As Reality Sets In

"I can't picture her living anywhere else but neither can I imagine her not being close."

The tension in these words are the closest I can understand and articulate when it comes to how I feel about my girl living on the other side of the country.

Since she pulled up roots and left the province a little over two years ago, I have moved through various thought processes.  And even though I was aware that she was planning to stay after graduation, that reality is setting in.  In some ways it felt like she was gone on this long term vacation adventure.  There was always another semester around the corner and I think it teased me into feeling like this was somehow temporary.  But she just signed a one year lease November 1 and is currently tweaking and re-tweaking her resume so she can apply for a "big girl job" as she puts it. 

Three weeks from today she comes home for Christmas.  I can hardly wait until she's home and yet...I can.  Because being on this side of Christmas holds a wealth anticipation.  The other side speaks of goodbye which seems far too big for my Mama's heart to grasp.  

A couple of nights ago I was hit with a rushing panic about the miles between us.  A trying-to-catch-the-sucking-air from leaving my heart kind of panic.  

She's soooooooooo far away!  I can never just drive over to her home for the evening!  We can't go out shopping for an afternoon unless I get on a plane!!  Which I will do, but the extravagance of spontaneously hitting a mall together tomorrow is not a reality.  And I just don't know if I can do this "forever."  

For my girl, Vancouver is home...for now.  But even she can't imagine always having to get on a plane in order to see her family!  She has her own aching heart.  

How can life be like this!!??

So as reality sets in, for this Mama--

I will remember that so many other Mama's live with the same piece of their heart missing and mostly they are making it work.  

I will remember that "for now" does not mean forever and that really I am only to live a day at a time anyway.

And I will keep in that sacred place this deep sense of gratitude which is said so eloquently by Winnie the Pooh--"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."