Prayers of Lent Day 1

Oh God...

shame has been my covering this day

The darker places of my soul have emerged

again

and I long to wrap myself in fig leaves

to cover my naked self

But You

my Creator

love me unconditionally

As you lift me from this empty place

You fill me with the truth that I am

precious in Your sight

I am Yours

gratefully

Lament

The following is a Lament prose I have written for my Theology of Suffering Class tomorrow.  Several weeks ago we went on a "Suffering Expedition" in the downtown area of the city's college I attend.  We were instructed to observe suffering as well as the subtle persistence of hope and then compose a prose.  Th
It has been a soul moving experience to observe, reflect, and give voice to my thoughts.

"Oh God...hear our cry

We are the lonely, afraid and disturbed

haunted by our memories and tortured in our thoughts

We are the forgotten and rejected

despised because of our crime and betrayed by those we trust

The wreckage of our lives lies sometimes quietly hidden

at other times, grossly exposed

How long 'til we emerge from this garbage heap

marked wasted, discarded, useless lives?!

How long in this prison?!

Who will hear our muffled pleas for freedom from the

shame and torment, emptiness and despair?!

O God...hear our cry!

We are so much more than the labels used to define us!

This limping-along-way-of-living cripples others, not me!!

Horror may lurk in my memory, oh but strength and resilience are rooted in deeper places

The verdict condemns my actions--yes, but they are not the sum total of my worth!

I smile God...and I laugh and tease and kiss--regardless of my IQ

And today--today my stumbling gait can even outrun the demons of my mind.

Hear our cry oh God...

And fan our flags of hope"

Frosted Jewels

It is a breathtaking morning

when one awakes to find that

God has dipped the world

in a gargantuan pot of silver jewels

and set her out to dazzle 

the human race

 

 

 

Snow Day

Finally...

finally the heavens opened and the snow fell

hour upon hour of miniature marshmellow white

A plush carpet of brilliant sparkling diamonds 

waking up a sleeping terrain

with her pure beauty

 

 

 

Rest and Rejuvenation

What a delightful way to end January and begin Feburary....with my sister and her family. 
I am grateful for--
**peanut butter at breakfast, peanut butter at lunch, peanut butter on my waffles(much to Mikaela's surprise), peanut butter licked off my spoon, peanut butter licked off my knife(yes I do that).  I think I put a rather large dent in their peanut butter jar:)

**Lovable Zoey who NEVER barks...yes, it is true....NEVER!!!  She loves to snuggle which I thoroughly enjoyed as I relaxed on the couch.

**Copper hilites in my hair by the very best hairstylist!!!

**Conversation...serious, light

**Charma ensuring that I was always warm...blankets and a fire.  Ahhh.

**Much needed God moments

**My Leaf's won!!!

**Yummy meals

**Leisure reading of cottage and cooking magazines

**Anderson...what you see is what you get!!  This little guy is rarely serious.  He's just full of mischief.  He kept a smile in my heart the entire time.  (Of course I am also thankful that I am not parenting him....they have their hands full!!!!!!)   In some wildly amazing way, he is just like his Dad!!! 

**Dear Sister....what a joy it was to spend time with you in the everyday living of life.  You are one amazing woman!!!

**Sweet Mikaela...how grown up you are(I am sitting in this picture though:)  You are a blossoming artist--keep expressing your creativity!!!  Thankyou for holding my hand when I got my ear pierced!!!!!!!

              Thankyou for opening your home and blessing me with your love.  The memories linger.

One More Sleep

"Keep company with those who make you better."  English Proverb

One more sleep

a 3 hour and a bit train ride

and 

a much welcomed respite

from the cares of life

Can't wait for down time with my sista Charmaine, hubby Andrew

niece and nephew...Mikaela and Anderson:)

The Subtle Persistence of Hope

I'm undone

again

the complete intersection

of this course and my life

continues to disrupt my soul

I have accepted this

it's necessary and good and haunting and consuming

but there will be healing

one day

The "subtle persistence of hope" is the phrase from yesterday that echos in the recesses of my mind and heart.

  

I have experienced this. 

Hope that is microscopic at best...where at times I require a magnifying glass to notice it's presence.  And persistent?  Oh yes!  I have over 450 entries recorded in my journals  of this subtle persistence of hope.  It was the thread that stretched from one anguished day to the next.

But what ever happened to grandiose, and splashy?  Hope realized?  Hope fulfilled?

What happened to water becoming wine?
Why not take my demon of depression and cast IT into some farm-fed swine and leave them to suffer endlessly?
And what about Lazarus...the one you loved so much?
It was only a few days until you raised him from the dead and the glory was Yours.
But me?
You loved me too, and yet three years of "existing", not living was mine to endure.
And three more years of inching-along recovery that has never been fully realized...

Does it really take that long for You to be glorified???

I'm "supposed" to be content with the subtle persistence of hope.
I thought I was.
 And yet the memories are being unearthed and I can either sift through the ruins
or shovel it all back into that dark- night- of- the- soul -abyss.  

But I know what happens to buried questions, confusion and pain.
It remains.
Enshrouded in grave clothes yes, but still breathing like some taunting ghost.

I don't know why the subtle persistence of hope in those years of torment was not enough.
Why it is not enough for me today.
After all...I endured...I chose life...I survived!!!!
Why does my soul still yearn for something more?  

This is the healing path we journey together, God and I.  

I am disarmed, no longer fighting for relief.
Even within the gnawing questions there is a quiet calm, allowing me to live with the questions.

Perhaps it is this subtle persistence of hope that will unveil the answers one day.

The Healing Path

A calming of my mind

a settling of my soul

this is not a harsh road I have been made to stumble down

but a healing path He has invited me to walk

an intimate journey we take together

"Jehovah-rophe...I follow Your lead"

Not Alone

Must I always return home on Tuesday afternoons with a churning in my stomach and turmoil in my mind and soul?

This is so not what I expected as I was anticipating "The Theology of Suffering" course.  I expected a challenge, yes, a stretching within, a resonating of my spirit with what was being taught, but not this.

And I'm not entirely aware of what "this" entails.  I began this journey having felt that I had made peace with my own seasons of suffering.  There had been a mostly restful place where the redemption of my pain was realized and lived out and where the mystery of God was acknowledged and accepted.  I had ceased fighting with God.  The "why's" no longer required an answer.

But this seems to all have been disrupted in the last week.  At times I am wrestling, angry and questioning God.  A turmoil within, a loneliness and lostness has begun to visit my soul. A crack has formed, or perhaps was there before and I was unaware, in this trust relationship God and I have forged together.

I am finding myself tripping over the crack.

I am afraid.  This is familiar, but unwelcome territory.

But I am not truly alone.  He is here.

Earlier in the day I listened to a statement from Chuck Swindoll--

"Our questions make us dependent"

His words caught my attention.  My questions...my searching,  is not a failure on my part, but rather the reason I must press into this Sovereign One.  I am dependent on His leading me through this maze I stepped into last week.

Psalm 139 reminds me I am not alone...in any of the thoughts and emotions that have been stirred within me.

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me,

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

You understand my thought from afar.

You scrutinize my path and my lying down,

And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

Even before there is a word on my tongue,

Behold, O Lord, You know it all,.

You enclose me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is too high, I cannot attain to it."

Verses 1-6

I am on a journey without a road map but not without a Guide.   I don't know where He is leading me or for what purpose the path has been set out.

But I will continue to follow.

Enclosed behind and before--

God--Your hand upon me.

I am surrounded,

"held" captive,

trapped by God!

          Oh the comfort of being

covered in the security

of the Sovereign. 

Based on Psalm 139:5

July 2007

The Theology of Suffering

It both soothes my soul and disrupts it

I am at home and in a foreign land
I find a restfulness within as well as challenge

My thoughts expand--and yet somehow shrink

I am in community but alone

There is voice to my suffering and silence to my voice

I yearn to hear more and want to hide

Yesterday I began my course, "The Theology of Suffering".  The above articulates best what is rushing through my being.  I feel privileged...grateful, to be a part of this course.  The professor is a gifted, gentle, humble man of whom I instantly felt a kinship with. He speaks my language.  

Lucy, in "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe says of Aslan, "He is good, but He's not safe."  If I may transfer these words to this course, it would read, "It is good....so very good, but it's not safe."

There is a very real sense of the ground we are treading on, being holy.  First and foremost, this is God's domain.  This reality and mystery of suffering, as much as we may dialogue and wrestle with it, lies in the hands of this God we worship.  But further, is the awareness that there is something sacred, yes, holy, about sifting through the darkened maze of suffering, whether it be another classmate, or a stranger beyond the four walls of our room.

This is no place for the glib, cliche answers that are too often placed as bandaids on our open wounds.  No, this is a place where each word, each expression of thought will be carefully offered.  Where respect and grace and empathy will become our own healing ointment as we engage with one other.

We were challenged to be surprised.  Surprised by how God may desire to shape us and grow us through the coming weeks.  

Already, I am this and more. 

God of the impossible--

The days before me lie waiting--fresh as new fallen snow
Mystery colors the pages of the unknown
Expectation of the plans You have for me spur me to turn to another calender year
Still..the stains which linger from days past creep into my hopes and accentuate my fears

I invite You--God of the impossible
to walk ahead of me
     alongside
          behind
Encircling all of me

May I be as Mary--
a willing servant to the impossibilities You can fashion through me

May I have faith which moves beyond Sarah's--
believing there is nothing beyond the power that is in You

And may I praise as Jeremiah--
Your "great power...Your outstretched arm",
claiming "nothing is too difficult for You."

This is my prayer
     my earnest plea
For the glory and honor and worship
of You alone
Amen.

Verse for 2013
"Nothing will be impossible with God."  Luke 1:37