As Reality Sets In

"I can't picture her living anywhere else but neither can I imagine her not being close."

The tension in these words are the closest I can understand and articulate when it comes to how I feel about my girl living on the other side of the country.

Since she pulled up roots and left the province a little over two years ago, I have moved through various thought processes.  And even though I was aware that she was planning to stay after graduation, that reality is setting in.  In some ways it felt like she was gone on this long term vacation adventure.  There was always another semester around the corner and I think it teased me into feeling like this was somehow temporary.  But she just signed a one year lease November 1 and is currently tweaking and re-tweaking her resume so she can apply for a "big girl job" as she puts it. 

Three weeks from today she comes home for Christmas.  I can hardly wait until she's home and yet...I can.  Because being on this side of Christmas holds a wealth anticipation.  The other side speaks of goodbye which seems far too big for my Mama's heart to grasp.  

A couple of nights ago I was hit with a rushing panic about the miles between us.  A trying-to-catch-the-sucking-air from leaving my heart kind of panic.  

She's soooooooooo far away!  I can never just drive over to her home for the evening!  We can't go out shopping for an afternoon unless I get on a plane!!  Which I will do, but the extravagance of spontaneously hitting a mall together tomorrow is not a reality.  And I just don't know if I can do this "forever."  

For my girl, Vancouver is home...for now.  But even she can't imagine always having to get on a plane in order to see her family!  She has her own aching heart.  

How can life be like this!!??

So as reality sets in, for this Mama--

I will remember that so many other Mama's live with the same piece of their heart missing and mostly they are making it work.  

I will remember that "for now" does not mean forever and that really I am only to live a day at a time anyway.

And I will keep in that sacred place this deep sense of gratitude which is said so eloquently by Winnie the Pooh--"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

 

Sisters

The "tomorrow" of October 10 has come and gone and I have been home with bags unpacked for over a week now.

My memories of this time away are still near to my thoughts which is a lovely  place for them to be I find.  In some ways they are effortless to recount and yet in other ways I feel as though more took place in those 7 days than I can fully put words to.

In a short and succinct way, I had an amazing time.  It was rich to be in the space my sister now calls home...to laugh and work and relax and shop and eat and walk and sleep and put faces to names of friends.  It was beautiful to do life together from sun up til sun down for a stretch of days.

I slept on a mattress covered with memories.  The quilt which warmed me at night was the same one which spread across our bed in our upstairs farmhouse bedroom.  A touch like this to my sleeping hours is something I can't put words to.  There's so much wrapped up in the threads of this covering.

The growing up years are for the early stages of discovering who we are as individuals and throughout our lives, we continue to unfold yet more and more.  It was interesting for both of us, now as adults, to interact with each other in ways that we have never previously done.

We worked well together with comfort and ease; a delightful thing to discover, and very helpful for sorting through boxes!!  There was never a time where I noticed an edge in either of us.  We seemed to glide smoothly through the days.  I suppose you could suggest that we were both on our best behavior, but I think it had more to do with each of us sharing similar patterns of living.

We both like to eat healthy which makes grocery shopping and meal preparation an enjoyable affair.

Neither of us have to have the best of everything which means perfection was not the goal of setting up her home.

My sister has a quiet, relaxed way about her, a serenity even, which I often lack.  I benefited greatly from following her lead in the pace of our days.  It's a way of living and being that I am endeavoring to have flow through my days.

We share a desire to be self aware and within that comes a natural way of expressing our thoughts and feelings.  We both, for varying reasons had moments of tears and could simply and honestly express what was behind the struggle sliding down our cheeks.  In turn, the other quietly listened without  a compulsion to ebb the flow or fix the problem.  I love this about us. 

As very young and impressionable girls we shared the tragic loss of our mother.  Our lives have been forever changed by this day in our history.  Each of us found ourselves in that ocean of grief in different times in our adult lives and over time opened the silence of our grief to one another.  That our pain bears a strong collective component is no surprise.  The embracing of our pain has in turn enabled us to embrace each other in a unique and intimate way.   There are not always words for moments.  We have lived these moments in shared silence.  I wonder if this isn't a part of the reason why I feel inept to capture and put into words our week together.  It was like there was a part of our being together as sisters which was sacred for us.  For sure it was for me.

So I won't force words where none should be.

Even what I have written feels unfinished, lacking...

I will hold this time near to my grateful heart and let this be enough.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow feels big.  Probably because it is.

Tomorrow feels a little scarey.  I suppose because any time we step out of our comfort zones we are faced with that sense of having lost our familiar foothold.

Tomorrow feels exciting.  Because it's the start of a week long adventure that looks like abundance in so many ways.

Tomorrow holds promise.  Anytime I step out with God He promises to walk with me and to work in and around me in rich and unique ways.

One of my sisters moved today and tomorrow morning I fly to her new home to help her unpack, settle and begin this next season of her life.  She's been nothing short of a warrior woman to get to this day and I feel honored to be able to take the paper off the many treasures in her mountain of boxes so she is able to set up her own nest.

The Airporter picks me up at 7 am for my 10:15 flight.  This is the second time in the last few years that I am flying alone which is no small feat for one who was "can't- move- can't- breathe-terrified-of-flying!!  So yes, this is out of my comfort zone, but I'm doing it!!!

The last time my sister and I had concentrated time like this together we were teenagers on our family farm.  I can't remember which one of us truly did hog the covers in the bed we shared, but I know we blamed the other endlessly.   Spending this coming week together, at times feels daunting and yet we are both believe that this is a gift of time that will be memorable.  And if in the midst of boxes and disorganization either of us need space, well...we are both more than capable of expressing what we need and graciously living that out.  We have both grown up at lot since cover hogging days!!!

Being away from home and managing life with diabetes is always a challenge for me on many levels.  It's so much easier to control blood sugars and maintain a consistent eating schedule and menu in the confines of my nest.  Stepping out of my environment is challenging and yet I know I would miss out on so much if I remained within my own familiar walls.

I am a homebody by far!!  haha  But four years ago God began to whisper in my ear that my stationary, "safe" life kept me from splashes of adventure.   And so here I am, with bags packed, ready for another one. 

Bedtime soon to rest my body and the butterflies:)

Morning Prayer

For a number of years now, as I have prepared to start the day, I have knelt by my bed, lifted my hands heavenward and prayed--

"You are God and I am not 
Lord Jesus Christ

I surrender to you today--

Ashley, Cam and Sonya, Brian and myself

We belong to You

Awaken us to You

I seek to entrust this day

into Your sovereign will and care..

to live open handed

and trust in the unfolding of Your will

In Jesus' name

Amen 

It's not lost on me the depth of these words

or the trust needed to allow God to be God 

in whatever way He may choose in the next 24 hours.

Yet I continue to lay my heart out through these words 

because in all the world

 there is no other place I find security

than in God alone.

 

Mountaintop Convocation

 

It was only 9 degrees and I was wrapped in blankets even with my jacket, but the mountainous landscape was breathtaking and my heart was warmed by the excitement of the moment.  Four years ago I hadn't envisioned my daughter's convocation being on the far side of the country with a mountain peak canvas.  But then I have an entire list of milestones and adventures and courageous leaps that were not a part of what I could see when she was accepted into university.

So much has unfolded since then.

So much that inspires me and surprises me and fills me with gratitude.

I had the honor of accompanying her through each station pre-ceremony. outfitting her for the event--degree, gown, hood and mortar board, all symbols of the blood, sweat and tears of accomplishment.  I looked on while seeking to take it all in--this outdoor celebration of the next generation--and my girl had wholly earned her place among the graduates.  When her name was read from the platform and she walked across the stage, she was just another face to the few thousand onlookers.  But for me!!?
Oh how vast is my knowledge and understanding of the journey this beautiful young woman has been on for 22 years.  How deep and strong she has become.  The battles she has fought, the wars she is still fighting, the stunning victories she has achieved are not lost on me for even a second.  I'm privy to her anxious spirit; the stronghold fear strives to have on her; yet she breaks free time and time again.  I lament and celebrate her overactive mind and wild imagination and her attempts at taming the negative side of both.  I marvel at her vivid creativity with words and the way they transport me to places of freedom and pain and hope and restlessness as I pour through the pages of her blog.  I'm challenged by her courage to investigate, question and chart her own path, independent of those around her or even the way in which we raised her.  I love how she is marking her own steps towards a faith that is her own and not just one passed down.  I still marvel at the crazy brave decision she made to move across the country and make strangers into friends, adapt to culture and risk missing everything and everyone she left behind.  I love the ways in which she has embraced so many different cultures and race through friendships and how she chooses to honor them and be a voice on their behalf.  I love that I can learn from this one whom I birthed.  What an honor.

On that cold, fresh morning in early June, I applauded the countless times she's pushed through illness, loneliness pain and confusion in order to walk across a platform hailed as a graduate.

Now she's referred to as alumni:)  She joins the hundreds who donned their gowns and caps that day to celebrate and close one chapter of their lives.  The future is largely unknown for her.  After a summer of home and traveling she'll return to her beloved mountains to find a place to live and a job to pay the bills.  And though there are parts of her that long for the future to be engraved in stone,  I am forever reminding her that having an uncharted road map is more than okay.  For now she's sinking her soul into life as it is unfolding and learning and growing more beautiful along the way.

Ashley...you make your Mama proud
love you to the moon and back

The Whirlwind

This is what the past 7 weeks have felt like.  A whirlwind!!!!!  And I don't think the wind will calm down for another week yet.  Sometimes, no matter how I plan to keep life quiet and calm, the air current picks up and threatens to whip me around within it.  At times I have been caught up in the storm and yet at other moments it is only swirling around me and not within. 

I can't count the number of times I have purposed to sit down and blog and yet my best intentions are lost somewhere in the unfolding of each day.

Seven weeks ago I sat in a crowded auditorium full of women hungry to hear God's voice.  The night was rich and powerful and spoke to my spirit in ways I had been eager for.  The 3 a.m. phone call the following morning began days filled with emotions all seeming to piggyback the other-- sadness and loss and celebration and accomplishment, stresses and surprises.  I think it is called life.  I also call it hard.

My sister-in-law succumbed to her brain cancer that early Saturday morning of June 3.  Two days later we flew across the country to celebrate our daughter's convocation from university and to help her pack up her belongings for storage for 3 months.  Rollercoaster emotions accompanied our days. A fiasco of sorts challenged our sanity as we needed to schedule our home flight for a day earlier to be part of the remembering and celebrating Debbie's life.  Being with family was needful and tiring.  Right on the heels of the funeral was a business  conference with a completely different environment and thankfully in the same city.  Home was a welcome place after being gone almost 2 weeks and I was exhausted.  Exhausted emotionally and psychically and ready for a much needed breathing space.   But so much of what should have transpired as uneventful continued to challenge me in so many ways.  As soon as this dust settled my tired girl came home to rest and enjoy family and friends and participate in a wedding before she flys across the ocean to spend six weeks with her bosom friend.  Thankfully I was wise enough to keep my calendar virtually clear so that I can be with her and be here for her.  The days have not been smooth for her for a long time but she and I have both noticed even more pronounced fatigue and emotional weariness.  She is in the care of a health care provider but there are not quick solutions to the longevity of what she is experiencing.  Cam and Sonya joined us for a belated Father's Day and Ashley's 22nd. birthday celebration.  I have learned something valuable since my kids have left home--the time that we spend together is never enough, but it is rich and filling and is a source of contentment for my Mama's heart still the same. Then just a few days ago we sold our cottage which has been for sale for four  years.  It's time but with no one even putting an offer on it for the past years to two very quick offers and the sale of it, it has actually come as a surprise. Our niece will be married this coming Saturday and it feels rather fitting to awaken on Sabbath morning and pack up the car to travel to our Eden and enjoy the last 6 days of ownership of what has been a haven for our family for 20 years.  A few days after our return I will hug my girl goodbye as she braves her way across the waters to the experience of a lifetime.  And I will pray alot!!

Perhaps then the wind will become a gently blowing breeze and I will be able to blog about Ashley's convocation, selling our cottage, and what God is doing in the deep places of my heart.

For now, I keep trying to steady myself in Him as the wind blows.

Turn Your Spirit Loose

A prayer by Ted Loder

For all who, like me, struggle daily with the edges of fear and live with wild imaginations of the good and the evil that could befall us, but who persistently and desperately continue to give ourselves to the steadfastness of Christ by the grace of Christ.

Turn Your Spirit Loose

O God, turn your Spirit loose now,
and me with it,
that I may go to where the edge is
to face with you the shape of my mortality:
the inescapable struggle and loneliness and pain
which remind me
that I am less than god after all,
that you have made me with hard limits,
limits to my strength,
my knowledge,
my days.

Facing those limits, Lord,
grant me grace
to live to the limit
of being unflinchingly alive,
irrepressibly alive,
fully alive,
of experiencing
every fragile,
miraculous,
bloody,
juicy,
aching,
beautiful ounce
of being a human being;
of doing my duty
and a little more;
of loving the people around me,
my friends and my enemies;
of humbling myself to take others seriously
and delightedly;
of applying my heart to the wisdom of simplicity,
the freedom of honesty.

O God, turn your Spirit loose here,
and me with it,
that I may go to where the silence is
to face with you the utter mystery
of questions without answers,
pain without balm,
sorrow without comfort,
and fears without relief,
which hound my days
and haunt my sleep.

Facing the mystery, Lord,
grant me grace
to wrestle with it
until I name the fears
and force them to set me free
to move on with whatever limp I'm left with;
to wrestle with it
until the pain teach me
and I befriend it,
until the silence subdues me
into an awareness that it is holy
and I am healed by it;
to wrestle with it
until I go deeper in it
to gratitude
for all the shapes of wholeness
and hope that bless me.

O God,
turn your Spirit loose now,
and me with it,
that I may go to where the darkness is
to face with you the terrible uncertainty of tomorrow:
of what will happen,
what might happen,
what could happen,
to me
and to my children
and to my friends,
to my job,
to my relationships,
to my country;
all that I cannot see, but fantasize,
that I would prevent, but cannot,
and so must accept as possibilities.

Facing the uncertainty, Lord,
grant me grace
to look at it directly and openly and truly,
to laugh at it with crazy faith
in the crazy promise
that nothing can separate me from  your love;
to laugh for the joy of it,
the joy of those saving surprises
that also stir in the darkness.
And, so, I trust,
despite the dark uncertainty of tomorrow,
in the light of my today's
in the cross,
in a kingdom coming,
and, so, I move on and pray on
with Jesus, my friend and redeemer.

"Guerrillas of Grace --Prayers for the Battle"
--Ted Loder

How Much It All Matters

"O persistent God,

let how much it all matters

pry me off of dead center

so if I am moved inside

to tears

or sighs

or screams

or smiles

or dreams,

they will be real

and I will be in touch with who I am

and who you are

and who my sisters and brothers are."

This last stanza of a prayer by Ted Loder in his book, "Guerillas of Grace--Prayers for the Battle" was a welcome affirmation of an action I took this past week.  Someone in my extended family is dying.  Though she may still have some months to live, the nature of her illness has already compromised her cognitive abilities.  It's been a slow and agonizing leaving of this world for some time now but the remaining time has been sped up by new information.

It's heavy on my heart...on Brian's heart...his family circle.  The "long goodbye" that cancer "affords" brings with it a world of suffering that we cannot begin to understand unless we have personally taken this journey.  We pray grace and strength into the lives of this tired family.

There is another matter which weighs heavy on my spirit.  God is not a part of this woman's life.  First, I cannot comprehend walking through any part of life, let alone heartache, without the presence of God to surround me, sustain me, and grace me with all that I need.  But further, the thought of facing eternity without the presence and hope of Jesus quite honestly cripples me with fear.  I am desperately in need of the hope of something tangible and secure in the life to come.  I NEED Jesus!

And oh how my heart wants this woman to spend her final days in the security of His presence with the hope of an eternity with Him.  She lives 6 hours from our home and at present, it is not good timing for this family to be receiving visitors.  Several days ago I created a card and penned a simple message of hope and an invitation to know God and welcome His presence into her life.  I mailed it this past Friday.  My spirit would not give me rest without taking action.  Eternity is in view!  We should live each day with eternity in view, but for most of us this is not what we do.  In these circumstances, I see it so clearly.  

So when I read the closing lines to this prayer...

"let how much it all matters pry me off of dead center

 so if I am moved inside..."

I said, "oh yes", in my spirit as my eyes traveled across the page. 
I sensed that I was in touch with my heart for those without God and  

in touch with the power of God and 

in touch with my "sister" bereft of God. 

I have no idea what her response will be.  She is free to say "no" to this invitation.

I have no knowledge of how much she will be able to even understand the message

Yet I know God's heart for her is persistent and the power of the Spirit to speak into her life is without limits.  

And so I pray for the orchestration of everything necessary to bring about an encounter between His Spirit and her own.  I pray that she will one day slip into eternity with His arms carrying her.

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Neither are your ways My ways, 'declares the LORD. 

'For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways,

And My thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain and the snow come down from the heaven,

And do not return there without watering the earth,

And making it bear and sprout,

And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;

So shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth;

It shall not return to Me empty,

Without accomplishing what I desire,

And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.'"

--Isaiah55:8-11

It's Time

When my Spiritual Director encouraged me to take some time to sequester my self and unpack and settle into our new home I was thankful and relieved for this "permission".  I was incredulous that it was actually legitimate to even do this and yet I felt it was so very important for my spirit.  She assured me that I would know when that time was complete.  For someone who lives by clocks and calendars this seemed unsettling.  What if I didn't know when this time had accomplished it's work?  What if I was never ready to engage with the world around me?

Surprise!!  I knew!!

In some ways the one season has gradually and effortlessly moved into the next.  And yet in other ways it's fresh and surprisingly new and exciting.  Part of me doesn't even feel as though the peaceful, sequestered time is behind me because the freshness of what now is still holds so much quiet and delight and contentedness   And if I had never taken the time to allow my spirit to shhh and settle, I wouldn't have been aware of the slow movement of the Spirit to hone my ministry and in some ways redirect it.

I find immense delight in my new home.  I continue to marvel and still repeat this mantra, "I can't believe we get to live here!!!"  At times the intensity of emotion is overwhelming.  I am sooooooooo happy and cannot stop basking in the goodness of this incredible gift.

It's time now to share this gift with others.  On Saturday I opened our home and hosted a bridal shower for my niece.  I can't tell you what joy I had in preparing my home for this occasion.  Sheer delight.  This afternoon my in laws are coming for tea.  I am already dreaming of preparing my table with scones and tea for these two beautiful people.  Wednesday evening the women from the small group that I'm a part of will bring their potluck dishes and dine at our table for our end of season celebration.  I will lovingly set my table with linen napkins and good china along with a spread of candles. 

It's time to give others a brief respite from the cares of life and enjoy the beauty and quiet nature of this gift of a home.  My challenge is going to be ensuring that my capacity is not overrun by my desire!!  I must remember that I don't have to invite everyone over within the coming month!!  haha

The kitchen here is a dream.  My previous kitchen of 23 plus years was a challenge in functionality, particularly to other people, but for me, it was all that I knew.  But now!!  Oh my!!  It's sheer delight to work in a functional environment.  I am having the time of my life cooking and baking in this new space.  This too contributes to the joy of not only opening my home but taking a little bit of my home to others in need.  A family from our church is in the midst of some very challenging health crisis.  What a delight to lovingly prepare a meal in tranquility of this new home and deliver to someone who desperately needs nourishment for body and soul.

For years now I have relished in the joy of creating cards and even managed to set up my own Card Studio in our previous home.  I have been abundantly blessed to be able to do the same here.  I am thoroughly enjoying this new area for creativity (along with a internet program which has untold helps for beautifying cards!!)  Who knew??!!!!!

If you find that words such as joy and delight and basking and gift and gratitude are overly repeated, I make no apologies.  I can't believe God has given all "this" for us to steward for a time!  What astounds me is how contented and filled I am--how life giving it is for me to serve others in these ways in this in this new home.  It's like nothing I have ever experienced!

It's time.

Ahhhh..

"Here I am Lord, use me."

D-Day

It's the feeling that comes over me now and then as I have approached April 24.  This sense of D-Day all over again--an invasion into my psyche regardless of how many years have passed.  This year it hasn't settled over me like a dark cloud for which I am grateful.  There are moments it is strong and invasive but most often is is just there--a lingering awareness just over my shoulder.   Tomorrow will mark 47 years since my mother was taken from my side and I was left with this invasion from the world of horror and confusion, grief and loss.  This year, unlike past years, has not bombarded me with questions or thoughts that I am bordering on neurotic for still being affected and saddened by her absence.  Another gift for me.  This year I remind myself of the intricacies surrounding my mother's death and my subsequent grief journey. In this way I have been able to normalize how her loss has impacted me.  Being five and having my Mama suddenly and violently disappear from my life was traumatic, plunging me into years of silence, denial, confusion and anger.  The sleeping giant of grief does that and as it awakens it summons pockets and layers of unresolved grief.  This is normalcy for me.  That years upon years lie in the wake does not matter to dormant emotions.  And so whether I am overcome with a new or old memory or if the day passes quietly I am okay and I will be okay.  Whatever unfolds will be.  This is a peaceful way to be right now.

April has always infiltrated me with mixed emotions.  I love spring!  The yawning earth opens her sleepy eyes and begins to come to life with her budding arrays of green springing forth everywhere.  But it's always contrasted with this dark day of remembering the death of a life so pivotal to mine.  And so when I turned the calendar page from March to April with a yearning for newness in the world around me, April 24 was weaving her painful memory in and through all the other preceding days.  This too is my normal.  So I have tried to listen to my spirit on any given day and let the clouds roll in or the to sun to break forth. 

This spring has opened a new window into the nuances of the month of April as I unpack and seek a new home for the treasured possessions which were my mothers.  I am not rushing this settling in for myself or these memory pieces.  I acknowledge the reality that she is not here for this new stage in my life and leave it at that.  This seems enough, at least today.   As the weeks have unfolded I have realized the many different ways in which God is teaching me to live unhurried.  Herein is another aspect whereby not everything needs to be placed immediately.  Decisions can be made methodically and reflectively.  There can be unknowing in these days of settling.  Did I just say this??
It's not how I normally live out my days which lends to my own understanding of why my winding path of grief has been such an affront for me.  There has been no flow or rhyme or reason to the nature of the path I have been on for 47 years.  How difficult it has been to navigate the rocky terrain when I am bent only on a smooth, unhindered road. But I am learning. With just hours from the dawning of a new day, of D-Day I am at rest..quiet.  I don't know how tomorrow will unfold.  I pray that I will receive it with open hands and trust that the presence of God will enfold me.  That is all I ask for.    

40 Days--A Sequestered Time

It will be two weeks tomorrow that all of our earthly possessions were loaded on a truck, leaving an empty house behind.  The majority of boxes are now unpacked in our new living space and within these four walls there is the breath of "home" which covers me in soothing and refreshing ways.
The walls remain bare to a large extent but this will change throughout the coming weeks. The guest room which will be home for our adult children when they stay overnight has yet to be tackled.  It is the catch all center for empty boxes and  all that has been collected during my second purge.  It too is on my list to transform this week.

Since it has been 23 1/2 years since we last moved, I had very little recollection of the grandiose proportions of what a move entailed.  As the days have unfolded I am realizing that unpacking and settling are two very different things.  Emptying boxes was and is a joy in and of itself.  It was like Christmas with each tearing off of the tape and unwrapping of items.  It has been a time of wonderful delight!  Finding just the right place of everything has been equally enjoyable...life-giving really.  At times I can't sleep as my mind decorates room after room in the wee hours of the morning.  I'm tired!!  haha

Another side of moving has been the myriad of thoughts and emotions circulating within.  I continue to walk through this home, while my spirit wells up with deep gratitude: "I can't believe we get to live here!!"  This is such a beautiful gift of a home and I am enthralled with all that has been given to us. I truly am basking in it!

During that first week I sensed that it was important to sequester myself and plunge into unpacking and organizing and creating a new home.  I continued in this vein last week but soon began to feel that "pull" from the outside world that I "should" reengage with the rest of life.  I realized that there were actually aspects of reengagment that  I was dreading and I shared this with my Spiritual Director.  I acknowledged not only the inner sense I had that this move was a "starting over" time for me, but also the desire, somewhat naive I recognize, in which I hoped that in this new environment I could and would actually interact with life in new and fresh and stronger ways.  She reminded me that a move in and of itself is drastic.  It's an upheaval in every way.  But me, myself and I...am the same woman who locked the door behind me at our former home and the same one who unlocked the door of this new home.  I knew that, but I secretly longed to experience my own metamorphosis.  I wanted to shed some of the clutter from within, just as I had decluttered our house.  I had been living with an ongoing sense of feeling "trapped" by perceived or known expectations by people/life/circumstances.  It is much easier to physically remove the unneeded furniture and pack up the decor which takes up too much space in an effort to create a more peaceful setting in a home, than it is to let go of some of the chaos within which threatens to take over me.

My Spiritual Director encouraged me to continue to sequester myself and perhaps set a time of 40 days.  Forty days is often a significant period of time in the Bible.  I have just finished 40 days of Lent which I expressed in a previous post, was a strange and awkward season this year.  Now it seems necessary to set aside forty days to settle, to reflect, to enjoy the  incredible gift of this new home, to actually create a type of neutral zone whereby I have time to grow into some of the stronger, more wholesome patterns of living I desire to have.  She suggested my "40" days may end up being less or they may require more, but that this would be made clear to me as I go. 

I have found the last several days quite difficult.  Perhaps I will be misunderstood when I express this, but  I have very much craved aloneness.   Three Easter Celebrations with family and church family were rich and meaningful but I have missed this much needed sequestered time.  My spirit requires this stretch of days. I am convinced of this.  Sue Monk Kidd writes a great deal about waiting in her book, "When the Heart Waits--Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions".  Early in the pages of her book she pens,

"When you're waiting, you're not doing nothing.  You're doing the most important something there is.  You're allowing your soul to grow up.  If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what God created you to be."  

 Later she goes on to reveal, 

"The spiritual journey is one of becoming real.  Waiting can offer us the gift of authenticity.  It can help us give birth to a new way of being true to ourselves.  As we wait, we discover that it's okay--really okay--not only to imagine who we truly are inside but to say who we are, welcome who we are, and even be who we are."

These will not be easy days for me despite the knowing of how much my spirit needs them.  It is always stretching for me to take time for myself, to go against the norm, to risk disappointing or being misunderstood by people.  It will require a mind and soul focused on the One who seems to have led me here.  It will demand courage to respond to any questions from those looking in as well as responding to the voices in my head which tell me I am lazy and selfish.  It will require patience and perseverance in the waiting and discernment to know when the days are completed whether they be an actual 40 days or not.  At times it will require flexibility when life asks of me that which holds a value that cannot be dismissed.  And it will require an open and waiting heart to receive all that God desires to remove and His plans to create something new.

And so for a season I will continue to quiet my days and stay with God in this time of simplicity and beauty and settling and the creating of the new.