the campus where he spends most of his time. I find it so helpful to now have a picture in my mind of where he is at times throughout the day.
What followed was every mother's dream...when her boy makes supper for HER!!! It was a fun reversal of roles to watch him preparing vegetables to saute, and then turn to me to ask if I would dice up tomatoes. We enjoyed delicious fajitas with a spicy Korean pork. The veggies were fresh from the market that morning :)
There is something so very meaningful about sitting around the table talking and sharing deeply spiritual experiences as adults. God has such a hold on Cam's life and is moving in him in some very powerful ways.
The way his heart is so bravely open to a life of ministry way beyond comfort zones.
The way he so willingly and flexibly lives on a daily basis.
The way in which he seeks to know God and His truth.
The way he is moving into a deeper life of prayer.
It is humbling to sit back as a parent KNOWING that only God could accomplish all that you are witnessing.
For a short time we retired to the living room while Cam played keyboard and sang. Sigh. Oh how it fills my soul to have moments of worship because of the abundance of Christ's life within him.
So very grateful for our time together.
Blessings on your life my boy.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The Countdown is On
While some of you are probably thinking that I am already counting the days until Christmas, the truth is that in many ways, the upcoming season is on the back burner of my mind.
At the forefront is this magical device known as the insulin pump which arrived in my home 3 weeks ago. I have been "playing" with it, as they say, trying to familiarize myself with this computer-like device that is about to transform my life.
Initially, it was completely overwhelming, and yes, a meltdown did occur that first day, as I inserted the battery and tried relentlessly to set the time. I did not get off to a very good start, shall we say. However, a day later, and another pair of eyes to assist me, and the learning began. The user manual is over 200 pages long. I am nearing the end. Whew!
Being technologically inclined is not one of my strong suits, which I know has added to the intensity of this little piece of wonder. But there is also the reality that this pump is going to be my "life line" and knowing its functions inside and out is paramount. So yes, that adds some pressure to this learning curve.
I just came from a training session at the Diabetes Education Center at one of our hospitals, and although I am tired and my brain is a little fried, I was encouraged by how much I knew. The dietitian who was training me said that some individuals hardly do more than install the battery before they come for training. Thankfully, I understood all that she was explaining to me, which not only puts my mind at ease here and now, but will allow me to go into my next training with at least some level of confidence.
And so this is it!!
This is what I have been pursuing since the spring.
The countdown is on!!!
A week from today, I will be trained on how to put insulin into the reservoir, program necessary numbers, and practice insertion, etc. At approximately 11:00am Tuesday November 15 I will walk out of the clinic wearing my insulin pump. Wow!!! That even sounds surreal to me. And yes, a little nerve racking . But, I will have daily support from the clinic for the first few weeks, which is a great comfort. As time goes on, I will learn more of how to utilize the pump to its full potential, but I will start with just the basics.
I'm not really sure how Christmas is going to unfold in this home. Oh, Christmas will still come! It is not dependent on me...thankfully. But, there's no doubt that the continued learning, fine-tuning and adjustment that is required, is going to be time and energy consuming, And that is just a reality. Because of who I am, my energy resources are often limited anyway. As a result, I have already planned some simpler gift-giving ideas, and have already given myself "permission" to opt out of Christmas cards if necessary(did I just say that????!!!!) and simplify decorating. And if you know me, then you know that these "trimmings" of Christmas are filled with a deep, personal part of myself that is in every way, an act of ministry. Letting go will be a sacrifice....
But God knows. And over the coming days and weeks, I will seek to rest in His sufficiency for each day, His guidance in the insignificant and significant details of life, and His wisdom to be discerning amidst it all
In the meantime, I'm in countdown mode :)
At the forefront is this magical device known as the insulin pump which arrived in my home 3 weeks ago. I have been "playing" with it, as they say, trying to familiarize myself with this computer-like device that is about to transform my life.
Initially, it was completely overwhelming, and yes, a meltdown did occur that first day, as I inserted the battery and tried relentlessly to set the time. I did not get off to a very good start, shall we say. However, a day later, and another pair of eyes to assist me, and the learning began. The user manual is over 200 pages long. I am nearing the end. Whew!
Being technologically inclined is not one of my strong suits, which I know has added to the intensity of this little piece of wonder. But there is also the reality that this pump is going to be my "life line" and knowing its functions inside and out is paramount. So yes, that adds some pressure to this learning curve.
I just came from a training session at the Diabetes Education Center at one of our hospitals, and although I am tired and my brain is a little fried, I was encouraged by how much I knew. The dietitian who was training me said that some individuals hardly do more than install the battery before they come for training. Thankfully, I understood all that she was explaining to me, which not only puts my mind at ease here and now, but will allow me to go into my next training with at least some level of confidence.
And so this is it!!
This is what I have been pursuing since the spring.
The countdown is on!!!
A week from today, I will be trained on how to put insulin into the reservoir, program necessary numbers, and practice insertion, etc. At approximately 11:00am Tuesday November 15 I will walk out of the clinic wearing my insulin pump. Wow!!! That even sounds surreal to me. And yes, a little nerve racking . But, I will have daily support from the clinic for the first few weeks, which is a great comfort. As time goes on, I will learn more of how to utilize the pump to its full potential, but I will start with just the basics.
I'm not really sure how Christmas is going to unfold in this home. Oh, Christmas will still come! It is not dependent on me...thankfully. But, there's no doubt that the continued learning, fine-tuning and adjustment that is required, is going to be time and energy consuming, And that is just a reality. Because of who I am, my energy resources are often limited anyway. As a result, I have already planned some simpler gift-giving ideas, and have already given myself "permission" to opt out of Christmas cards if necessary(did I just say that????!!!!) and simplify decorating. And if you know me, then you know that these "trimmings" of Christmas are filled with a deep, personal part of myself that is in every way, an act of ministry. Letting go will be a sacrifice....
But God knows. And over the coming days and weeks, I will seek to rest in His sufficiency for each day, His guidance in the insignificant and significant details of life, and His wisdom to be discerning amidst it all
In the meantime, I'm in countdown mode :)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Sunshine and Shadows
Trust me...this is worth celebrating and announcing, because there is a lengthy distance between living life in the shadows or living life in the sunshine. It changes everything. And I mean everything.
I know that shadows have their purpose, and they will return...that's just part of life...for all of us. But right now I will bask in the sunshine, give thanks, and enjoy.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Silence?
"I don't like the pain
But I do love Jesus
And he knows the pain.
So if pain brings me
Closer to Jesus
I will be silent
With an outstretched hand."
--Kathryn Rathert
I don't like the pain...the challenging days I am living through.
Oh, but I so love my Lord and there is a degree of comfort in knowing that He does know pain firsthand and in turn knows about mine.
As much as I would desire an end to this season I am in, I cannot deny that it intensifies my dependence on Him and causes me to pursue His higher ways.
In short, pain draws me closer to Jesus.
In many ways I can identify with the woman who thought, "If I just touch His garments, I shall get well." (Mark 5:28) My posture is such that I feel my heart and hands outstretched...and oh...if only I could just touch His garments.
I am everything the writer Kathryn expresses in her prose.
Except silent.
I am not silent.
At times I am David protesting, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest...I would lodge in the wilderness. I would hasten to my place of refuge From the stormy wind and tempest." Psalm 55:6-8
Sometimes I utter Jesus' own words, "Father, if You are willing remove this cup from Me------yet not My will but Yours be done." Luke 22:42
In other moments I am like the writer of Lamentations, one minute lamenting, "My soul has been rejected from peace; I have forgotten happiness. So I say, 'My strength has perished, And so has my hope from the Lord." Lamentations 3:17, 18 Hours later I have returned from the pit and able to say, "This I recall to mind, Therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail..." vs. 21,22
It is rare, but there have been spaces of time where I truly believe Paul's take on suffering..."For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake." Philippians 1:30 Paul makes suffering sound like a gift!!!!
For sure I have mouthed Job's words. "I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, 'Do not condemn me; Let me know why You contend with me. Is it right for You to oppress...?" Job 10:1-3a But I have also, as Job did, "repented in dust and ashes..." 42:6 as I have come face to face with His sovereinty.
I have rejoiced with Isaiah, from the depths of my being as he promises a beautiful future, "No longer will you have the sun for light by day, Nor for brightness will the moon give you light; But you will have the Lord for an everlasting light, And your God for your glory...and the days of your mourning will be finished." Isaiah 60:19, 20b
Recently I have been challenged by one of Paul's prayers. The first line I can pray effortlessly... "That I may know Christ, and the power of His resurrection..." Oh yes!! I want to know this totality of power in my life!! But the next few words I can barely choke out..."and the fellowship of His sufferings..." Philippians 3:10 Do I really and truly want that??? !! To share in the sufferings of Christ??? !!! And yet I have found myself whispering those words.
Silence in suffering? There may be those whose faith never wavers, whose soul is forever strong and trusting, but I have never been able to set down roots in this camp. I have cursed and questioned and struggled and fought and complained and lamented and begged for freedom from this emotional pain.
But I have also worshiped and honored and praised and revered and given my life to this God who defies understanding. I have never stopped loving my Jesus and He continues to patiently love me...not in return, but first and always and forever.
Today, I am David once again. "Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 No searching frantically for a reason or an end to the shadows. Just still. Still in the truth that He is God.
For now, I am silent.
But I do love Jesus
And he knows the pain.
So if pain brings me
Closer to Jesus
I will be silent
With an outstretched hand."
--Kathryn Rathert
I don't like the pain...the challenging days I am living through.
Oh, but I so love my Lord and there is a degree of comfort in knowing that He does know pain firsthand and in turn knows about mine.
As much as I would desire an end to this season I am in, I cannot deny that it intensifies my dependence on Him and causes me to pursue His higher ways.
In short, pain draws me closer to Jesus.
In many ways I can identify with the woman who thought, "If I just touch His garments, I shall get well." (Mark 5:28) My posture is such that I feel my heart and hands outstretched...and oh...if only I could just touch His garments.
I am everything the writer Kathryn expresses in her prose.
Except silent.
I am not silent.
At times I am David protesting, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest...I would lodge in the wilderness. I would hasten to my place of refuge From the stormy wind and tempest." Psalm 55:6-8
Sometimes I utter Jesus' own words, "Father, if You are willing remove this cup from Me------yet not My will but Yours be done." Luke 22:42
In other moments I am like the writer of Lamentations, one minute lamenting, "My soul has been rejected from peace; I have forgotten happiness. So I say, 'My strength has perished, And so has my hope from the Lord." Lamentations 3:17, 18 Hours later I have returned from the pit and able to say, "This I recall to mind, Therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail..." vs. 21,22
It is rare, but there have been spaces of time where I truly believe Paul's take on suffering..."For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake." Philippians 1:30 Paul makes suffering sound like a gift!!!!
For sure I have mouthed Job's words. "I loathe my own life; I will give full vent to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, 'Do not condemn me; Let me know why You contend with me. Is it right for You to oppress...?" Job 10:1-3a But I have also, as Job did, "repented in dust and ashes..." 42:6 as I have come face to face with His sovereinty.
I have rejoiced with Isaiah, from the depths of my being as he promises a beautiful future, "No longer will you have the sun for light by day, Nor for brightness will the moon give you light; But you will have the Lord for an everlasting light, And your God for your glory...and the days of your mourning will be finished." Isaiah 60:19, 20b
Recently I have been challenged by one of Paul's prayers. The first line I can pray effortlessly... "That I may know Christ, and the power of His resurrection..." Oh yes!! I want to know this totality of power in my life!! But the next few words I can barely choke out..."and the fellowship of His sufferings..." Philippians 3:10 Do I really and truly want that??? !! To share in the sufferings of Christ??? !!! And yet I have found myself whispering those words.
Silence in suffering? There may be those whose faith never wavers, whose soul is forever strong and trusting, but I have never been able to set down roots in this camp. I have cursed and questioned and struggled and fought and complained and lamented and begged for freedom from this emotional pain.
But I have also worshiped and honored and praised and revered and given my life to this God who defies understanding. I have never stopped loving my Jesus and He continues to patiently love me...not in return, but first and always and forever.
Today, I am David once again. "Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 No searching frantically for a reason or an end to the shadows. Just still. Still in the truth that He is God.
For now, I am silent.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Your Kingdom Come
So many of us have been able to recite The Lord's Prayer since we were young, which often leaves us shallow in our praying of it. As I have reflected on the past days, three particular words are hitting me..."Your kingdom come..." Too often I think we relegate this "request" to a future time, when the fullness of His kingdom will come.
But I believe it is for now too. In fact, I believe that in our inviting His kingdom to come, we are asking the Divine to step into our lives...into this world in tangible ways.
I have been experiencing this in some very beautiful, purposeful ways.
My emotional health continues to wreak havoc with me. It's not a constant, but certainly prominent, and some days or parts of days have taken me to dark places that I have not been in a while. And sometimes in those places...God's peace is non-existent and His...I-am-with-you-always-Presence has disappeared.
Am I "allowed" to say that?! I mean...aren't we supposed to know peace if we are following Him? Have I failed or has God failed? Or what if neither of us has failed? What if this is just part of the mystery of humanity and divinity?
Regardless...His "hiding" is very real for me at times. And oh so lonely and battle-weary hard. Because I fight to have Him near me.
Yet...His kingdom comes.
"Your kingdom come..." Recently I spent time with a beautifully courageous woman. Our time together, though brief and simple, was rich. Times of silence mixed with purposeful words from each of us marked our encounter. It was all that was needed--I know her story and she knows mine and despite the differences, we are united by a faith we cling to no matter what. She brings Him to me in ways that touch my hurting places.
"Your kingdom come..." My friend-who-sticks-closer-than-a-brother is ever patient, offering gentle truth to me in my days of struggle. I relish those times when she listens to my raw emotional words and thoughts spoken only to a few. Deep, intent listening are such a beautiful quality in my spiritual friend. Her almost daily moments of checking in with me as I walk whatever path is before me is part of my life-line to Him.
"Your kingdom come..." Yesterday a friend with a battered soul herself stopped in at a God-appointed time. It was her day to be strong and to hold me and pray with me through my tears. God truly guides our footsteps.
"Your kingdom come..." For years now, he has been "God-with-skin-on" to me. Sometimes it is his smile that says, "I adore you" when I'm in one of my non-coping moments, or his ever-listening ear, or his constant encouraging words; he is my life-long gift.
"Your kingdom come..." She walked into my bedroom last night upon arriving home...just to say "Hi Mom...how are you?" And with the tears pooling in my eyes, she smiled her compassion and wrapped her arms around me and just loved her Mama.
"Your kingdom come..." I sat in the office of my Spiritual Director today and unburdened my soul...piece by piece. All of my sadness and wondering and condemning thoughts and struggle and fear induced questions...all of this met with compassion and grace. It was a place where I could be needy...where I didn't have to guard an image...where it was very much okay not to be strong and together. I so needed this haven.
"Your kingdom come..." Tomorrow I'm sharing a lunch hour with my crazy friend. Oh she's very much sane, and certainly not without her own wounds, but she makes me laugh...a lot. She's ultra carefree and shockingly outspoken and wildly authentic. And I just know that for at least 60 minutes tomorrow, she will take my mind off of all that's not right in my world right now.
"Your kingdom come..."
Because the divine is so purposefully building His kingdom here...amidst all of our brokenness, I can be assured that I will continue to feel His arms around me, His hand in mine, His words of comfort and truth and compassion...His feet never far from my doorstep...His tenderness in the eyes of someone who is being Jesus to me.
"Your kingdom come..."
But I believe it is for now too. In fact, I believe that in our inviting His kingdom to come, we are asking the Divine to step into our lives...into this world in tangible ways.
I have been experiencing this in some very beautiful, purposeful ways.
My emotional health continues to wreak havoc with me. It's not a constant, but certainly prominent, and some days or parts of days have taken me to dark places that I have not been in a while. And sometimes in those places...God's peace is non-existent and His...I-am-with-you-always-Presence has disappeared.
Am I "allowed" to say that?! I mean...aren't we supposed to know peace if we are following Him? Have I failed or has God failed? Or what if neither of us has failed? What if this is just part of the mystery of humanity and divinity?
Regardless...His "hiding" is very real for me at times. And oh so lonely and battle-weary hard. Because I fight to have Him near me.
Yet...His kingdom comes.
"Your kingdom come..." Recently I spent time with a beautifully courageous woman. Our time together, though brief and simple, was rich. Times of silence mixed with purposeful words from each of us marked our encounter. It was all that was needed--I know her story and she knows mine and despite the differences, we are united by a faith we cling to no matter what. She brings Him to me in ways that touch my hurting places.
"Your kingdom come..." My friend-who-sticks-closer-than-a-brother is ever patient, offering gentle truth to me in my days of struggle. I relish those times when she listens to my raw emotional words and thoughts spoken only to a few. Deep, intent listening are such a beautiful quality in my spiritual friend. Her almost daily moments of checking in with me as I walk whatever path is before me is part of my life-line to Him.
"Your kingdom come..." Yesterday a friend with a battered soul herself stopped in at a God-appointed time. It was her day to be strong and to hold me and pray with me through my tears. God truly guides our footsteps.
"Your kingdom come..." For years now, he has been "God-with-skin-on" to me. Sometimes it is his smile that says, "I adore you" when I'm in one of my non-coping moments, or his ever-listening ear, or his constant encouraging words; he is my life-long gift.
"Your kingdom come..." She walked into my bedroom last night upon arriving home...just to say "Hi Mom...how are you?" And with the tears pooling in my eyes, she smiled her compassion and wrapped her arms around me and just loved her Mama.
"Your kingdom come..." I sat in the office of my Spiritual Director today and unburdened my soul...piece by piece. All of my sadness and wondering and condemning thoughts and struggle and fear induced questions...all of this met with compassion and grace. It was a place where I could be needy...where I didn't have to guard an image...where it was very much okay not to be strong and together. I so needed this haven.
"Your kingdom come..." Tomorrow I'm sharing a lunch hour with my crazy friend. Oh she's very much sane, and certainly not without her own wounds, but she makes me laugh...a lot. She's ultra carefree and shockingly outspoken and wildly authentic. And I just know that for at least 60 minutes tomorrow, she will take my mind off of all that's not right in my world right now.
"Your kingdom come..."
Because the divine is so purposefully building His kingdom here...amidst all of our brokenness, I can be assured that I will continue to feel His arms around me, His hand in mine, His words of comfort and truth and compassion...His feet never far from my doorstep...His tenderness in the eyes of someone who is being Jesus to me.
"Your kingdom come..."
Friday, October 21, 2011
Here I am God
"Here I am God...
I hardly even know where to begin
My soul so overwhelmed
This shadow of depression and anxiety has seemingly sapped me to the core
Confusion and doubt keep reeking havoc with my mind
My energy fails me
Tears well up but there is no release
Your call on my life feels too much
Yet I know this drives me to You
Your life in me strengthens me when I need it
I guess today You don't need me strong
Which makes coming to You all the sweeter
I come as I am
I long for the peace You promise to give..
rest...the warmth of Your presence..."
It's 3:55 on Friday. I am already in my PJ's...just needing that comfort. It has been a really hard day. For over a week and a half now, I have been plagued with varying degrees of anxiety and depression. Today I feel like I have been overtaken.
If I could manage to completely separate this "reality" from everything else in my life, perhaps it wouldn't seem so all encompassing. But how do I do that? Am I supposed to pretend I don't feel what I feel? My friend "J" used to tell me, "Just ride it out my friend". And that seems like the path I should take.
Stop analyzing. Ignore the thoughts that tell me, "You should be handling this better." Put as much of my life up on a shelf as I can until I can cope better. Fall apart with God.
I welcome these words from writer, Sarah Young in her devotional, "Jesus Calling"
"Relax in my everlasting arms. Your weakness is an opportunity to grow in awareness of My Almighty Presence. When your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there. Look to Me and My sufficiency...Go gently through this day, leaning on Me and enjoying My presence. Thank Me for your neediness, which is building trust-bonds between us."
"The eternal God is a dwelling place and underneath are the everlasting arms."
--Deuteronomy 33:27
I am off to my couch to curl up with a blanket and seek the comfort of His everlasting arms.
I hardly even know where to begin
My soul so overwhelmed
This shadow of depression and anxiety has seemingly sapped me to the core
Confusion and doubt keep reeking havoc with my mind
My energy fails me
Tears well up but there is no release
Your call on my life feels too much
Yet I know this drives me to You
Your life in me strengthens me when I need it
I guess today You don't need me strong
Which makes coming to You all the sweeter
I come as I am
I long for the peace You promise to give..
rest...the warmth of Your presence..."
It's 3:55 on Friday. I am already in my PJ's...just needing that comfort. It has been a really hard day. For over a week and a half now, I have been plagued with varying degrees of anxiety and depression. Today I feel like I have been overtaken.
If I could manage to completely separate this "reality" from everything else in my life, perhaps it wouldn't seem so all encompassing. But how do I do that? Am I supposed to pretend I don't feel what I feel? My friend "J" used to tell me, "Just ride it out my friend". And that seems like the path I should take.
Stop analyzing. Ignore the thoughts that tell me, "You should be handling this better." Put as much of my life up on a shelf as I can until I can cope better. Fall apart with God.
I welcome these words from writer, Sarah Young in her devotional, "Jesus Calling"
"Relax in my everlasting arms. Your weakness is an opportunity to grow in awareness of My Almighty Presence. When your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there. Look to Me and My sufficiency...Go gently through this day, leaning on Me and enjoying My presence. Thank Me for your neediness, which is building trust-bonds between us."
"The eternal God is a dwelling place and underneath are the everlasting arms."
--Deuteronomy 33:27
I am off to my couch to curl up with a blanket and seek the comfort of His everlasting arms.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Resting
"I am in Christ;
this is the place God has given me.
I accept it; here I rest;
I do now abide in Jesus."
--Andrew Murray
this is the place God has given me.
I accept it; here I rest;
I do now abide in Jesus."
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Eucharisteo in Abundance
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| Singing Country and Western on our way to Eden |
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| Zoe watching all the action |
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| Bro Randy |
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| Beauty cousins |
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| Splitting Wood |
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| A final voyage before winter |
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| Taking out the docks |
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| Muscles |
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| October 8, 2011 |
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| Enjoying outdoor eating one last time |
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| Watching the Leafs WIN!!! |
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| A gift for the girls from their brrothers |
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