Purple Pansies without hugs

Mom would have bought pansies this spring
purple and mauve
definitely NOT yellow

I thought I bought them for my Dad
but maybe it's me who needed them

I met him in the lobby of his condo
me 6 feet away
from the man
I want
to hug

It's
awkward
wrong
hard

I should have left them on the floor
Let him pick them up
but that felt beyond what either of us could handle

So I handed them to him
now we are only 2 feet away
and it is all I can do not to throw my arms around him
and kiss him
and cry

I want so desperately to ride the elevator with him
to his empty home
so that it isn't so empty
like I envision it
my Dad
alone

I wanted to "see" Mom again
in that place
because she decorates
its entirety
with who she is
was


I miss
her

But I stay where I stand

My Dad "signs" a hug
I leave
and later read his text about
how awkward that was

Because it was

But it's how we love each other
today

Eventually we will add more
to our love
especially
with
hugs

A Holy Summons

"A crisis is a holy summons to cross a threshold.

It involves both a leaving behind and a stepping forward,

a separation and an opportunity."

"When The Heart Waits"

Sue Monk Kidd

Covid-19 comes to us during Lent.  Did we realize this?  With all the panic of a pandemic closing in on our world, it's understandable that we would lose sight of the season we were in the midst of.  It makes sense.  Very few of us, if any have not felt the normalcy of life uprooted from us.  We still find this "new normal" surreal.  

It is in recent days where I am beginning to notice a clarity of desire emerging. I'm not one to "waste" life's moments.  I am always looking for purpose and meaning in the midst of whatever is unfolding around me.  Our current world reality is no different.  I'm aware of how life-giving the quiet slowness is for me.  How restful my spirit is in this time of isolation; how freeing it is to be free of expectations.  I'm also aware how quickly I can jeopardize the calm by too much time on my phone or computer.  Continually adding "just one more person to check in on" soon creates a sense of overload.  And so I scale back...way back.  Not because I want to but because I need to. 

The knowledge that one day we will all return to some level of normalcy has me asking very important and challenging questions.  How do I want to re-enter that world?  Who do I want to be when the barriers begin to be lifted?  What do I need to begin to change now so that I may re-enter with wisdom?

Because I don't want to be everything that I was. 

Parts of me are quick to do what I think others expect of me.  Other parts are pulled to "doing" in ways which deplete me, while knowing...deeply know,  that for me, simply "being" is what fills me.  To my great dismay, I spend far too much time looking over my shoulder to see if what I am doing meets approval.  This is not who I want to be or how I want to live. 

Right now I have this amazing gift of experiencing life without its normal pressures.  But within this gift is another gift-- this gift of time in which God and I have the opportunity to do the hard work of "leaving behind and stepping forward" as Sue Monk Kidd expresses.  For me, this is a crisis of my soul and I hear this "holy summons to cross the threshold."  It's clearer every day that which I need to separate from and the fresh opportunity which lies ahead.  It's all a gift.

Lent is to challenge us the same way.  After 40 days many of us hope to have changed in some way, to have seen our bankruptcy of soul in the light of Christ's blood shed love for us.  That Covid and Lent are colliding is powerful. 

Such a holy summons!

Know God

"Experienced Christians stand before any event and say, 

'the main purpose of this event is for me to know God.

I don't know the specific reasons of_______

but I do know the main reason is for me to know God better."

--Tim Keller

The Still Life

It was a mere three weeks ago that I left for my Silent Retreat.  For three days I was without connection to the outside world and free from conversation.  This being my second time in such an environment I knew what to expect and how sacred it would be.  I was not disappointed.  The Trinity was ever faithful in directing my heart and leading me through times of relinquishment, confession, forgiveness and healing.  My days were life-giving, freeing and hope-filled.  The life of contemplation draws me so.  It fills me, renews and silences the many voices vying for my attention.  I left filled and hungry to remain so.  

I can only describe it as "other-worldly" to return home to a changed world!  My husband, in listing all that had unfolded finally stopped and said, "Honey, the world changed while you were gone."  It was such a bizarre re entry for which to wrap my head around.

In the days since, life proceeds to change almost daily.  There are new laws and directives and states of emergency being implemented on a regular basis.  It's dizzying to try and keep up to date.  Though the first few days of this new normal were overwhelming, for the most part, my days are calm.

"The world has finally slowed to my pace."

This is what I tell most people who ask me how I am doing.  This slow, quiet life is my "happy" place.  Here I am most content, relaxed, at peace--an indication of how challenging life is for me otherwise.  When I do experience anxiety it comes from watching/listening/reading too many updates, having to make painful decisions such as isolating from those I love and long to support, or feeling the weight of a suffering world.   This is heart wrenching at times.  

And yet overall, the quiet life prevails.  A part of what I experienced during the days of my Silent Retreat, I am able to live now.   I see it as an immeasurable gift.  Because I know that our world is suffering. The collective suffering of our planet in terms of loss of life and health and income is overwhelming.  Our health care workers and other heroes, working exhausted in anxiety-producing environments is beyond comprehension.  Many are struggling with the loss of their extroverted world, being plunged into an introverted world in which they have no idea how to navigate.  I know that many are not finding their new world to be a "happy place".

So I am choosing to steward this incredible gift of a quiet life and pray on behalf of those living in a nightmare.  I am seeking to encourage people with threads of hope, bless others with splashes of surprise, and stay focused on the One who holds this world in His hands.  Because He does. 

Goodness of God

Lockdown. Look up.

Lockdown. Look up.

Yes, there is fear.

Yes, there is isolation.

Yes, there is panic buying.

Yes, there is sickness.

Yes, there is even death.

But,

They say that in Wuhan

That after so many years of noise

You can hear the birds again.

They say that after just a few weeks of quiet

The sky is no longer thick with fumes

But blue and grey and clear.

They say that in the streets of Assisi

People are singing to each other

Across the empty squares, keeping their windows open

So that those who are alone

May hear the sounds of family around them.

They say that a hotel in the west of Ireland

Is offering free meals and delivery to the homebound.

Today a young woman I know is busy spreading flyers with her number through the neighbourhood

So that the elders may have someone to call on.

Today Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and Temples

Are preparing to welcome and shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary.

All over the world people are waking up to a new reality

To know how big we really are, to know how little control we really have.

To what really matters.

To Love.

So, we pray and we remember that yes, there is fear.

But there does not have to be hate.

Yes, there is isolation.

But there does not have to be loneliness.

Yes, there is panic buying.

But there does not have to be meanness.

Yes, there is sickness,

But there does not have to be disease of the soul.

Yes, there is even death.

But there can always be a rebirth of love.

Wake to the choices you make as how to live now.

Today, breathe.

Listen behind the factory noises of your panic.

The birds are singing again

The sky is clearing.

Spring is coming

And we are always accompanied by Love.

Open the windows of your soul

And though you may not be able to touch across the empty square,

Sing.

 

Author

Father Richard Hendrick

OFM, March 13 2020

The above was shared with me by my friend Louise...thank you.

Safe Am I

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about he LORD;

He alone is my place of safety, 

he is my God,

and I trust him."

Psalm 91:1,2

Special thanks to my sister Charmaine for sharing this with me.

Life According to Seaton

'Many of you probably think I am "just" a baby, but I too remember the "good 'old days" before social distancing.  In case you didn't know, I am a snuggler.  It's my happy place and I have done my fair share since I came into the world.  Allow me to share:

Snuggling with my Great Grandad

My Great Granny singing to me

Oh how I enjoyed snuggles with my Cool Aunt...thanks for the toque too!!!

I got to spend some time in my Great Aunt Chris's arms when she was here:)

My second cousin Rachel seemed pretty happy snuggling me

Oh Grandma Shirley...your snuggles and kisses are the best!!!

My second cousin, Emmy seemed pretty happy to meet me

My great Uncle Graeme made a special trip so he could snuggle me.  I must be pretty important!

Grandad LOVES snuggling me as much as I do!

Nana LOVES snuggling also.  She says I'm adorable:)

Great Gramps was so very happy to meet me!!

Great Nana kept saying how soft I was when she was snuggling me.  She is now with Jesus.  Lots of people miss her but she's in a pretty good place they tell me.

Great Aunt Charmaine got some good snuggles in just before "social distancing"!!

I love spending time with Aunt Jess.  She is here right now from Ecuador because my cousin is going to be arriving at the end of April.  So exciting!!  Uncle Raoul just arrived from Ecuador.  I can't see him right now because he's in this thing called quarantine.

Life has changed alot in the past few weeks.  Here's what I think --

I am just as disappointed as Aunt Ashley--I can't even show my face!!

On the bright side--my Daddy is working from home which makes me very happy (Mommy is happy about that too!!)

Neither my Mommy or Daddy are practicing "social distancing" with me!!!  I love it!!!! 

I gotta tell you though....I was pretty disappointed last week when people went crazy stockpiling.  I've done some good hard thinking about this world I have entered.

 

I was pretty annoyed about the long lines in the grocery store. 

I'm not sure what the big deal was about toilet paper.  Mommy says washcloths work just fine for me!  She told me It's called a washer and dryer.

Oh...I asked Nana to stick the pic in here.  This was also before social distancing. 

Honestly....I think some of you people need to chill out and take a few lessons from me.

Ok well I wasn't chill this day.  When I heard people were stock piling I freaked out.  You see my Dad makes popcorn about every other day.  He loves it!!  I think there truly would have been a crisis in our home if he ran out of popcorn!!!

Mommy is always reassuring me though.  She spends ALOT of time just looking at me and telling me how much she loves me and how cute I am.  I'm pretty happy looking at her too!!!!

 

Whenever life feels like too much Daddy has a great way of calming me down and putting me to sleep

This could go on for how long???  Seriously?????

Gosh...sometimes I just can't handle it all

Thankfully Mommy keeps reminding me she didn't have to stockpile my food.  She tells me she won't run out.  

Apparently Grandad is going through Boston Bruin's withdrawal.  Poor guy.  Nana says he cheers for the wrong team anyway--and I believe Nana!!

Well everyone...this has been pretty fun.  Hope you enjoyed hearing about life from my point of view.  It's pretty simple actually.

Time for another nap

Perspective

The following was shared with me by my daughter-in-law this past weekend.  A timely perspective.


In one way we think a great deal too much of the atomic bomb. “How are we to live in an atomic age?” I am tempted to reply: “Why, as you would have lived in the sixteenth century when the plague visited London almost every year, or as you would have lived in a Viking age when raiders from Scandinavia might land and cut your throat any night; or indeed, as you are already living in an age of cancer, an age of syphilis, an age of paralysis, an age of air raids, an age of railway accidents, an age of motor accidents.”
In other words, do not let us begin by exaggerating the novelty of our situation. Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented: and quite a high percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways. We had, indeed, one very great advantage over our ancestors—anesthetics; but we have that still. It is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was not a chance at all, but a certainty.
This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.
— “On Living in an Atomic Age” (1948) in Present Concerns: Journalistic Essay

  ****************************************************************************

We are living in a new world and yet this exert, I believe, is a timely reminder of the varying "worlds" of history. 

As a Christ follower I want to remember first and foremost that God is still on the throne.  Nothing that is unfolding has taken Him by surprise.  "Jesus", Hebrews says, "remains the same yesterday, today, yes and forever."  Is this not our security and hope in the midst of unsettled times!!

May our actions reflect protection and not panic, faith and not fear.  May we respond in wisdom and extend grace to those who may walk through these days in ways different than our own.

The New Normal

We are already at the end of the first week of March.  Where does the time go??? 

I sit here hoping to write what feels like jumbled thoughts, not sure if they will make any sense or not.  Life continues to feel compartmentalized.  At least I think that is the word or one of the words to describe what my days unfold as. 

It's not just that I have one "new normal".  In every way, shape and form, there are two. 
On January 5th my life exploded with the incredible joy of my first grandchild.
And on January 30th my life imploded with the death of my stepmom.

Those initial days of shock...both of wonder and sadness are gradually settling.  There continue to be wonder and sadness but the shock is less.  There is a new normal emerging.  But these two worlds feel so far removed from one another.  Nothing feels fluid, but rather each seems boxed in its own time and space and I move from one to the other with the door seemingly closing behind me.

The first two part days of this week I spent with Sonya and Seaton.  Pure bliss.  All life fades away in the presence of this burst of new life.  I am enraptured with his first smiles and coo's.  I am utterly and completely present to his warm body snuggled into my chest, feeling his every movement of fresh and beautiful life.  I am enamored with the countless firsts of these precious days.  Present in a way which is all encompassing.

Thursday I went to my Dad's, to join some sibs in cleaning out the pantry and other various tasks.  This world too is fresh and new and overwhelmed with emotion.  I ache for the grief spilling from my father.  I struggle to comprehend that we are actually "doing this".  That we are in the home he and Mom shared for such a brief time, and in essence "downsizing" it to fit his needs alone.  Here too, everything is a first.  Here too I am wholly and entirely present.

I come home to this more neutral ground and wonder if these two new normal's will ever weave together in a smoother pattern.

And then there's Lent.  This season of sacrifice and reflection and even this feels like it's just been dropped into my life and I'm neither absent from its meaning, nor am I fully engaged.
I only know that I feel unfocused...not fully present.

Three days from now I will drive 30 minutes from my home to a place of retreat.  I took a step of faith last spring when I entered the sacred grounds of a three day silent spiritual retreat.  A year ago it felt intimidating, frightening even, to think of a space of time in complete silence, unplugged from the world around me.  This time, I anticipate and long for these secluded, quiet days, knowing that in these days I will be met by my gracious God in ways which will heal me, teach, challenge, free and silence me. 

I don't know if I will return to my new normal's with them beginning to weave together or not.  Perhaps this too is my new normal for now, this sense of somehow living separate lives. 

I expect at some point it will all flow together.  For now, I will be present in what is.

"This Life They Built" Guest Post

https://ashleyogilvie.com/2020/03/01/this-life-they-built/