"Trust" 2018

"We know how much God loves us,

and we have put our trust in his love."

--1 John 4:16

The last number of years I have moved away from making resolutions for the upcoming year and towards finding a word that I believe God would desire that I emulate in the coming days.

The latter part of 2017 seemed full of crisis and suffering in the lives of some that I love.  I struggled to make sense of much that was unfolding.  My spirit was filled with empty answers to all of the "why's".  In the latter days of this past year the Spirit of God called me to a new place; a place of trust.  I have never been able to dwell in this place for very long.  I am so quickly driven off course by the ever changing circumstances of life.  I don't like this about myself.  I long for a deeper abiding faith; one which is not tossed around by what I or others are faced with.

When I read the above verse just days ago I knew immediately that trust was my word for the coming year and that this verse encapsulated the basis of such trust.  I paused to ask the question the verse was begging--"Do I trust His love?"  This truly is the crux of the matter for me.  Do I know how much God loves me and do I then trust in this love?  Because if I am unsure of His love, if there is any question in my mind of the vastness of His love, I will then find my trust weakened to this degree. 

I know the answer to the question.

I only trust His love to the degree that I can humanly measure it.  In other words, when God acts in a way that I feel is unloving, my trust disintegrates and I begin to doubt and question and fight against Him.  It's completely unfair to God. God is not the problem here but rather this god I worship called "control" is.  When life feels out of control, mine or otherwise, I move towards fear and away from trust.  I grasp to regain this pseudo control I think I have.

The last few months have found my spirit tired of the yoyo trust/fear cycle.  It's exhausting, discouraging and such a waste of my energy.  My heart's desire is to move into the coming year growing in trust.  And growing this deeper trust will only come through having His love be the bedrock of my faith.  If I truly believe that God loves me like crazy, that He is not holding out on me, then I will be free to trust Him and rest in His ways despite the hard that might unfold.

Last winter I spent every other Wednesday with a group of women, pouring over the scriptures together.  One line has remained engraved on my mind and was later creatively drawn on wood by my niece.  "Think well enough of Jesus to trust Him", challenges Dallas Willard.  These words hang in my hallway as a constant reminder of the growing that lies ahead of me.

The hard of the last few months will carry over into this new year. I am already feeling the heaviness. The life circumstances my friends are facing did not magically disappear as the calendar page turned.  What lies ahead for me personally is unknown.  But God still is.  He is my only place of stability, my only constant.  He will guide me into deeper places of trust as I invite Him into the coming days.

He is Here

Advent and Hope

I am so here and ready for Advent.  I know Advent is about the waiting for Christ to come, but I have been waiting for Advent to arrive!!!!  There has been so much that has unfolded in the lives of some beautiful friends of mine and I feel hungry, starved even, for a fresh and deep and profound encounter with Jesus.

This first week is on Hope.  We use this word quite loosely this days--

I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow
I hope I don't get caught in traffic on the way to this appointment.
I hope chicken is on sale this week at the grocery store.

Of course there is nothing wrong with stating these words. 

But for sure they pale in comparison to the one who is hoping that this week she will receive the results of her husband's tests that they've been waiting for.  And she hopes that this gives her clearer direction for how to plan for tomorrow and next week and the week after. In all honesty her hope of one day being free from the overwhelming stress and energy of full-time care-giving lies in one of two options:  she places her husband in long term care or...he dies. How's that for brutal reality?

Hope takes on a new intensity for my friend who wonders if she is strong enough to travel over Christmas and if she does, will the effects on her and her family be manageable and worth it. She hopes for the day she can drive again, return to work...even make a complete meal without resting in between each task.  Last week, her eyes looked "awake" for the first time since the middle of September.  Her smiling eyes looked like hope.

And for yet another friend, her journey from cancer to cancer free lasted only months before some cruel joke began to poke at her battered body.  And now Hope pleads and begs that tomorrow she will be healed from intolerable pain that the medical community has yet to diagnose.  And it's been three months!!!!!!! She hopes that one day we will laugh together again, that life will offer more than just existing or escaping to sleep. 

This is the perspective of Hope that none of want to have to come face to face with but many of us will at some point in our lives.  Right now, three of my friends are living it.  And in being even a small part of their journey, I find I am living in hope with them.

Needing Hope to light my pathway is not a foreign experience for me.  I have prepared for Christmas in the past where hope was barely a word I could utter.  The darkness of life had so enveloped me that truly I felt bereft of any hope.  And yes, to the point where even my hope in God was shaken.  No one wants to hear this.  Even Christians don't want to hear these words.  It makes people uncomfortable to hear a Christ follower say, "I have no hope.".  Because what does that say about the incredible grace and mercy and love of God who is our eternal hope???!!!!!  Truthfully, I don't think it reflects on God at all.  What it does say is, "In my frail humanity and because of the depth of my suffering, I have lost all hope...I can't even see God."  And what do we need... what do we desire in such dark seasons in our lives???  Not a neatly put together spiritual response of how God must be using this for good somewhere down the road!!  No, we desire someone to cry with us and hold us, and say "I'm sorry your pain is that deep, but I will hold out hope for you when you are unable.  I will stay on this journey longing, praying, hoping...

So today as I opened my Advent devotional and began reading about expectations and hope I have these three friends (and others) pictured in my mind.  And I hope and pray with a deep longing and pleading that these women will sooner rather than later experience the fruit of their practice of hope.  And on those days when hope is hidden behind the darkness I will keep my hope alive for them.
Sometimes this is all we can do...
We pray and pray...
and Hope.

Downsizing the Season

I knew in September that without a revised Christmas plan I would default to the original which clearly was not working.  Every thought of the upcoming season filled me with a sense of overwhelming dread.  And yet there is much about this season which I take great delight in.  For as long as I can remember I started out with a well intentioned plan but somewhere along the way it took on a life of its own and I would end up tired, stressed and feeling like I had failed again. 

It was in my search for an Advent Devotional for this year that I stumbled upon a fresh look at the season that is now upon us.     Alexandra Kuykendall is the wise author of "Loving My Actual Christmas--An Experiment in Relishing The Season".  As I read some of her thoughts I felt like perhaps God would use this woman to somehow give me direction to the days that so often tie me up in knots. Tomorrow is the beginning of Advent,and while I have clearly not yet delved into the readings, I did immediately pore over a section of "helps".  This was well over a month ago and it became the catalyst which has guided me the past number of weeks.  

I sequestered myself for two weeks earlier in November and dove into Christmas cards, shopping and decorating. Yes, my Christmas tree and decor was lighting up our home several weeks ago already!  My hubby is helping me wrap gifts as I write this.:)  All of this was necessary if I am to have any hope of some of the calm and enjoyment and purpose that I desire in this season. December is, by nature, full.  What I didn't want was to leave the above mentioned preparation to put into a month that is already at its limit.  There's so much in these coming days which compels my heart to have a clearer focus----

Tomorrow brings the first Sunday of Advent.  This spiritual practice has grown in importance to me year by year. Oh may it increase even more this season!!    How I pray that these days of waiting- anticipation for the coming of Immanuel, that these times of reflection and prayer, will move me ever closer in love for my Savior!

I only have 2 1/2 weeks with my daughter this Christmas and within those days I am also required to "share" her.  I so want to  have these December days as time devoted to her and the rest of my family.  

Already I am walking into December with several friends facing dark times.  It's important for me that my heart has places with energy and time to continue giving to these dear ones.  

These are the places I yearn for my heart to have time for.  I knew I needed to actively pursue a new trajectory if I was to even come near to what I long for.

Still, despite all plans and pursuits, there is the unfolding of life which is no respecter of seasons.  My plans and desires are nothing that can be engraved in stone.  "Loving My Actual Christmas" will have wisdom to share to guide me in all the unplanned moments which lie beyond today.  The title even proposes this reality--we will all have our own "actual Christmas".  

Immanuel

as I wait for You to come

I pray that I will

greet each new day with 

open hands

humble trust

and a spirit ever open to Yours

so I may 

love my actual Christmas.

As Reality Sets In

"I can't picture her living anywhere else but neither can I imagine her not being close."

The tension in these words are the closest I can understand and articulate when it comes to how I feel about my girl living on the other side of the country.

Since she pulled up roots and left the province a little over two years ago, I have moved through various thought processes.  And even though I was aware that she was planning to stay after graduation, that reality is setting in.  In some ways it felt like she was gone on this long term vacation adventure.  There was always another semester around the corner and I think it teased me into feeling like this was somehow temporary.  But she just signed a one year lease November 1 and is currently tweaking and re-tweaking her resume so she can apply for a "big girl job" as she puts it. 

Three weeks from today she comes home for Christmas.  I can hardly wait until she's home and yet...I can.  Because being on this side of Christmas holds a wealth anticipation.  The other side speaks of goodbye which seems far too big for my Mama's heart to grasp.  

A couple of nights ago I was hit with a rushing panic about the miles between us.  A trying-to-catch-the-sucking-air from leaving my heart kind of panic.  

She's soooooooooo far away!  I can never just drive over to her home for the evening!  We can't go out shopping for an afternoon unless I get on a plane!!  Which I will do, but the extravagance of spontaneously hitting a mall together tomorrow is not a reality.  And I just don't know if I can do this "forever."  

For my girl, Vancouver is home...for now.  But even she can't imagine always having to get on a plane in order to see her family!  She has her own aching heart.  

How can life be like this!!??

So as reality sets in, for this Mama--

I will remember that so many other Mama's live with the same piece of their heart missing and mostly they are making it work.  

I will remember that "for now" does not mean forever and that really I am only to live a day at a time anyway.

And I will keep in that sacred place this deep sense of gratitude which is said so eloquently by Winnie the Pooh--"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

 

Sisters

The "tomorrow" of October 10 has come and gone and I have been home with bags unpacked for over a week now.

My memories of this time away are still near to my thoughts which is a lovely  place for them to be I find.  In some ways they are effortless to recount and yet in other ways I feel as though more took place in those 7 days than I can fully put words to.

In a short and succinct way, I had an amazing time.  It was rich to be in the space my sister now calls home...to laugh and work and relax and shop and eat and walk and sleep and put faces to names of friends.  It was beautiful to do life together from sun up til sun down for a stretch of days.

I slept on a mattress covered with memories.  The quilt which warmed me at night was the same one which spread across our bed in our upstairs farmhouse bedroom.  A touch like this to my sleeping hours is something I can't put words to.  There's so much wrapped up in the threads of this covering.

The growing up years are for the early stages of discovering who we are as individuals and throughout our lives, we continue to unfold yet more and more.  It was interesting for both of us, now as adults, to interact with each other in ways that we have never previously done.

We worked well together with comfort and ease; a delightful thing to discover, and very helpful for sorting through boxes!!  There was never a time where I noticed an edge in either of us.  We seemed to glide smoothly through the days.  I suppose you could suggest that we were both on our best behavior, but I think it had more to do with each of us sharing similar patterns of living.

We both like to eat healthy which makes grocery shopping and meal preparation an enjoyable affair.

Neither of us have to have the best of everything which means perfection was not the goal of setting up her home.

My sister has a quiet, relaxed way about her, a serenity even, which I often lack.  I benefited greatly from following her lead in the pace of our days.  It's a way of living and being that I am endeavoring to have flow through my days.

We share a desire to be self aware and within that comes a natural way of expressing our thoughts and feelings.  We both, for varying reasons had moments of tears and could simply and honestly express what was behind the struggle sliding down our cheeks.  In turn, the other quietly listened without  a compulsion to ebb the flow or fix the problem.  I love this about us. 

As very young and impressionable girls we shared the tragic loss of our mother.  Our lives have been forever changed by this day in our history.  Each of us found ourselves in that ocean of grief in different times in our adult lives and over time opened the silence of our grief to one another.  That our pain bears a strong collective component is no surprise.  The embracing of our pain has in turn enabled us to embrace each other in a unique and intimate way.   There are not always words for moments.  We have lived these moments in shared silence.  I wonder if this isn't a part of the reason why I feel inept to capture and put into words our week together.  It was like there was a part of our being together as sisters which was sacred for us.  For sure it was for me.

So I won't force words where none should be.

Even what I have written feels unfinished, lacking...

I will hold this time near to my grateful heart and let this be enough.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow feels big.  Probably because it is.

Tomorrow feels a little scarey.  I suppose because any time we step out of our comfort zones we are faced with that sense of having lost our familiar foothold.

Tomorrow feels exciting.  Because it's the start of a week long adventure that looks like abundance in so many ways.

Tomorrow holds promise.  Anytime I step out with God He promises to walk with me and to work in and around me in rich and unique ways.

One of my sisters moved today and tomorrow morning I fly to her new home to help her unpack, settle and begin this next season of her life.  She's been nothing short of a warrior woman to get to this day and I feel honored to be able to take the paper off the many treasures in her mountain of boxes so she is able to set up her own nest.

The Airporter picks me up at 7 am for my 10:15 flight.  This is the second time in the last few years that I am flying alone which is no small feat for one who was "can't- move- can't- breathe-terrified-of-flying!!  So yes, this is out of my comfort zone, but I'm doing it!!!

The last time my sister and I had concentrated time like this together we were teenagers on our family farm.  I can't remember which one of us truly did hog the covers in the bed we shared, but I know we blamed the other endlessly.   Spending this coming week together, at times feels daunting and yet we are both believe that this is a gift of time that will be memorable.  And if in the midst of boxes and disorganization either of us need space, well...we are both more than capable of expressing what we need and graciously living that out.  We have both grown up at lot since cover hogging days!!!

Being away from home and managing life with diabetes is always a challenge for me on many levels.  It's so much easier to control blood sugars and maintain a consistent eating schedule and menu in the confines of my nest.  Stepping out of my environment is challenging and yet I know I would miss out on so much if I remained within my own familiar walls.

I am a homebody by far!!  haha  But four years ago God began to whisper in my ear that my stationary, "safe" life kept me from splashes of adventure.   And so here I am, with bags packed, ready for another one. 

Bedtime soon to rest my body and the butterflies:)

Morning Prayer

For a number of years now, as I have prepared to start the day, I have knelt by my bed, lifted my hands heavenward and prayed--

"You are God and I am not 
Lord Jesus Christ

I surrender to you today--

Ashley, Cam and Sonya, Brian and myself

We belong to You

Awaken us to You

I seek to entrust this day

into Your sovereign will and care..

to live open handed

and trust in the unfolding of Your will

In Jesus' name

Amen 

It's not lost on me the depth of these words

or the trust needed to allow God to be God 

in whatever way He may choose in the next 24 hours.

Yet I continue to lay my heart out through these words 

because in all the world

 there is no other place I find security

than in God alone.

 

Mountaintop Convocation

 

It was only 9 degrees and I was wrapped in blankets even with my jacket, but the mountainous landscape was breathtaking and my heart was warmed by the excitement of the moment.  Four years ago I hadn't envisioned my daughter's convocation being on the far side of the country with a mountain peak canvas.  But then I have an entire list of milestones and adventures and courageous leaps that were not a part of what I could see when she was accepted into university.

So much has unfolded since then.

So much that inspires me and surprises me and fills me with gratitude.

I had the honor of accompanying her through each station pre-ceremony. outfitting her for the event--degree, gown, hood and mortar board, all symbols of the blood, sweat and tears of accomplishment.  I looked on while seeking to take it all in--this outdoor celebration of the next generation--and my girl had wholly earned her place among the graduates.  When her name was read from the platform and she walked across the stage, she was just another face to the few thousand onlookers.  But for me!!?
Oh how vast is my knowledge and understanding of the journey this beautiful young woman has been on for 22 years.  How deep and strong she has become.  The battles she has fought, the wars she is still fighting, the stunning victories she has achieved are not lost on me for even a second.  I'm privy to her anxious spirit; the stronghold fear strives to have on her; yet she breaks free time and time again.  I lament and celebrate her overactive mind and wild imagination and her attempts at taming the negative side of both.  I marvel at her vivid creativity with words and the way they transport me to places of freedom and pain and hope and restlessness as I pour through the pages of her blog.  I'm challenged by her courage to investigate, question and chart her own path, independent of those around her or even the way in which we raised her.  I love how she is marking her own steps towards a faith that is her own and not just one passed down.  I still marvel at the crazy brave decision she made to move across the country and make strangers into friends, adapt to culture and risk missing everything and everyone she left behind.  I love the ways in which she has embraced so many different cultures and race through friendships and how she chooses to honor them and be a voice on their behalf.  I love that I can learn from this one whom I birthed.  What an honor.

On that cold, fresh morning in early June, I applauded the countless times she's pushed through illness, loneliness pain and confusion in order to walk across a platform hailed as a graduate.

Now she's referred to as alumni:)  She joins the hundreds who donned their gowns and caps that day to celebrate and close one chapter of their lives.  The future is largely unknown for her.  After a summer of home and traveling she'll return to her beloved mountains to find a place to live and a job to pay the bills.  And though there are parts of her that long for the future to be engraved in stone,  I am forever reminding her that having an uncharted road map is more than okay.  For now she's sinking her soul into life as it is unfolding and learning and growing more beautiful along the way.

Ashley...you make your Mama proud
love you to the moon and back

The Whirlwind

This is what the past 7 weeks have felt like.  A whirlwind!!!!!  And I don't think the wind will calm down for another week yet.  Sometimes, no matter how I plan to keep life quiet and calm, the air current picks up and threatens to whip me around within it.  At times I have been caught up in the storm and yet at other moments it is only swirling around me and not within. 

I can't count the number of times I have purposed to sit down and blog and yet my best intentions are lost somewhere in the unfolding of each day.

Seven weeks ago I sat in a crowded auditorium full of women hungry to hear God's voice.  The night was rich and powerful and spoke to my spirit in ways I had been eager for.  The 3 a.m. phone call the following morning began days filled with emotions all seeming to piggyback the other-- sadness and loss and celebration and accomplishment, stresses and surprises.  I think it is called life.  I also call it hard.

My sister-in-law succumbed to her brain cancer that early Saturday morning of June 3.  Two days later we flew across the country to celebrate our daughter's convocation from university and to help her pack up her belongings for storage for 3 months.  Rollercoaster emotions accompanied our days. A fiasco of sorts challenged our sanity as we needed to schedule our home flight for a day earlier to be part of the remembering and celebrating Debbie's life.  Being with family was needful and tiring.  Right on the heels of the funeral was a business  conference with a completely different environment and thankfully in the same city.  Home was a welcome place after being gone almost 2 weeks and I was exhausted.  Exhausted emotionally and psychically and ready for a much needed breathing space.   But so much of what should have transpired as uneventful continued to challenge me in so many ways.  As soon as this dust settled my tired girl came home to rest and enjoy family and friends and participate in a wedding before she flys across the ocean to spend six weeks with her bosom friend.  Thankfully I was wise enough to keep my calendar virtually clear so that I can be with her and be here for her.  The days have not been smooth for her for a long time but she and I have both noticed even more pronounced fatigue and emotional weariness.  She is in the care of a health care provider but there are not quick solutions to the longevity of what she is experiencing.  Cam and Sonya joined us for a belated Father's Day and Ashley's 22nd. birthday celebration.  I have learned something valuable since my kids have left home--the time that we spend together is never enough, but it is rich and filling and is a source of contentment for my Mama's heart still the same. Then just a few days ago we sold our cottage which has been for sale for four  years.  It's time but with no one even putting an offer on it for the past years to two very quick offers and the sale of it, it has actually come as a surprise. Our niece will be married this coming Saturday and it feels rather fitting to awaken on Sabbath morning and pack up the car to travel to our Eden and enjoy the last 6 days of ownership of what has been a haven for our family for 20 years.  A few days after our return I will hug my girl goodbye as she braves her way across the waters to the experience of a lifetime.  And I will pray alot!!

Perhaps then the wind will become a gently blowing breeze and I will be able to blog about Ashley's convocation, selling our cottage, and what God is doing in the deep places of my heart.

For now, I keep trying to steady myself in Him as the wind blows.

Turn Your Spirit Loose

A prayer by Ted Loder

For all who, like me, struggle daily with the edges of fear and live with wild imaginations of the good and the evil that could befall us, but who persistently and desperately continue to give ourselves to the steadfastness of Christ by the grace of Christ.

Turn Your Spirit Loose

O God, turn your Spirit loose now,
and me with it,
that I may go to where the edge is
to face with you the shape of my mortality:
the inescapable struggle and loneliness and pain
which remind me
that I am less than god after all,
that you have made me with hard limits,
limits to my strength,
my knowledge,
my days.

Facing those limits, Lord,
grant me grace
to live to the limit
of being unflinchingly alive,
irrepressibly alive,
fully alive,
of experiencing
every fragile,
miraculous,
bloody,
juicy,
aching,
beautiful ounce
of being a human being;
of doing my duty
and a little more;
of loving the people around me,
my friends and my enemies;
of humbling myself to take others seriously
and delightedly;
of applying my heart to the wisdom of simplicity,
the freedom of honesty.

O God, turn your Spirit loose here,
and me with it,
that I may go to where the silence is
to face with you the utter mystery
of questions without answers,
pain without balm,
sorrow without comfort,
and fears without relief,
which hound my days
and haunt my sleep.

Facing the mystery, Lord,
grant me grace
to wrestle with it
until I name the fears
and force them to set me free
to move on with whatever limp I'm left with;
to wrestle with it
until the pain teach me
and I befriend it,
until the silence subdues me
into an awareness that it is holy
and I am healed by it;
to wrestle with it
until I go deeper in it
to gratitude
for all the shapes of wholeness
and hope that bless me.

O God,
turn your Spirit loose now,
and me with it,
that I may go to where the darkness is
to face with you the terrible uncertainty of tomorrow:
of what will happen,
what might happen,
what could happen,
to me
and to my children
and to my friends,
to my job,
to my relationships,
to my country;
all that I cannot see, but fantasize,
that I would prevent, but cannot,
and so must accept as possibilities.

Facing the uncertainty, Lord,
grant me grace
to look at it directly and openly and truly,
to laugh at it with crazy faith
in the crazy promise
that nothing can separate me from  your love;
to laugh for the joy of it,
the joy of those saving surprises
that also stir in the darkness.
And, so, I trust,
despite the dark uncertainty of tomorrow,
in the light of my today's
in the cross,
in a kingdom coming,
and, so, I move on and pray on
with Jesus, my friend and redeemer.

"Guerrillas of Grace --Prayers for the Battle"
--Ted Loder