Not Alone

Must I always return home on Tuesday afternoons with a churning in my stomach and turmoil in my mind and soul?

This is so not what I expected as I was anticipating "The Theology of Suffering" course.  I expected a challenge, yes, a stretching within, a resonating of my spirit with what was being taught, but not this.

And I'm not entirely aware of what "this" entails.  I began this journey having felt that I had made peace with my own seasons of suffering.  There had been a mostly restful place where the redemption of my pain was realized and lived out and where the mystery of God was acknowledged and accepted.  I had ceased fighting with God.  The "why's" no longer required an answer.

But this seems to all have been disrupted in the last week.  At times I am wrestling, angry and questioning God.  A turmoil within, a loneliness and lostness has begun to visit my soul. A crack has formed, or perhaps was there before and I was unaware, in this trust relationship God and I have forged together.

I am finding myself tripping over the crack.

I am afraid.  This is familiar, but unwelcome territory.

But I am not truly alone.  He is here.

Earlier in the day I listened to a statement from Chuck Swindoll--

"Our questions make us dependent"

His words caught my attention.  My questions...my searching,  is not a failure on my part, but rather the reason I must press into this Sovereign One.  I am dependent on His leading me through this maze I stepped into last week.

Psalm 139 reminds me I am not alone...in any of the thoughts and emotions that have been stirred within me.

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me,

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

You understand my thought from afar.

You scrutinize my path and my lying down,

And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

Even before there is a word on my tongue,

Behold, O Lord, You know it all,.

You enclose me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is too high, I cannot attain to it."

Verses 1-6

I am on a journey without a road map but not without a Guide.   I don't know where He is leading me or for what purpose the path has been set out.

But I will continue to follow.

Enclosed behind and before--

God--Your hand upon me.

I am surrounded,

"held" captive,

trapped by God!

          Oh the comfort of being

covered in the security

of the Sovereign. 

Based on Psalm 139:5

July 2007