Brokenness

"To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul."

Psalm 25:1

 

This has been my posture as of late. 

 

I continue to lift up my soul to Him that He might nourish and teach and comfort and hold. 

Yes, hold... in His gentle, strong hands.

 

I don't ask as often anymore why these seasons come upon me.  Why light-hearted days turn to days fraught with emotional pain and confusion and struggle.  The answer always eludes me. 

 

What I do know is that these past weeks are more about seeking Him.

Sometimes for guidance, for wisdom....help.

Mostly it is a longing just to "be" as I am with Him.

 

Often, I find no respite from my turmoil.

Still I seek.

And I believe.

Believe He is there even though He seems absent.

 

There is always a place in my soul that grows in these seasons of trial.

The strands of struggle weave a course from sun-up to sundown.

 

Brokenness is the fabric being woven this season.

Strength through brokenness

Beauty in brokenness

God in my brokenness

 

I keep listening...

growing...

 

That is enough

 

 

 



Roadside Treasure and other Generous Gifts

I drove past the pile initially. 

I was on my way to the gym, and it was 7:30 in the morning and I wasn't up to slugging.  But I had perked up a bit by the time I was ready to head home and so decided to make the trek back to the "pile".

Someone must have trimmed their evergreen tree the day before and had left several mounds of branches at the side of the road.  Do you have any idea what a gold mine this is to someone who enjoys outdoor Christmas Decor??!!!!

FREE LIVE GREENS!!!! 

I must admit that there is something incredibly awkward about pulling into a stranger's driveway, opening up the back of my van, and dragging branches from their lawn to my vehicle... with a steady stream of traffic driving by to boot.  But regardless of my "discomfort" I could not pass up such a money saving opportunity! 

Ten minutes later, the back of the van was piled high to the roof and I was patting myself on the back for my extravagant find. 

Herein lies the other generous gift.

I had, as I mentioned stacked branches to the point where my rear window was blocked.  Ah yes...a not-so-wise-move, but gosh, what else could I do!!! 

I waited patiently for sufficient traffic to clear before I backed out on to the street with a fair amount of gas.  And just at the last second, I saw it.  A parked car just inches from my back bumper.  I slammed on the brake watching the boughs shift to clear a part of the window.

And with my heart pounding in my chest, I continued down the street extremely grateful for this very generous gift of avoiding one very expensive stop for FREE live greens.

Prayer Changes Lives

I will be the first to humbly acknowledge my limited understanding of prayer and how, when and why God weaves His purposes as He does through our prayers.  But I will equally and confidently acknowledge that I believe prayer to be a powerful "force" in our lives and that all of its mystery is firmly held in the hands of a sovereign God.

I have grown in both the humility and confidence I harbor in prayer. 

 Each Christmas I am reminded of the longevity and beauty of prayer and this year this has been heightened.

It was about six years ago that I received an unexpected gift at my back door.  It was the Christmas season, but one that held very little joy for my spirit.  The depth of my depression had all but overtaken me and "the most wonderful time of  the year" eluded my entire being.

What I pulled out of the box was a very large glass bowl FILLED with Christmas balls.  The card revealed that these balls were prayers...for me.  My dear friend had been praying and had chosen to tangibly and creatively mark her prayers by putting a ball into the bowl with each breath of her words.  What filled the bowl were her prayers on my behalf.

Each year I come up with new ways of displaying this gift of prayer.

This year...the magnitude of my friend's prayers is touching me anew

.

I can see more clearly today, what was such a nightmarish mystery six years ago.

I still have no understanding of what I perceived as the silence of God.

I cannot explain why suffering gripped me for so long.

I fail to find words to reason the high and holy purposes of a compassionate God.

But I have come to know and trust in the perfect character of my God.

My faith has expanded to allow for the marriage of His mercy and holiness.

My spirit can acknowledge that God's ways are not mine...and I surrender.

And my clearer vision can recognize a path of pain that has led me to a

richer, deeper life of being and ministry.

"Unanswered prayer breaks us, seasons us, and refines us so that, in the end,

we attain greater spiritual depth and greater spiritual power."

--Jerry Sittser

"When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer"

Unanswered prayer or long awaited answers to prayer remain difficult realities in my spiritual journey.

None of what I have learned

has been simple. 

Eugene Peterson has said, "When we pray, 'we decide to leave an ago-centered world and enter a God-centered world--But it is not easy.  

We are used to anxieties, egos and problems;

we are not used to wonder, God and mystery."

I am not the same person I was 6 years ago when my desperate plea-prayers for healing

were left unanswered.

I can't help but think that my friend spoke prayers, yes of healing,

 but also of a cry for a work of God in my being

and of a sustaining of my soul through the maze.

I would not choose to live those years over,

but nor do I regret any step of that arduous path.

"But why doesn't He answer me--

He has answered your prayer.

He has entered into your life,

through the door which you in your helplessness have opened for Him.

He is already dwelling in your heart.

He is doing the good work within you."

--O. Hallesby

Thank you...my friend,

for the eternal gift 

of your prayers. 

 "Christmas is one holiday I have learned to receive like a gift

that varies in size and significance

one year to the next."

--Phyllis Theroux

I realize that I am perhaps somewhat ahead of "schedule" in capturing the Christmas spirit, but I think it stems from beginning to craft Christmas cards several weeks ago.  I even played a new Christmas CD one of the Saturday's in October as I worked away in my studio:)  This week I plan to forge through the attic crawl space to locate Christmas decor.  My husband isn't necessarily in agreement...ha,ha.  Oh how I love the nostalgia of going through containers and boxes, pulling out memories collected over the years.

I wonder too if the newness of this particular Christmas is part of what is moving me into these days of preparation.  It's a newness with that bittersweet taste.  We have a beautiful daughter-in-law joining us in our celebrations and for this I am filled with gratitude.  Still, all that has been a part of our traditions over the years will have a new look because Cam and Sonya will be beginning their own Christmas traditions.  Some of what we have always shared as a family, will now be shared by just three of us.  I'm unsure as of yet, how all of this will unfold, but clearly it will not be the same. 

This Christmas will very much vary in "size and significance".

And I think I'm mostly okay with this transition.  I am learning that the emotions of sadness and joy can coexist.  One doesn't have to be ignored or pushed out of the way for the other.  I even wonder if life isn't the richer for this.  We were created with this incredible depth and intricacy of thoughts and emotions.  Such abundance, although unpredictable, is indeed beautiful.

I wait with an expectant heart for what the Gift-giver has in store this Christmas.

"Unanswered prayer protects us.

It breaks us, 

deepens us, 

exposes us, 

and transforms us.

Ironically, the unanswered prayers of the past,

which so often leave us feeling hurt, abandoned, and disillusioned,

serve as a refiner's fire that prepare us 

for

the unanswered prayers of the future,

if we are willing to look deep into the darkness of our own souls

and persist in prayer when there doesn't seem to be any reason to."

"When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer"

Jerry Sittser   

I'm Not Able

These are humbling days for me.

Difficult... at times overwhelming... strenuous- in -spirit days.

I'm learning that "I'm not able on my own".

That may sound absurd to many who were fortunate enough to recognize this reality long ago.  But I'm a slow learner.  I have long been one to hold tightly to people or situations even though all is beyond my control.  And it is to my detriment.  I'm so aware of this, but still...oh how this heart of mine aches for the heartaches of so many.

I yearn to soothe the pain, to comfort the broken, to care for the weary, to encourage the discouraged, to walk with the wounded.  And I am able...in meager ways.  But not in the mammoth fashion the my heart pleads to do.

Within the past weeks, a disproportionate amount of aching hearts seems to have come across my path.  So much so that I have had to make some hard choices.  I will either over extend myself and forfeit my own well being, or I must start to live within my limitations.  For sure there is a degree by which I already live within my limited being, but I am aware of an entirely new level where this is needed.

In the midst of these days of decision making, I have Need to Breath's song, "I'm Not Able"  running through my mind.

 There's a host of hurts we come across

None of which alike

From the air inside the birthing room

To the darkness where we die

Though I feel I'm just as strong as any man I know

I'm not able on my own

Carry round the secrets

Only heaven knows

Crawl into our darkened rooms where only victims go

Though I feel I'm strong enough to carry all this load

I'm not able on my own

Oh I want to be strong enough...to carry the load of so many.  But I am so desperately limited and weak and... completely unable to do this on my own.

There is only one Healer

There is only 0ne Rescuer

Only One who is Limitless

Only One who is able.

I am slowly relinquishing this nebulous control I naively think I have.  I am at the edges of freedom as I release loved ones into His proficient care.  I am in the beginning stages of walking this new path of being honest about my inability to meet needs, acknowledging and accepting the reality of letting others down, and of having my heart plunge into a greater trust with the One who is able.

It's a wise, humble, good place for me to be.

"Broken things have been on my mind lately

because so much has broken...

in the lives of the people I love--

hearts, health, confidence.

...our preacher Veronica said recently

that this is life's nature:

that lives and hearts get broken--

those of people we love,

those of people we'll never meet.

She said that the world sometimes feels

like the waiting room of 

the emergency ward and that we who are

more or less OK for now

need to take the tenderest possible care

of the more wounded people 

in the waiting room,

until the Healer comes.

'You sit with people,' she said,

'you bring them juice and graham crackers.'"

--Anne Lamott

"Traveling Mercies" 

Waiting for the Healer...

 

Blooming

 How is it...

that my Gerber Daisies

have more luscious, looking blooms 

in these brisk days of Autumn,

than during the 

"bloom'n days" of summer? 

 

 Perhaps her shades of peachy-pink

are best expressed with the

artistic brush of

harsher, unseasonable temperatures, 

  

 The same seems true for my own life.

Although I long for lazier days of living

where calm and serenity

are my  bosom friends...

 

 it is the unsettling "weather-strewn-days"

that cause me to bend and stretch and lean into

the Son...

these are my days of earnest growing

 

which I pray leads to

a life of fuller, richer

blooms 

Thanksgiving

When I first learned that it was just to be the 3 of us spending Thanksgiving at Eden, there was a sadness in my spirit.  Don't get me wrong...I love the 3 of us.  Brian, Ashley and I have become "3 peas in a pod" so to speak and thoroughly enjoy our time together.  But not having Cam and Sonya with us...or my other two siblings and their families who share ownership of our cottage, was going to be very different.  For years now, the tradition has been that we spend Thanksgiving together, relishing our last few days of the season at this haven and then closing everything up for the winter.

This past week, I began to see how just the three of us might be a blessing in disguise.  Ashley has mostly recovered from Mono, but some extra rest would still be wise.  And playing catch up with homework was still big on her list of things to do.  Myself?  It was becoming more and more apparent that semi-solitude, quiet and rest was what I needed.  And Brian is very much one who appreciates the quiet.

So on Friday afternoon, we packed up the van, picked Ashley up from school and headed to Eden.

The weather was perfect.  Some rain, some sun, howling wind and calm and brisk air.  It's autumn!!!  The wood stove kept us comfy cozy:)  We ate and slept and read and prayed and practiced guitar and plugged away at homework.  I am so very grateful for these days of respite with my hubby and daughter.

Tomorrow I can't wait to see Cam and Sonya and celebrate Thanksgiving with Brian's family.

How many pictures of Autumn can one take?  As many as one desires:) 

Mono

Oh my Sweet Pea Ashley...this was sooooo not what I had envisioned for the start of your Grade 12 year!!!!

Yes, life has thrown a bit of a curve ball into our home, but more specifically into Ashley's life.  Yesterday we received the confirmed diagnosis of Mono.  Sigh.

It was a week ago Monday that she began feeling unwell--chills and sweats, achy, headaches, and of course tired.  But she kept pushing through her week, which, I might add, was a very busy one.  By Friday she was also experiencing congestion and an increasingly sore throat.  Bed has been her friend since Friday night other than for meals, baths, and a trip to the Dr. on Monday.

So  here we are.  In the land of the unknown and unpredictable.  Everyone's experience with Mono is very unique in not only the symptoms but the length of rest required.  My girl has been quite sick and has not improved with the exception of the pain and swelling in her throat having decreased somewhat.  Interestingly, her exhaustion does not necessarily mean endless sleep.  Most of the day she is unable to sleep, yet feels whipped.  Tomorrow, she will have missed a week of school.

And yes, this is concerning, with the reality of a heavy course load this semester and University on the horizon.  I am going to pick up homework tomorrow, which will have been submitted by her teachers to Guidance, but at this point, she has only been able to focus for 20 minutes a couple of times the entire week.  I know she has "plans" to get lots accomplished on the weekend, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. 

Proverbs 3:5,6 were the words of truth that came to me yesterday and have been permeating my thoughts.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And do not lean on your own understanding,

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths."

It's what I need to be reminded of right now.  Our understanding is so very limited.  Trusting in God is my greatest strength.  And practically speaking???  Acknowledging Him in all that we are facing is an exercise I need to be active in.

He  is Healer,

Wise,

Our Shepherd who protects and guides our life path

Powerful,

Sovereign,

Good,

Provider

Merciful...

That which has been thrust into Ashley's life, was not a surprise to Him. I just love that!!!

For now, I am endeavoring to recognize the One who holds Ashley in the palm of His hand.  

In the meantime, this Mama Nurse and Caregiver is fluffing up pillows, filling glasses with water, lemon and ice cubes and making Rolo McFlurry and Dunkaroo runs.

Transitioning

Perhaps "transitioning" is an ill-chosen title to use for any post since life is always changing.  We are always in the midst of hellos or goodbyes, gains and losses, joys and sorrows.  But for sure there are time when our days are more extreme in this area.

Like these days I am in.

It's ironic that early yesterday morning I was mentally noting how smooth the past few days had been and then, WHAM!!!  I got blindsided by so much all at once.

We are in daily conversation here in our home about the topic of university.  Some days our talks are calm, merely exchanging information.  Yesterday there was just a little more horsepower added as I listened to my daughter make her case once again for a university VERY FAR FROM HOME.  And although we have said "no" with some very solid reasons, this leaves out a very large element of faith on our part and limits the risk taking and adventure aspects which is desired on her part.

So this afternoon we gave our blessing for her to apply.

That is just one topic of conversation.  There were three other major discussions I was engaged in over various stages of transitioning that I am being faced with.

But isn't it just like God to meet me here.

Here in my feelings of insecurity, aloneness, fear...sadness.

My time with God this morning centered around a reading entitled, "To Live is to Love" by Dan Moseley
Some of what he shares is this:  "If we lose one part of our life, we become open to another part...when something disappears, it opens space for something else.  Loss opens new space with regard to faith as well."

His words are wise and true and although I am very much in the middle of "losing and opening", I value his eyes which are able to see both spectrum's.  

The verse I chose for this year remains taped above my kitchen sink and continues to be one which draws me back to the One who is walking this journey with me and is my provision and foundation.  "And may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ."  2 Thessalonians 3:5

I took this picture at Eden this past August.

It's a mud puddle.  Yep...a very large mud puddle on the road I was taking a walk on.  And although mud puddles are not often thought of as a treasured piece to photograph, I was struck by the reflection coming off this dirty pit of water.

And it reminds me of where I am right now in these days and months of transitioning.  There is the reality that aspects of my life are not so pleasant.  The waters are murky and often block the path I had hoped to be traveling on or had hoped my loved ones would travel on.  At times there is just nothing pretty about it.  But if I allow my eyes to look beyond the muck and mire, I can see beauty.  I can admire growth and courage and a spirit of pursuit.  I am able to give thanks for family and understanding, grace and open communication.  And if I look with eyes of faith I can see Him and a future brimming with hope and possibilities and His never-leaving-me-alone-Presence.

Both the mud and the beauty are realities.  Sometimes I will sit in that puddle and some days I will gaze in it's reflection.  Because that is who I am.

But I will pray...always I will pray...

"God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time,

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace."

--The Serenity Prayer 

Final Album?????

I was not writing a blog when my son was born.  In fact I'm not even sure there was such a thing 20 years ago, but if there was, I am sure you would have seen a running pictorial of his life from very early on.

You would think that as our children mature...especially as they enter adulthood, we Mama's could put the camera away.  But I am coming to believe I will never tire of capturing the stories of their lives.  I am "in love" with my children...who they are...who they are becoming.  Insatiably so.

And while another post of wedding pics may becoming oh so (yawn) boring for you, I can pore over print after print and not grow weary.  I relive the moments and feast on the emotion of two people celebrating a great love.  

Doubtfully I will post the 300 plus pictures taken by their professional photographer, Zach, but for sure I will stow away a good portion of them in an album for my livingroom.  And you are welcome to peruse them any time:)