"O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree"

I decorated our Christmas tree tonight.  The one that comes to within an inch of the ceiling.  It's ginormous, and we love it!!  Usually we look for one around 6 feet, but the nursery only had  7-8 foot Balsam fir, and I certainly was not going home "tree-less"!!!   The scent of Balsam draws me to inhale deeper.  It's difficult, but I patiently wait a couple of days for the branches to relax before hauling out all the decorations.

And so, in a quiet house, with Christmas music cheering me on, I began the yearly event.  It is always a nostalgic affair, and at times bittersweet.  Memories often come flooding back of times past.  I carefully place the ornament displaying my mother's picture in the center of the tree, remembering those seasons of deep grief.  I am able to smile and move on and not be catapulted into the sadness. 

I love how the majority of the ornaments remind me of the giver. 

Hand-made decorations made by the small hands of my children many years ago. 

The "five gold rings" ornament given to celebrate my husband's 5 years of sobriety.  That was 18 years ago!! 

A beautiful Betsie Goodman ball of a sleeping baby, given when Cam was born.  It tugs at my heart as I hang it on the tree, feeling the thousands of miles which separate us at present.

Oh, and the hand painted ball which traveled all the way from the Czech Republic, one of many treasured ornaments from a long-time friend.   

Hope are the words on one decoration.  It was what I so desparately needed for some very long, dark, pain-filled years. 

Speaking of hope, my Toronto Maple Leaf ball is sitting quietly beside, but in front of Brian's Boston Bruin Ball.  I wonder how long it will take him to notice my subtle hint.  I wonder how long I will have to hope before my Leaf's get their game together :) 

It was a gentle, happy-sad walk down memory lane tonight.  I suppose it's a reminder that my decorated tree is full of the bitter and the sweet, sort of like life.  And that's okay, because it's what makes living rich and full and wonderfully authentic.

Time to dim the lights, settle in with a warm blanket and enjoy.



 

 

Advent...His Coming

"God of Advent joy,                              
keep my eyes and heart open
to signs of your coming.
May I be joyously expectant,
seeing your coming
in a million ways.
Amen."
--Beth A. Richardson
"The Uncluttered Heart"

It's not something that just happens.  Without focus and choices and planning, Advent can simply be another word on the Christian calender.  For sure, my list of shopping and cards and decorating and gatherings is rather lengthy, and can at times be overwhelming.  Which is why, before I even start making my way through the maze of this season, I want to be steadfast about the deeper meaning.  I want my soul to be awake and alive to the God "who is coming".  And if I leave this all to happenstance, I know the days will rush by me, and I will arrive on Christmas Day, the day I celebrate His birth, and I will have missed "seeing his coming in a million ways". 

I know He is here, woven throughout my days, sometimes in obvious ways, and at other times, seemingly hidden.  That is, unless I am watching and listening and still and aware.  Today He showed up in a "chance" conversation, in a young woman's laughter, in the heaping pile of blessedness He dumps on me. 

On a whim, I decorated the inside of my home on Friday evening. The nostalgic beauty of decorations brought out of hiding, the familiar sounds of Christmas music, the flicker of candles and the shadows of lights, all serve to remind me that He is coming. 

I am joyously expectant.

"Out of the Mouths of Babes" Part 3

This will be the final part of "Out of the Mouths of Babes"

Ashley said she hopes I don't die until "you have wrinkles all over and you're ugly, and VERY elderly."  (Age 9)

This was a conversation with Brian's parents.  He was making a tongue and cheek comment saying, "We learned something new--Cameron is never wrong."
Without skipping a beat, Cam said, "You finally figured it out--and you've spent so much time reading all those books."  (Age 12)

A quote from Ashley:  "Parents and their sense of humor dies every day--it's tragic."  (Age 10)

"You don't have to hold back your tears for me, Mommy...I cry too...let it go."  (Ashley...Age 10, the night before one of Brian's surgeries)

I had been talking with Ashley about how she had been somewhat mean to a neighbour girl.
She said, "Everybody makes mistakes."
I said, "I know...I'm just asking you to think more carefully."
She responded, "I'm not the only kid who's made someone eat dirt before!"  (Age 10)

Following Cam's third blow-up since coming home from school, he came down from his room...put his arms around me, kissed me, and I said, "What am I going to do with you?"
His response:  "Love me tender."  (Age 14)

Four days prior to Cam and Brian leaving for Haiti.
I told Cam that I had cried during the time of commissioning that morning in church.
He smiled at me...gave me a long, big hug and said, "You did a good job of making me, Mom."  (Age 16)

It seems rather appropriate to leave off here, since that same young man, now two years older, is in the Philippines by now.  He left Thursday morning with a mission's team for a month long stay of ministry.  I trust that he has arrived safely, and know for certain, that a God-sized adventure awaits him.

"Out of the Mouths of Babes" Part 2

Further thoughts from my childrens' younger years.

When Ashley was 6, I went to see a neurologist because of tingling in my arms and legs.  I was trying to explain to her in a way that she could understand so I said, "I'm going to the hospital today for a test on my nerves to see how I can feel."
Her response was, "Oh, so you mean they're testing you about how you still have to apologize sometimes because you're a little mean."

Cameron talking with Brian after one of his meltdowns.
"Well Daddy, if you would just let me do what I want then I wouldn't have temper tantrums." (Age 9)

It was a very muddy day and Cameron asked to wear MY rubber boots to school after lunch at home.  When he got to school, he realized that they weren't very cool, but there wasn't time to come home again and change.  At the end of the day when he came home, I asked him how his afternoon was.  He said, "Not very good...kids were teasing me about my boots because they have a heel on them."
I replied, "I'm sorry honey."
Then he said, "Actually, I told a little lie....I told them that my other pair of boots say, 'I love Barney', so which do you think I would rather wear...daaaaaah."  (Age 10)

Ashley, after she and Cameron made bad choices at lunch--on our walk back to school she said emphatically, "But Mommy, how do we get the sin out of our minds?"  (Age 7)

Ashley
"I can't wait until we die, then I can have my own puppy, and we on't have to pay for it cuz everything will be free."  (Said with enthusiasm jumping around the kitchen) (Age 7)

A conversation with my children after Cameron said that EVERYONE in his class says that he's ugly.  (Turns out only one boy had said this)  Then, Ashley and I both told Cameron we thought he was handsome.
I said to him, "What do you think of yourself when you look in the mirror?"
He replied with a very male answer, "I don't think anything."
Then I asked Ashley the same question and she answered with the expression that belongs only to her, "I think I look great!" (Age 10 and 7)

Ashley's closing sentence to her prayer:  "And God, you sure do make my life much better than I thought it would be."  (Age 7)

Ashley...another bedtime prayer:  "Thank you for my puppies and my Mom and brover and my Dad, and me, DEFINETELY!"  (Age 8)

"Mommy, does everyone sin?"
"Yes Ashley."
"Because it seems like it's just our family that sins."  (Age 8)

"Mommy?"
"Yes, Ashley."
"I would risk my life to save you."  (Almost 8)

Commencement November 5, 2010

"We interrupt the scheduled series "Out of the Mouths of Babes", to celebrate the Grade 12 Graduation of one of those "babes"...Cameron Mark."


This past Friday evening was the Commencement ceremony for our son and his graduating class.

I suppose in some ways this event seemed like an afterthought, as he finished Grade 12 over 4 months ago, but the evening contained a wonderful air of excitement and celebration.

It was Cam's thrill and honor to receive the Primus Alumnus Award for his academic achievement and overall contribution to the school  This was unknown to him and to us, until we arrived.  A most memorable moment.

 "Don't limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time."
--Rabbinic proverb
Cam...you have marched to the beat of your own drum since the day you were born.  It has been one wild and crazy ride for the past 18 years.  We are so very proud of your hard work, and scholastic accomplishments.  But more than this, we are filled with joy as we have watched you embrace God on this pathway of life.  Our thank offering, is ultimately given to Him, who has clearly had His hand on your life each and every day.  We continue to give you to God, so that He may further the work He has begun in you...for His purposes. (Philippians 1:6)
Blessings, and our love and prayers...Mom and Dad

"Out of the Mouths of Babes" Part 1

Eighteen years ago I was given "A Mother's Journal" from a dear friend.  Although initially, I used it as such, recording my thoughts of how mothering was unfolding for me, eventually, it became the place where I penned the words which came out of the mouths of my babes.  Every so often I return to these pages and smile and laugh and enjoy their sweet "innocence".

The other day, the stories from these pages, eased from my mind, the stresses of the day.  And I thought, "Why not share a laugh or two...or more?"  So, I've decided to run a series, I'm not sure for how long, of the priceless happenings in our home, many years ago.

"The stories you are about to hear are all true.  Not even the names or place have been changed."  Ha,ha

--Putting Ashley to bed one evening I said to her, "Ashley, you are so special to me."  She responded, "Mommy you are special to me too.  Can I keep you?"  (Age 4 )

--"Mommy, how come you have scales on your face?"
"What do you mean Cameron?"
"Under your eyes...there's scales."
"Those aren't scales, they're called wrinkles."
"Oh, you sure do have a lot of them."
"Thankyou, Cameron (not), but you shouldn't tell other women that they have a lot of wrinkles."
"Why not?"
"Well, because women would like to have soft, smooth skin like you do."
"Oh." (Age 7 1/2)

--Ashley received 2 sets of Barbie sheets and comforters from one of Brian's assistants.  She was thrilled!  I told her that the woman's daughters were "out of" Barbie stuff.  Ashley said to me, "Mommy, how could anybody not want Barbie anymore!  Tell me you will never, ever, sell these!"  (Age 5)  P.S. We no longer have Barbie bedding :)

--Cameron had a sleepover at the church and I asked him "What was the most fun?"
His reply, "Eating popcorn, caramel corn and not brushing my teeth."  (Age 8)

--"Mommy, I had a great dream last night."
"What was it Ashley?"
"God came down here and we were playing ball together."
"Oh, Ashley, that's great.  What game did you play?"
"Soccer"
"Who won?"
"God."  (Age 5)

--One day I was helping Ashley get her epi-pen on inside her snowpants.  I said that I could do it because "I'm an amazing mother."
To which she replied, "Mom...you're not amazing--you're a good working mother."
"Oh", I said.
"No one is amazing except God...you're good working."  (Age 5 1/2 )

--One day I had Cameron write out a list of what he needed to accomplish between breakfast and a friend coming to walk with him to school.  He would forget certain things and I would remind him.  Finally, with a groan of exasperation he said, "Life is so tough with women around."  (age 8)

--Cameron to his sister  "Ashley, you shouldn't argue with Mommy because she'll win." (Age 9)

My Storehouse

"It's important to keep adding to our storehouse of names, aspects, and images of God.  We tend to stick with the familiar images such as Father, Shepherd, Comforter, Christ.  But what if we're looking for the divine Comforter while the divine Challenger actually is on our case?  Or we're thinking we need the Fire of the Spirit to buck up our faltering spirits when God is trying to make the Water of grace available  through our own tears?  What if we're looking for divine Light and illumination when what's available is the divine Darkness in a 'cloud of unknowing'?"
--Robert Corin Morris
"Wrestling with Grace:  A Spirituality for the Rough Edges of Daily Life"

I read this quote about a week ago and it caught my attention.  I began to ponder what "new" name or image of God I should be adding to my storehouse.  Or perhaps worded another way, "What 'new' name or image of God does HE desire to add to my storehouse?

Personally, I am more comfortable with God as my Comforter than my Challenger, or God as my Light as opposed to Divine Darkness.  I am consistently looking to God to be my Security, my Stability in a world...in my world, which seems ever changing.  And I know that this is good and right and wise.  He should be my Security.  He should be the One in whom I find stability.  But what I am being challenged on in the words of Robert Corin Morris, is that He should  be more than that.  And quite frankly, that makes me feel a little uneasy.  At which time I run to my Security and bury my heart in His strength and ask Him to walk with me through the coming season.

Because I know that one is here.  A new season.

I met several days ago, a woman, whom I have asked to disciple me.  I have been praying and seeking a new Spiritual Director, as my previous one has felt she was unable to continue providing me direction.  And so I have patiently waited for His guidance in finding someone else to fill this particular role in my life.  The time spent with this woman held a strength and richness which has ignited a new sense of spiritual excitement.  But it was also apparent that her way of discipling would lead me onto a new fork in the road.  Herein lies an uneasiness as well.  No longer is the path clear in front of me the way I had mapped it out.  Now there are unknowns.  What will walking into this blank territory of my soul yield?  Is there a dormant part of my being that needs to be awakened?  Is there a weak part of my soul which needs to be made strong?    Yet I sense that God is mapping out this something new.  I sense holiness even amidst the quiet fear.  I wonder if just maybe, God does not have some new names or an image of Himself in mind, for me to add to my storehouse?

And so in His gentle strength, I will enter this new season, turn my soul into this fork in the road, and wait to hear the name He whispers in my ear.

Toronto 3 Florida 1

I think I had perma-grin this past Tuesday evening.  My hubby was given two tickets to a corporate box at the ACC and he took me!!!!!!!  My first time ever watching my Toronto Maple Leafs live!!  What a blast!

It was just wild to be there..the bright lights and cranked volume, and a massive amount of Leaf Jersey's.  Who knew that there could be so many different styles?  Our "box" was like a hotel room.  A couch, chair, mini kitchenette, and of course lots of food.

I enjoyed the veggies and dip and Brian enjoyed the pizza, fahitas, chicken fingers, chips and Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream. 

But what I relished in the most, was watching my Leaf's WIN!!!!! 

A night to remember for sure :)

Free Falling into God

It's how I would describe my son's openness to God these past weeks.  He's doing this incredible free fall into the "bigness" of God, and it is something truly amazing to watch and be a part of.

He's home for the weekend, having just returned from 11 days out of the province being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Sometimes that meant feeding the homeless, and other times it meant painting a wall.  At times it was about speaking truth to an individual, or listening to God reveal truth to his own heart.

But always, it was about pulling back the flesh of his body, exposing his raw, beating heart, and allowing God to mold and develop and make his innermost being, wise and loving and patient and kind...in a wild sort of way.  My boy is unashamedly wild at heart.

But I am still his mother, and as I hear him spill forth his dreams and thoughts and all that is so radical and extreme and beyond any sense of comfort, I find myself running.

Running to God so I can sit in the presence of the Creator of this life I birthed.  Sit and listen and feel His calming, all consuming Presence.  And surrender.  Alone in my livingroom with hands outstretched...upward to the heavens,  entrusting my son once again, surrendering my mother heart, submitting to the One who guides and protects and calls us to follow Him.

And in the surrendering, I was thanking.  Thanking Him that He is in charge and not I, that I don't have to carry this burden, because my son belongs to God.  A sweet, reckless belonging. 

Clay Crosse sings a powerful song called "I Surrender All".  The words so accurately depict the passion I see exuding from my son.  I share the lyrics and music video with you, as a tribute to the Majesty, Wonder and Wildness of a God who has called my son, and who personally calls each of us to free fall into Him.

I love watching you "fall", Cam!

I Surrender All

I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand


In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours


I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires 
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all


If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain


So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise


Everything I am, all I've done and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life  I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all


Clay Crosses

 http://youtu.be/THHu5QPjB_4

Thanksgiving

 "What shall I render to the Lord

for all His benefits to me?"

--Psalm 116:12

 I'm thankful 
...for autumn's beauty; brilliant sunlight highlighting vibrant colors...the crunch of leaves beneath my shoes...the scent that causes me to inhale deeper
... for Eden's glory in work or play...
...for the richness of family and laughing, resting, sharing, and living together...
...for the ache that comes because I miss my son, but love his passion for serving God...
...for the bounty of food...always
I'm thankful for home that is always waiting for us...


"Enjoy winter's hibernation, Eden...see you in spring."

Beer for my Horses

Some of you are, at this moment, both bewildered and concerned.  As far as you are aware, I don't own any horses, and I'm not a guzzling  beer drinker.

What I am though, is a Country Music fan, and last evening, on our way home from dinner at my in-laws, my daughter and I had the sound waves dancing.  It had been a lovely autumn day, our windows were halfway down and we were both enjoying the cool beat of country.  And then this song came on..."Beer for my Horses".  Even though I can readily groove to the beat of Country, I can also admit that this genre of music can make a bad name for itself by some of it's lyrics.  And yes, "Beer for my Horses" was one such song.

But it made me laugh, and I had fun singing along with the crooning cowboy.  It was a welcome reprieve from a stressful week.  I am in the midst of trying to manage, adjust and understand some health issues.  It's nothing serious.

Living with Diabetes calls for a level of daily maintenance anyway, and once and awhile that level skyrockets.  I visited my specialist on Monday, having waited 4 months to see her.  Again, what sent me to her office was not a crisis, but my family doctor and I felt that her expertise would be helpful in understanding some challenges I was facing.  I left my apt. feeling like I had just been through a whirlwind and whipped out the other side.  She stopped one of my insulin's and started me on a brand new one, rearranged all of my dosages to my other insulin, changed my meal plan, booked me in with a Dietitian and scheduled 4 more app.'s with her over the next month!  Whew!  Can I catch my breath please???

I can tell that I have gained perspective over the years, because even as she was explaining all of the above, I was having a little chat with myself.  "It's okay, Juanita...it's a lot to take in right at the moment, but in the long run, this will benefit you."  So I just kept nodding, smiling and breathing :)  And "Hey", I didn't even cry when I got in my van to drive home!

I have quickly accepted that I am in a season of having to care for myself  surrounding a number of health issues.  I have been going to Physio twice a week(most weeks), since June, which has yanked 3-4 hours out of every week.  Two weeks ago I started to experience results.  It's been a long haul.  As well, at the end of July I had a small hemorrhage in my right eye, which has thankfully been healing on its own.  However, my Ophthalmologist would like to investigate the cause, which has meant more apt.'s, tests, and another specialist next week.  Oh, and two different doctors also want blood work done over the next week or so.  Enough already!!!!

So, I am working at settling in to this season of change, managing my day timer, and trying to go with the flow.  Not my forte! 

Oh, and, I blare "Beer for my Horses" and remember to laugh and not get too out of sorts over all that is transpiring.