Purple Pansies without hugs

Mom would have bought pansies this spring
purple and mauve
definitely NOT yellow

I thought I bought them for my Dad
but maybe it's me who needed them

I met him in the lobby of his condo
me 6 feet away
from the man
I want
to hug

It's
awkward
wrong
hard

I should have left them on the floor
Let him pick them up
but that felt beyond what either of us could handle

So I handed them to him
now we are only 2 feet away
and it is all I can do not to throw my arms around him
and kiss him
and cry

I want so desperately to ride the elevator with him
to his empty home
so that it isn't so empty
like I envision it
my Dad
alone

I wanted to "see" Mom again
in that place
because she decorates
its entirety
with who she is
was


I miss
her

But I stay where I stand

My Dad "signs" a hug
I leave
and later read his text about
how awkward that was

Because it was

But it's how we love each other
today

Eventually we will add more
to our love
especially
with
hugs