Advent

It is here!

The season of waiting, reflection, anticipation--

Advent

My soul is on tiptoes, eagerly awaiting His arrival

Abba Father...Daddy...

raise me up upon Your shoulders

that nothing obscures my vision

of the coming Christ.

His Plan

"...I offer all I am,

for the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.

Help me be

Help me."

--Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)

Chris Eaton/Amy Grant

We can only surmise the journey Mary's heart was on

as the reality of her interrupted life took hold.

It couldn't have been easy,

yet there's no indication from scripture

that she complained, protested or in any way desired to shirk God's ask of her.

But rather...

pondering, praising, surrendering,

and offering herself

"for the mercy of His plan."

I fall far short of a like comparison,

yet I too have faced my own life- interruptions--

forever changing the landscape

I had planned.

And yes,

much pondering, praising and surrendering

was going on in my heart

But an equal, if not more amount of

questions, despair, confusion, even anger

was woven throughout.

My own heart's journey

was not the nice and tidy portrayal

that was Mary's.

God, in His mercy

chooses each of us

for a plan beyond our comprehension.

Our willingness to lay ourselves on the altar of surrender is key.

I continue to grow in my own understanding of "the mercy of His plan",

to acknowledge His sovereign ways,

and His perfect love for me.

 

How has God interrupted your life?

How is He interrupting it...

even today?

"...I offer all I am,

for the mercy of Your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be

Help me."

"There is hardly anyone in the civilized world--

particularly those who do just a little more every day

than they really have strength to perform--

who has not at some time

regarded bed as a refuge."

--J.E. Buckrose (1923)

Is is just me?

Am I the only one who gets caught in this trap?

Each day

trying to do a little more than I have

"strength to perform".

I'm in the process of endeavoring to reel myself

back in again

It's always so subtle--

how it entangles me so

Just one more errand

or two

Another email, text message, card

The Christmas season always tugs extra hard

at my heartstrings

So much pain in the lives of dear people

and I long to just reach out

with a comforting hand

even for a moment

But my own limited self

is quickly reminded--

I'm unable to alleviate the suffering of so many

And so I sit in the quiet

with God

who centers me again

and sends His Spirit through a friend

to share the wise words of 

Henri Nouwen--

"It is Jesus who heals,

not I."

Then--

Grace

Grace to cover all of my striving and
struggle and
discouragement

Grace to cover the hurt of so many

Pure

everflowing

grace  

Preparing Him Room

Preparation began a month ago

Such a grace from God this was--

 my soul needed--

yes needed

 some extensive purging 

so that I had room

for the Christ

this Christmas

I so yearned to move through

 Christmas

with a heart that was free

to wait for and anticipate His coming 

Not cluttered 

with so much "other"

or pressured

with too much "doing"

But 

aware

and

focused

and

wise

and

centered 

on 

the One who is coming

His coming is to set us free!!

He has already begun.

Beautiful

“"Ye may yourself ebb and flow,

rise and fall,

wax and wane;

but your Lord is this day as he was yesterday;

and it is your comfort that your salvation

is not rolled upon wheels of your own making,

neither have ye to do with a Christ of your own shaping."

--Samuel Rutherford 

Overwhelmed

Elohim

God my Creator

Master Designer

of every intricate part of my being

Perfect in forming

 the very essence of who I am

and 

who I'm not

And yet I

lament

and 

complain

and

wish

and

want

a different me

a 

me without defects

and

 limitations

and

disabilities

because I fail to remember

and 

believe

and

trust

You, my Creator's Words--

"and it was very good"

El Elyon

God most High

Sovereign over all

over life

and

death

and

health

and 

sickness

and 

governments

and nations

Sovereign over all

And yet I

doubt

and

question

and 

blame

and

wonder

"WHAT...

in the name of God 

are You doing"??!!

because I 

am so earthly minded

and

self-focused

and 

faithless

in

You,

God Most High

Sovereign over all 

"Elohim, my Creator, Perfect Designer...

I'm overwhelmed

with 

You --

Bring me to that place of contentment

in who I am...

El Elyon, my God Most High, Sovereign over all...

I'm overwhelmed,

overwhelmed 

with

You

Lead me to that place of contentment

amidst all of the circumstances of life."

Rant

It"s been simmering under the surface for a time

Last night it erupted

At first it was just this overwhelming anxiety

about Christmas

and my "list".

And I started asking--

"What if I DON"T make Christmas cards this year?"

"What if I downsize decorating?"

"What if I forgo the 'extra' gifting?"

"How about gift cards for all except my family?"

etc,etc.

But it didn't stop there...

Within minutes I was heaving sobs

as one after another

of life's responsibilities struck me

with intensity

Working out at the gym,

daily exercise to strengthen my lower back,

my neverending healthy eating regimen,

laundry and meals and cleaning and errands

and just getting out of bed every morning

to do the same thing

over

and 

over

and

over

again

I've decided I want a holiday from being a grown-up!!!!!

Adding to this spewing of emotion

was all of the areas of 

remembering

and 

giving

and 

encouraging

and caring

which are most often

life-giving for me

but perhaps not today...

or 

maybe even tomorrow

I'm feeling very much like the writer Solomon

in Ecclesiastes 

as he talks about

the futility of labor...

the futility of life!!

My spirit is being drawn to Chapter 3

where he talks about

"a time for everything".

And I'm wondering if I'm moving into a new season

for a time--

Instead of planting, is it a time to uproot what is planted? 

Is it a time to throw away instead of keep?

A time to tear apart, and not sew together? 

I'm wondering....

But there is one thing I'm not wondering...

"It is well...with me"

 

 

"What shall I render to the Lord

for all of His benefits to me?"

--Psalm 116:12

Broken

Today

I am broken

I know...we are a broken people

and every day we touch the edges of our brokenness in some capacity

But today

I 

feel

broken

All of me

Body, soul, spirit

I got caught again

in the cycle 

I nursed  discontent with my limitations

and  overextended myself

I pressed in strong and "savior-like" to encourage and support

the hurting

but

didn't trust enough

in God...

the only Savior's 

all encompassing care

I failed to rest when I was tired--

there was always more to do

My ear was deaf to His invitation 

and instead listened to voices inside my head--

ones which shouted of the perceived expectations of others

But

It is a grace from God

that once again

I hear His voice of truth

and

partake of His forgiveness

and 

rest in His mercy

Kara Tippets 

a cancer fighter 

speaks these words--

"I see my biggest strength

as my weakness and my neediness

and I wake up everyday

and 

I 

need 

Jesus"

Her words grabbed my attention yesterday

for several reasons--

I don't like my weakness, my neediness!

I don't like this broken way of living that I continue to succumb to!

I long to live free!

But my weakness drives me to Jesus

and reminds me how small I am

and how desperately I need Him!

Just like Paul with his thorn in the flesh

I would rather my thorn be taken away--

yet this does not seem to be God's way

He would rather my thorn 

keep me on my knees

dependent

only on Him 

I am broken

every day

but today it seeps through all of the cracks of my being

I lift my neediness up to God

and invite Him to

quiet my soul

Adventure

Thoughts kept inside

lie quiet and safe

Speaking them aloud 

brings them

to life

Speaking them aloud

to Ingrid

my Spiritual Director

makes them 

"dangerous" 

I say this tongue in cheek

because Ingrid is 

so very gentle and gracious

but

there is something very powerful

about giving voice to things of my heart
of inviting someone into that place
to speak words of wisdom and direction

I shared with Ingrid yesterday of a realization

I came to last year

during my trip to New York City

In the midst of the richness of

our time in Winnipeg this summer

this realization became that much stronger

"I've been missing out on adventure"

This paralyzing fear of flying I have had for 20 plus years
has kept me grounded
and
"I've been missing out on adventure"

Last year that began to change
when God seemed to say--

"It's time" 

The stranglehold of fear
was gone
enough to at least step on a plane 
and so here I am
aware that I have missed out on so much adventure

Do I regret this?
Not in a crippling kind of way
I can't erase the past
That often used phrase--
"it is what it is"
resonates with me

Paul chose to forget what was in the past
and to reach for what lay ahead
to press on to the goal
for the prize
of the call of Jesus on his life
Philippians 3:13,14


That was essentially Ingrid's challenge for me--
to intentionally pray this prayer--

"What adventure would You have for me
that I would never consider?"

This is my "pressing on" prayer

This is my heartfelt invitation for Jesus
to lead me
into an adventure only He
would design


Driving away from Ingrid's home
this song began playing on the radio
It became my anthem of thanksgiving
for the beautiful ways in which
His love so purposefully comes to find me
It was my song of surrender--
the offering of my life
as praise to Him


"Multiplied"

"Your love is like radiant diamonds
Bursting inside us we cannot contain
Your love will surely come find us
Like blazing wild fires singing Your name

God of mercy sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Hallelujahs be multiplied 
Need to Breathe

Welcome Fall

Welcome dear fall

you glow with the harvest of spring's planting

you let me linger a little longer

in summer's heat

yet link me to winter's edge

with a sweater on my shoulders

I feast on earth's bounty

experience the fresh breath of beginnings

indulge in the blazing colors of autumn's landscape

You are a cherished season

until I slip into the next

for all of you--

spring, summer, fall and winter

capture a beauty all your own

Today it's you

dear autumn

I welcome you

Saturate me with your goodness

as I dance with gratitude

in your splendor