Untitled

It was a week ago this evening that my husband and I

went to an AA meeting

to celebrate a friend's

10th year of Sobriety.

Now I'm no stranger to AA since my 

hubby is a recovered alcoholic.

So over the course of our marriage 

I have been to many meetings

and always

without fail

two things happen:

I feel at home when I am there

and I return home feeling

hugely inspired.

This particular time I have had a lingering thought:

"I should be a part of of AA...

I should be at these meetings...

weekly."

Before someone wonders if I've taken up drinking,

I haven't:)

But I share the same fundamental inner soul struggles 

that recovering alcoholics do--

they just lead me to make different choices

which develop into my own set of problems.

The first step of AA is

an admission that we are powerless over alcohol

that our lives have become unmanageable.

The only change I need to make in that step is the word alcohol.

All I need to do is insert my own word 

or words.

I haven't written in here for awhile

because I haven't known what to write.

There is a sense that my life has become unmanageable

again

and that in and of itself

specifically the "again" part

I find discouraging.

And so I'm left with questions--

How has this happened...again?

Why does this continue to be my story?

What am I going to do about it?

Beginning to answer those questions has been

part of my quest this week.

A quest which has led me to the place I always run to

when life becomes unmanageable.

 God and His Word.

A beloved scripture of mine is key

and this particular translation has spoken to me.

"Come to Me

and I will give you rest--

all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke.

Wear my yoke--

for it fits perfectly--

and let me teach you;

for I am gentle and humble,

and you shall find rest for your souls;

for I give you only light burdens."

--Matthew 11:28-30  LB

I know

beyond a shadow of a doubt

that the simple answer 

is coming to Jesus.

 I am doing that

and will continue to.

But how I understand these words of Jesus

and put them into practice has always been

illusive for me.

Looking into the "how" and "why" and

"what am I going to do about it"

is now part of my search.

Coming to a place of beginning to articulate the above

has been good for me

as it moves me out of the

"I am such a loser"

into

"I am moving towards something better"

I know God has good things planned

 

Prayer

I think if we are all honest

we have at least one or two

relentless prayers

that are taking far too long to be answered

with a "yes".

The waiting stretches into one tomorrow after another.

It's a soul-kind-of-laborious waiting...

 discouraging.

But I keep praying.

Sometimes I pray boldly,

with great anticipation

for what I am convinced one day

my eyes will behold.

Sometimes I pray desperately...

"Oh God...please...I beg you..."

And sometimes

like last evening

I pray humbly

for I am aware once again

of the vast chasm between

my ways

and His ways

my thoughts

and His thoughts

Janet Thompson was reminded of this in 

Tiegreen's, "One Year Walk with God" devotional.  

It was a discussion of Isaiah 50:2

"Was my arm too short to ransom you?

Do I lack the strength to rescue you?"

"The comment was, 'If you've ever maintained hope

when problems were solvable and then given up hope

when they are not, 

you have forgotten the God of the impossible.

Your situation does not scare Him.

He is not desperately trying to figure it out.

He takes great pleasure in bursting into an impossible situation

with an answer no one had ever thought of...

He looks for faith so that when He bursts in,

He will be recognized.

It must be genuine faith, 

persistent faith,

 and bold faith."

I want to have that kind of faith

the kind the recognizes Him

when He bursts in!

"Pray in the Spirit 

at all times

and on every occasion.

Stay alert

and be persistent in your prayers."

--Ephesians 6:18 NLT 

 

"What I miss...or not so much"

It's been a week now

since we dropped our girl off at University.

It's been a good week...

a -feeling-things-out-week

a growing sense of

what I miss or don't miss

kind of week.

I don't miss...

hair in the shower

hair in the sink

hair in the laundry

you get the picture:)

I don't miss

the vast amount of drama housed in this girl's tiny frame

knowing "too much information"

untold glasses in the sink(because she uses a new one every time she takes a drink of water!!!

--the stack of dirty dishes from her bedroom

For sure there is

less laundry

less dishes to wash

less cleaning

All of which are lovely if I'm honest

But all of this does point to this new normal

my girl is gone

at least for now

But I do miss

the sound of her voice

that beautiful smile

and the swish of her gorgeous mane of auburn hair

I miss

her unique sense of humor

and the dramatic inflections in her voice

I miss giving her kisses on her head throughout the day

I miss praying with her before bed

and singing "our song" every night

(yes, still at 18)

But the season we're both in is good and right 

for both of us

She's done a lot of growing up

in one week!!!

And I am gratefully proud

 

She relied on me for a great deal of emotional support

and I was quick and ready to provide

And I don't regret this for a moment

Did I do too much for her in the practical aspects of living?

Yep!

It was just sort of the "arrangement" that unfolded

"My Mama will do it, so why should I?"

 

And so a new season has come

 a  time for her to step out

and me to step back

Two years ago I learned how to text

and now...

what a gift!

I know enough of the day to day happenings

to keep me connected

mostly contented

and always praying

I love my girl

"to the moon and back"

To Everything...A Season

"There is an appointed time for everything.

And there is a time for every event under heaven--

A time to plant,

and a time to uproot what is planted."

--Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2b

I am a gardener at heart, 

not only when it comes to the soil of the earth

and the brilliant hues of flowers,

but also

and even more so,

a gardener of my children.

For 18 years I have been planting

in the life of my daughter.

My gift to Ashley:)

Deliberately, carefully, lovingly

planting within her

all that I believe she will need

to live her life to the full.

As parents we know that 

we plant in order to "uproot what is planted"

but somehow we still find ourselves asking,

"How did we get here...soooo fast?"

And while the planting gives an impression of

gentleness and nurturing,

uprooting

tends to evoke an image of...well,

a somewhat violent act.

                   

The "My Dysfunctions" journal was her request!!

This past week seems to have been a tug of war between the planting and uprooting.  One minute I was still endeavoring to plant...just one more important thought/truth, etc. And the next minute she seemed to be uprooting herself.

Frequently she has voiced a one-word reflection of her desire to be uprooted.  It's the joyous inflection in her voice and dance of her eyes and width of her smile that add to this one-word...
"Goodbyyyyyyeeeeee!!!!!"

Sometimes it made me laugh and sometimes it hurt...not a lot, but enough.

Just because there is a season for everything

doesn't make it simple

or pain free

It just makes it "normal".

On Friday we spent the morning moving her and her roomie's belongings

 

Cam and Sonya joined us in unpacking the van and 

moving everything into her room:)

So nice to have them share this with us.

I am so grateful to know that they will be

there for her to assist her in navigating

university life.

Saturday was the "uprooting"

in all it's moments of excitement, tension and energy.

 She's ready.

And truthfully,

I feel ready too.

But that doesn't mean that the process is smooth

for either of us.

It will be an adjustment for her in huge ways!!!!

I know that because I've lived the season she is entering.

And for me?

This has familiarity in some fashion because Cam uprooted two years ago.

But I was still planting in the life of Ashley then.

Now my gardening role is changing

drastically.

The coming days, weeks and months will be a time of unfolding for me.

I'm not even trying to imagine all that this means;

It is my desire that I am able to "let it be" 

more than seeking to manage it.

What I know today is--

1.  I'm tired and the quiet and rest is welcome:)

2.  She's already texted me with..."you'll be happy to know I'm still alive!!!"

And I am of course very happy about that!!!!

3.  I have a wonderful husband with whom I am anticipating

journeying together

in this empty nest season

4.  God appointed this season; therefore

I can rest in His care,

His guidance

and His sure and ever-present love.

A Season Ending

And so we bid farewell to Eden for the summer season):  This will be our first year that we have not taken to escape back to this haven on Labor Day Weekend.

Moving Ashley into residence at University has taken precedence!!  I'm sure I will write more about this transition in the coming weeks:)

What a welcomed, restful week it was.  A gift that I had not expected.  I love my daughter and niece to pieces, but I had thought that this lively duo would not afford us much in the way of relaxing.   And yes, we did have our times of taking them tubing--such fun.  And yes, they were completely spun at times with their antics.  But they were a joy to be with.  Hanging out with us was not the focus of their wknd. anyway!! ha,ha

Rach went home Monday at dinnertime which left a threesome for the remainder of the week.

Quiet, leisurely and enjoyable was the theme for our last few days.  I think Ashley and I had a nap almost every afternoon while Brian played guitar, read, or practiced his golf swing:)
We always feast--this time in particular...corn on the cob every night and fresh peaches.  Mmmmm.

Traditionally we make a trek to Eden for Thanksgiving, but that remains to be determined.  By then "our three" will be well into the university workload and midterms so we will have to see how our plans unfold.

With gratitude we close a chapter on summer living at the cottage.

Two peas in a pod:)

Rachel's tubing injury

Slalom skier extraordinaire!!!  (Rach)

Farewell until next time

The Returning

Just days away from

slower mornings

leisurely afternoons

quiet evenings

endless reading of

biographies, magazines, God's Word

journaling

praying

sleeping

feasting

talking

laughing

togetherness

A returning to Eden's tranquility

"Praise the LORD from the earth,

you sea monsters and all deeps,

fire and hail, 

snow and frost,

stormy wind in its rush;

mountains and all hills,

fruit trees and all cedars,

wild animals and tame,

creeping creatures and soaring birds!"

--Psalm 148:7-10


"Oh the sheer delight of spanning the horizon
with a palette of color

Sometimes soft, pale peachy pinks at dusk...
a way to speak gentleness to the earth's inhabitants

Or hues of periwinkle blue and soft lavender
to touch some lonely soul

Other times
   a canon of brilliant orange, red and yellow is set off
and collides in the heavens
to dazzle even the most cynical

For one cannot escape
the tantalizing display of 
a mesmerizing sunset

Splashing praise with a brush 
in the Master Creator's hand"
 

 "I will say to my soul,

'Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years.

Relax, eat, drink, be merry."

--Luke 12:19

"I will say to my soul,

'Soul, your abundance is in Jesus.

All the peace, security, contentment and joy you need

flows from Him.

Not only did He come to give of His abundance

freely--

He is the abundant One!

The abundant life

is a Person!

Oh my soul

rest in Him

draw from Him

He is your 

unstoppable

 Abundance!'"

It has been a number of weeks 

since I have written a prayer from Rachel Hackenberg's "prayer prompt"

as summer and cottage life has interrupted rhythms of life. 

 But this one jumped out at me and was written effortlessly 

It is what the Abundant One has been speaking to my soul about--

His abundance.

And what He has made me aware of again--

that I so rarely live out of His abundance.

Sigh.

How delightful it has been for Him

 to have awakened within me

the beauty and constancy and strength

of His abundance.

I so long to live here.

Still

Still

enough to hear the leaves

rustle with the wind

the birds sing their endless

collage of melodies

Still

enough to gaze on a

candle's flickering dance

the patchwork colors of blankets

keeping me warm

Still

enough to be quiet in His presence

listening, waiting, wondering

the Mystery

Thankful wave upon wave-crashing gratitude

for blessings 

and goodness

and heaping bounty

Still

July 21/13

Still 

is what marked our first five days at Eden last week.

After that the cottage grew in population by 3 lovely teenage ladies:)

I have been basking in the stillness of just Brian and I

at the cottage

but I also delight in my daughter's arrival with friends in tow

It does change everything though

And now that we are home again--

and I love being home

I have to choose stillness

in my soul

in my mind

because "life" is 

sometimes busy, sometimes complicated, sometimes stress-laden

 I don't like it when I wear the effects of all of the above

I don't like that adding people to the cottage

changes my insides

or that the ups and downs of life at times churn my inner being

Why can't I just be still?

A "New" Eden

If this picture depicts serenity, peace, stillness, quiet, 

then you have been able to "see" some of our time spent at Eden last week.

Yes, Brian and I had 5 days alone last summer,

but I was sick the entire time,

so being able to actually taste Eden without kids

did not fully happen

until just a few days ago.

And it was beautiful.

Just beautiful.

This is the stage we are moving into...

the empty nest.

And while there is most certainly a 

bittersweet taste to this upcoming season,

there is so much that is rich and filling to my spirit.

In a few days we return

just the two of us

It's like a "new" Eden.

Happy 1st Anniversary...Cam and Sonya!!!

July 14, 2012