July 27, 1991-2011 " Walking Through Life Together"

"I had no idea it would be this hard--
     To serve you, especially when I don't feel like it
     To say, 'I'm sorry', when I think you should say it first
     To appreciate our differences when they seem to be pulling us apart
     To work through a conflict day after day after day..until we find a solution
     To tell you what I need, when I think it should be obvious
     To care for you, encourage and support you, when I am busy, tired and empty
I had no idea it would be this hard, but I always hoped it would be this good--
     To have actually found someone that I feel totally safe with
     To tackle a problem and emerge on the other side--closer than before
     To laugh with you, dream with you, enjoy you
     To be thankful for our oneness, yet value our individuality
    To walk with Christ...together, and marvel at how he works in us
    To be there for you as you are for me...in everything
I had no idea it would be this hard, but I always hoped it would be this good...
To spend my life with you."
--May 1998
Juanita

Eucharisteo, gratitude, blessed, content, privileged, deepest thanksgiving.  All words to describe how I feel on this "moment" of a day.  Twenty years is a long time and yet how those days and months quickly add up to years is still something of a surprise.  And so here we are...my husband and I celebrating twenty years of oneness, of a love that blossomed from those early years of learning how to love, to something deep and strong and rich and beautiful.

Happy Anniversary Sweetheart...there is no one I would rather journey through life with than you.  Your love for me...a Christ-like love is my treasured gift.  I love you.
Juanita

She got married!!!

She got married yesterday.  Katelynn...a friend...truly a beautiful, radiant bride.

Eucharisteo moments throughout the day are stored in my memory with God being clearly among us.

Blessings Katelynn and Grant on your new life together.

Resting at Eden

How thankful I am for our time at Eden this past week.  I felt as though God gave me a gift within a gift.  The time I had for resting was measurably more than I had expected.  And so God's whisper in my ear to rest came with His provision.

I was about 2/3's of the way through Mary Beth Chapman's book, "Choosing to See", when we arrived at Eden and I found my soul deeply settling in to this latter part of her book.  These chapters were primarily compiled of blog entries...the raw, honest emotions of a broken Mama's heart.  If you don't know the story, she and Steven Curtis Chapman's(Christian music artist) youngest daughter was run over and killed by one of their older children.  It was within these blog entries that Mary Beth drew me in, as some of the broken shards of my own heart, although from different circumstances, are painfully fresh.

It was during a walk on the beach one day, that Mary Beth thrust her hard questions heavenward.  "Why, What now, How, What?"  God's answers to her were answers for my own heart:

Why?  "Because I am God and I know all and am in control and know what is best.  Even though it looks like a mess...it is my mess."

What now?  "I am God...keep walking and keep trusting...love well the ones still in your charge and care...realize that time is short, life is hard, but I've given you so much, do not squander it!"

How?  "By remembering that I am God and your trust has to rely completely on me...no striving of your own will to fix, heal, cure, help, calm any of what you see as a mess.  I allow what I allow for reasons you can't even comprehend...rest.  You won't figure this out, but He who holds Maria, holds you."

What?  "Realizing I am God, do the next thing.  Tell people of my amazing faithfulness, love your family and friends well...rest!  It's okay to take the time you need for you.  Make changes if you need to.  Life on earth is short!  I am coming to get you...soon!"

 
Did you notice that God seemed to have a theme?   "I am God."  and "Rest".  

God is so gentle with us.  He knows us so well.  He knows what we need to hear and what is better left unsaid until another time.  I'm grateful for His calming ways...His timely wisdom.

Hard Eucharisteo

That's what Ann Voskamp in her book, "One Thousand Gifts" refers to when she talks about giving thanks in hard circumstances.  For me, "hard eucharisteo" looks like this:

--honest confessions that burden a soul

--bringing the darkness into the light

--smothering with scandalous grace

--all our tears in God's bottle

--strong, faith-filled husband

--caring, empathetic, listening friends

--growing through the pain

--remembering these words..."Let God be big enough"

--hope-filled scripture...Zechariah 9:12

--countless moments to speak truth in countless open-hearted conversations

--Romans 8:28

--Eden days just around the corner

As I paged through "One Thousand Gifts" I came across this particular highlighted paragraph.  I am so in need of God-reminders and hope and eyes of faith, because today I lost perspective, and my faith was small and my fear overwhelmingly burdensome. 

"All fear is but the notion that God's love ends.  Did you think I end, that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough?  But I am infinite, child.  What can end in Me?  Can life end in Me?  Can happiness?  Or peace?  Or anything you need?  Doesn't your Father always give you what you need?  I am the Bread of Life and My bread for you will never end.  Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough and hasn't counting one thousand gifts, endless counting gifts, exposed the lie at the heart of all fear?  In Me, blessings never end because My love for you never ends.  If My goodnesses toward you end, I will cease to exist, child.  As long as there is a God in heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace."

I am at 212 of counting my own  one thousand gifts.  The last few days my gift list is growing measurably. 

"Hard Eucharisteo"

Sweet Sixteen

"I just think that Sweet Sixteen is a sacred, special event."
--Stan Hardin

How are 16  years just whisked away?  Days of soft pink sleepers and quietly nursing my sweet babe seem so long ago.  What has emerged is this beautiful young woman in love with life.

I suppose milestones such as this are bound to flood my mind with nostalgic thoughts.  There is a bitter-sweetness to this day, but mostly sweet.  I would not turn back the hands of time, even if I could.  I love watching her suck the marrow out of life.

I made brunch for she and a friend today, and hearing them banter back and forth and talk about "food babies"(because they've eaten too much) makes my inside's smile. 

Watching her dance through life these days is especially gratifying for me, because it hasn't always been this way.  Anxiety has often stripped her of any ounce of carefree "ness".  Something which was painstakingly difficult for me to watch, and even more for her to endure.  But maturity and stepping way beyond her comfort zone has opened up a whole new exciting world for her.  And even though it's not my desire that her world be QUITE this wide, it is what it is and I love her to pieces.

 How could I not love those big brown eyes and beautiful face???!!!  And she knows how to use that look too!!!

 Oh, and a loving big brother gave her $$$ for her birthday.  Good man, good man!

" Hey there Cowgirl.  Can't wait to go out shopping with you to purchase cowboy boots and complete the look!"

"Ashley...I do love you all the way to the moon and back. 

I still vividly remember the doctor announcing with gusto..."It's a girl!"  And I cried tears of joy.  I sooooooo wanted a girl. 

You have filled my life to the full.  Sometimes you make it so that I can hardly breath :) but mostly you make it wonderfully rich.  Either way, I love you with all my heart.  And even though you have outgrown most of all that was once my little girl, you will probably always be my little girl.  It's just that way with Mama's.

My heart is full of love and prayers for you, my beautiful Ashley.

Happy Sweet Sixteen.

Love, Mom"

Resting

 Rest with Me awhile.
You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days.
The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty.
Look neither behind you nor before you.
Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion.
Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.
I designed time to be a protection for you.  
You couldn't bear to see all your life at once.
Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you.
Refresh yourself in My company, breathing
deep droughts of My Presence.
The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me
moment by moment.  
I am with you, watching over you wherever you go."
--Psalm 143:8; Genesis 28:15
Sarah Young
"Jesus Calling"


My spiritual director gave me this "rich" brief daily devotional just a few days ago.  I am welcoming such timely thoughts penned by this woman years ago. 

Yesterday, the words I read encompassed most of the minutes of my quieted time alone with God.  And today, as I read the invitation to rest, I am humbled again by how little I truly know of rest.


But this morning, my speaker-friend spoke of living "from Christ" and not "for Christ".  So I gratefully acknowledge His indwelling within me...and in this moment rest in the wonder of His all sufficiency.

Turning a Corner

I seem to have turned a corner.  The dark clouds have moved on and the sun is shining again and I am so grateful.  Eucharisteo!  Filling that prescription has made all the difference in my emotional health.  Can I say Eucharisteo for medications and drug plans and wise doctors!! 

With the emergence of summer comes the end of a school year and another corner having been navigated by my daughter.  Grade 10 is mostly behind her, although she still has an exam to write on Monday.  Once it is finished, she will be running full tilt into two glorious months of summer.  That's all I've been hearing from her for the past month and a half..."I can't wait until summer!!!!"  It does my heart good to see her excitement as she plans with friends how they will spend the coming days. 

Cam turned a corner a month ago.  He is already 4 weeks into his summer job working at an Organic Farm.  And might I add that the term "working" is perhaps an understatement.  Spending all day hoeing in the fields, especially on some of these hot days, is grueling.  Not to mention the fact that he bikes to his job which takes him 40 minutes each way.  It's a long back-breaking day for him.  I've been giving him back massages quite regularly this week.  I don't even have to dig my fingers in too hard, for me to hear groans and gasps of pain.  Poor guy.  But he loves it!  He loves the physical exertion of biking as well as working in the fields.  However, he does admit to having dreams...nightmares perhaps, about never ending rows of carrots and broccoli, all needing to be hoed.  Ha,ha

There is much to anticipate over the coming months.  Weddings to celebrate, time to spend at Eden, and my ultimate upcoming highlight is a week in Virginia with my wedded husband celebrating our 20th Anniversary. We are both expectantly waiting for another memorable "honeymoon."   (My daughter is impatiently waiting for us to be gone as well...hmmmm.)

One thing is certain...these two months will fly by us, if we don't savor as many moments as possible, both here at home and away.

Must go now and savor the next moment.

Happy Father's Day Brian!

"It is a wise father that knows his own child."
--William Shakespeare

So, yes, the father of my children was not only celebrating Father's Day, but he continues to revel in the winning of the Stanley Cup by his Boston Bruins.  He wore his jersey to church this morning with great pride. 

We ate lunch outdoors today on a beautiful June afternoon.  It was a simple lunch as we were saving room for dinner out at our favorite restaurant.

 Our adorable kids were quick to remind their Dad that "without us you would not be celebrating Father's Day." :)  Ashley is "modeling" one of the t-shirts she and Cam gave to Brian.

 Just thought I would mention that these are shorts and not PJ bottoms or something of that nature. 

My wonderful hubby, whose diligence as a father has enabled him to truly know his children. 

I love you Brian.

Remembering

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember Thee...
from the land of Jordan,
And the peaks of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar..."
--Psalms 42:5-6

It is a good thing to remember God's faithfulness in the past.  Yes, at all times, praise should not be far from our lips, but it is precisely in the struggles of this life,  that we are wise to turn our thoughts to remembering God's sure presence in days past.

It is something I have been doing this past week. 

As dark clouds continue to cast a deep shadow over my emotional health, I am in need of remembering.  Randomly, I picked out a journal from several years ago, and have paged through it, reading and recalling the seasons of "spring" and "winter", that were a part of my life then. 

God was present then.

He continues to be my "very present help in times of trouble".  God has not been absent these past weeks, but I still need the reminding, because in this I am encouraged. 

Some remembrances:

 October 5, 2008
"Lord I trust You even when I'm hurting...
And I don't understand this path that lays before me,
but I will take Your hand anyway."
--Adam Padfield
  "Trust"

December 18, 2008  (The following excerpts are from when Brian had his heart attack/surgery)
"The places where life is unsatisfactory or incomplete or lacking--that's where we have room to grow.  What we lack, what we yearn for, can fire our imaginations, motivate our actions, strengthen our faith--and those are all good gifts."
--Thomas Kinkade
"Christ the Light of the World"

December 23, 2008
"I don't know the mind of God, and I don't fully understand the reasons for darkness in our lives--but I know that His vision for my life and for the world is for light, not darkness."
--Thomas Kinkade
"Christ the Light of The World"

"I will bring praise
I will bring praise,
No weapon formed against me shall remain,
I will rejoice,
I will declare,
God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life, in every season,
You are still God,
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship."
--Hillsong United

December 26, 2008
"The truth is, no matter how grown-up we become, we all need night-lights.
We all need a little bit of light to keep the darkness from closing in, because no matter what our age, fear isn't rational--fear simply is...O God...quiet the fears that distract me from living the fullness of this moment.  Create in me a grateful heart, and let me know the reassurance of Your presence.  In daring to call You Father, I am living the assurance that You have called me by my name."
--Thomas Kinkade  

And so I continue remembering. 

It's Not About Me

GitzenGirl is a jaw-dropping blog that I have been following the past few weeks.  Sara is a trophy of God's incredible strength and beauty in the midst of unspeakable suffering.  The way in which she lives the life she has been given is a challenge that is spilling over into my own season of sunless days.  

Whatever struggles you are forging through, Sara's God-filled life will be an encouragement and strong exhortation.  Read her post "It's Not About Me".  Read her background information of the disease that has invaded her body and yet does not define her life. 

Invite the One who orchestrates your one solitary life to whisper His own purposeful words into all that you are facing today.

http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com/2011/06/it-not-about-me.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2Fgitzengirl+%28Gitz%29

Grace Days

"There are no more good days or bad days; only grace days. Some days God's grace allows you to ENJOY the day and some days God's grace enables you to ENDURE the day"
--Jacqueline Williams


These words, penned by my Spiritual Director are resonating in my soul today.  It's another day of enduring, but somehow the above truth takes the pressure off of being unable to enjoy.  And I am so not-in-need of pressure or guilt as these enduring days string together.

What I am is grateful.

Grateful that God's grace enables me to press through the minutes and hours of this day.

It's a beautiful, God-filled grace day.