Detached and Attached

"How did I live my life today?

Detached from outcomes

and

attached to Jesus?

Can I say that--

'Life was good today because

I had Jesus?'"
Ingrid Reichard

It is a grace of God that I could climb under the sheets last evening and in my heart of hearts say--

Life was good today because I had Jesus.

The Landscape of Prayer

We are a solid three weeks into a new season; my beloved autumn.  I am thoroughly enjoying its emerging beauty as well as the remnants of summer's warmth.

I'm also finding myself in a new season in my spiritual life; that being a doorway into the world of prayer.  Prayer has been a part of my life since I can remember.  My earliest memories of prayer are of panicky pleas for something "bad not to happen".  If I am gut wrenching honest, the backdrop of so much of my praying hasn't changed.  I may use different words and I may sound a little more eloquent but still, I utter a plethora of requests that something "bad not happen" or that the bad that is happening will change.  And perhaps this isn't completely out of line.  We are to present our requests to God.(Philippians 4:6) Yet there is a whole other world of prayer to be practiced besides just this one.  And although I would say I do practice adoration and confession and thanksgiving, the two sandwiched in between are ones I only dabble in.  I confess.
My guide has been The Lord's Prayer, I expect one of the most recited prayers in the world today.  I see with new eyes the pattern Jesus set forth for a conversation with His Father.  As I seek to follow this pattern I'm beginning to see prayer as a landscape and my world is expanding because of it.

Slovenia

When I spend time remembering the grandeur and beauty of my Lord I gain a new perspective.
I see His power, His limitlessness and I feel so safe and secure.
When I acknowledge and pay homage to the strength majesty of who He is--
when I worship Him as the One who is supreme and worthy of my trust--
when I recognize again my smallness and am put back into place by His sheer bigness--
when I grasp, albeit feebly the wonder of His Father love for me--
when I realize again His sacrificial rescue plan so that I could be his beloved child--
when I find myself humbled by this holy God
everything else changes.
Everything. 

Slovenia

If I have failed in adoring my God I have equally fallen short of confessing sin.  I'm noticing a paradox as I seek to more fully practice confession. The rugged and hard terrain of confession leads me to the wonder and beauty of His holiness.
The more I allow Jesus to open the closet of my heart, the deeper my gratitude grows for Him.
The more transparent I become the clearer the magnitude of His sacrifice for me.
The more helplessly aware I am of my fallen-ness the grander the scope of His all-sufficiency
The uglier the depths of my blackness the more magnified the beauty of His purity
The more I own my utter ability to do ANYTHING to make my heart clean, the greater the knowledge and sheer gratitude for the One who shed His blood for me.
The more undone I am by my emptiness the more undone I am by His fullness.
Everything changes.
Everything.

Scotland

Perhaps we are hard wired to ask God to step in and make right whatever we feel is wrong in our lives.  Perhaps it's a part of our sinful nature to have this self focus; this propensity to want life to be smooth and easy.  I know that I have no problem asking, requesting, begging and pleading with God for what I want...for myself and others.  And all of these forms of petition are scriptural by the way.  Even Jesus it seems to me, came awfully close to pleading with God to avoid the cross.  So I'm not suggesting that we can't pray fervently, longingly or desperately.  That which is changing my focus is perspective.  I will continue to "go out on a limb" and request God's intervention in both the minuscule and colossal issues of life.  But I will seek to keep the grandeur and beauty and strength of an Almighty God in view.
When I ask, I want to remember that he is such a good, good Father.
When I request a change of direction for someone I love, I hope to remember that He loves them more than I ever could.
When I fall to my knees pleading for "this cup to pass", I desire to believe that His Sovereign ways are where I need to bank my faith...and not my feelings.
When I beg for the end of suffering, I yearn to hold on to hesed and know that He does EVERYTHING by His covenant faithfulness.
When I am tempted to think that I or someone else "needs" His rescuing, may I quickly be reminded that we have already been rescued once and it was pure grace.
God owes me nothing.

Scotland

Many years ago during a very dark season of my life I began a practice of finding something each day to give thanks for.  It became a picture of hope for me as I began to notice the ways in which God was present in the midst of the horror.  I somehow grew out of this habit, I suppose as life became more manageable. Several years ago I was prompted to begin a Eucharisteo Journal.  Author and speaker Ann Voskamp expands on the word Eucharisteo --

Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, 

envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. 

But it also holds its derivative,

 the Greek word chara, meaning “joy.” 

Charis. Grace.  

Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving.  

Chara. Joy.

There is such deep meaning in these few words which I won't delve into now, but suffice it is to say that they have together encapsulated what it means for me to record that which I am thankful for.  I list anything and everything --

early morning rain, home all day, letting go, anti-anxiety meds, grace for myself, answers to prayer, my plants, Jesus still working on me, the luxury of dentists in our country (and I strongly dislike dentists!!), candles, courage, our home, understanding each other, the lather of soap in my hands, the power of God, a set aside time to grieve, home made soup, Day of Solitude, calmer today, laughter, grace from Jesus. etc.  

It's good and necessary for me not only to practice thanksgiving but also to write it down.

Because I can easily skip over the simple, mundane gifts of living here on this planet

Because I need to return to the pages of my journal and be reminded--that God is gracious

Because it's ever so easy to take for granted the untold privileges I enjoy in this country

Because it curbs my complaining spirit

Because God is worthy of nothing less than my full-out gratitude 

Always

All of this awakening within and still--have I even touched the edges of prayer? 

Timothy Keller in his book "Prayer" speaks these words, 

"To pray is to accept that we are, 

and always will be, 

wholly dependent on God for

 everything."

If all that this awakening produces is a more humble, dependent spirit I am content.  Until the next path of discovery. 

Oh beloved Scotland

"What shall I render to the LORD

For all His benefits toward me?"

--Psalm 116:12

These words came to mind so often as my family and I traveled throughout the beautiful country of Scotland.  To be transported from my world of anxiety and stress and doubt about how I would fare on a trip of this scale, to what seemed like another world still seems incomprehensible.  I know there is much I could unpack here but I won't.  Instead I will plunge into a pictorial tribute to my Creator who fashioned such a beautiful country and my Shepherd who spoke to me through the wonder of it all.

The Lord IS my Shepherd         Psalm 23
 

My four loves (baby makes four)

Cam is down there!

Steall Waterfall, Fort William

Ashley climbing Old Man of Storr

Beautiful Portree

Swimming in the Fairy Pools

A windy day!!!!!!!

 Urquart Castle

We left the guys to climb the Cairngorm!

"Heather"

One of the greenhouses at Balmoral Castle

Mmmmm the scent of lavender

I restrained from adding the other 20 pics I have of flowers!!!

Balmoral Castle

St. Andrew's by the sea

Spent lots of time with my girl before she left on her 2 1/2 month European travels

A happy moment for this golfer!!!!

Madras Women's College (High school)--Brian's Mom

Brian's cousin Anne and husband Bill (Dundee)

Brian's father's home for first three years of life.

First apartment/home of Brian's parents

Edinburgh Castle

The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo

Front and Centre--Brian's brother Graeme--Pipe Band Major for the RCMP band in Ottawa--playing in the Tattoo which we took  in on our last night.  A perfect Grand Finale!!!

 

"What shall I render to the LORD for all of his benefits toward me?"
Psalm 116:12

What Was I Thinking???!!!!

It seems as though everyone I speak with is more excited about my traveling to Scotland than I am !!  It’s the sense I have when I compare my insides with their outside expressions.  I think I’m getting there….slowly.  But the reality is—I’m a homebody through and through.  My home is a sanctuary for me.  It’s filled with that which I find calming and cozy and life-giving.  The wood sign on my wall which greets guests as they arrive reflects this—

“Ah, there’s nothing like staying home for real comfort.” 

Jane Austen  

 I simply cherish home.

In addition to my homebody disposition is my low desire or need for adventure.  I suppose for many I am a boring individual yet I am quite content in this skin of mine.  But everyone once and awhile it seems that my memory lapses and/or someone entices me to an outside my comfort zone adventure.  Which is where I am finding myself these last couple of weeks.

WHAT WAS I THINKING???!!!! ....when I said “Yes!” to going to Scotland!!  Haha

I was thinking of the gift it would be for our family to do a vacation together.

I was thinking of what this would mean for Brian to walk the path of his parent’s roots and the rest of us to share in this.

I was thinking this would be a momentous once in a lifetime adventure!

And this is all true…but then reality started to creep in.

Flying is a challenge for my psyche anytime, but across the ocean????!!  Yikes!!!

Traveling with diabetes, while it may be simple for some, it’s very stressful for me.  The preparation alone feels overwhelming and especially when I’m going to another country.  Someone has described living with diabetes as a full time job which means I’m going on a vacation and taking my full time job with me.  It's times like this I wish I could take a leave from the constancy of diabetes management.

When I do travel, I am best when staying in one place.  We will be at 5 different Airbnb’s.  Thankfully we are two nights at each destination which will allow for a morning to sleep in or an afternoon to read leisurely.  

And let's just be honest.  I love our unique and precious family but we all have our idiosyncrasies and preferences and buttons that can be pushed.  Ten days of us and we are bound to run into a wrinkle or two.  But I so dislike conflict and for personal reasons my aversion to it is at an all-time high right now.

There are other aspects involved but suffice it is to say that my anxiety levels have been fairly high these past few weeks--bordering on panic at times.  Yesterday was the first morning I awoke and thought, "this just might be fun."  

The packing is well under way and lists are being stroked off one by one.  This in itself allows some breathing space for me; specifically having all my diabetes supplies, phone numbers, printouts, etc and medications 99% packed.  I can do this, I remind myself.

I'm also adding some other reminders.  In many ways it resembles a posture of gratitude but it's also a way to reframe the realities of my fears and worries and challenges.  Because these are realities--for me.  Yet I can add to this list with another another set of realities which provide a more holistic picture of this adventure.

Reality--Flying creates fear in me

Additional Reality--I get to exercise courage in the face of fear

Reality--Traveling with Diabetes is stressful

Additional Reality--I get to leave home and be equipped with the latest insulin pump and sensor technology, a back-up pump and a 24 hour hotline available

Reality--Traveling from place to place is a stretch for me

Additional Reality --I get to experience so much more of Scotland this way

Reality--I'm concerned about family harmony

Additional Reality--I get to practice "letting go" and growing in a way which enables me to be okay with awkward tension now and then 

God and I have had long conversations about this upcoming trip.  As always, He faithfully walks this path with me and step by step strengthens my wobbly legs.

My verse for this adventure comes from one of His intimate love letters to me--Psalm 139.  Most of this Psalm pours forth the all consuming love and all encompassing presence of my God.  Verse 3 stands out boldly--

"You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do."

Wherever I am my God is with me.  What a comforting and strengthening reality.

When She Comes Home

There are many of us out there but none with whom I cross paths with on an ongoing basis.  We are Mama's whose adult children from across the miles come "home" to visit for a period of time.  Conversely, my girl lives in the world of adult daughters who pack a suitcase once or twice a year to return to their roots.  It's an entire universe nuanced with excitement and struggle, confusion, tears, rest and leisure, expectations met...or not.  We're not quite sure how to navigate this all yet.  There doesn't seem to be a blueprint for us and perhaps there never will be.  Maybe we will just always need to let it unfold and pick up the pieces as we go. 

It's almost four years since she packed up her life here and moved cross country.  And yet, there's much of her 'life' that is still here and inevitably gets unearthed each time she comes home.  Returning is such a high of months of anticipation and longing in both of our hearts.  I suppose it makes sense that there will be some inevitable "coming down".  I wonder at how it still seems to catch us by surprise. 

I truly believe we are still transitioning this new life.  An added dimension is my girl growing into adulthood. She left home at 18; left for the mountains at 20.  A few weeks ago she celebrated 24 years of life.  She lives life physically independent from her Dad and I and yet we are still very involved in providing emotional support and assisting with decision making when called upon.  Still, returning to live under her parent's roof triggers all sorts of child and teenage experiences.  I know she struggles with her identity when she spends times here.  At times she's an adult living in a child's memory.  I get that.

This particular coming home was one in which we both felt a little unsure.  She's been processing a lot of her growing up years the past 6 months.  Because of who I am, this has drawn me to process my mothering years.  Overall, this is healthy and wise and good and necessary.  But make no mistake; soul searching and understanding can be grueling even if it is eventually freeing.

Every time she comes home there is always "something" she is bringing with her.  Likewise, I am welcoming her home with my own "something" I am carrying.  Because this is life is it not?  We are almost always in the midst of some piece of life whether it be heavy weight or light.  This time was no different.  We throw ourselves with open arms into the other at the airport and then slowly the layers come off and varying degree of unraveling occur. 

Please hear me!  We have had rich and extended times together; this specific visit we have had more than the usual Mama/daughter time.  I am filled with gratitude for this.  I'm beyond thankful that we have these days and weeks to do life together in the everyday normal way and otherwise.  Just this morning as I sat in my living room praying, I could hear her watching a movie in her bedroom.  These are the moments I take stock of and my heart warms. 

But I am tired.  Emotionally and physically.  Where usually I can take some down time after returns to her cross country home, this one is different.  We leave for Scotland in six days.  Which means I am retreating now in various ways so that renewal and new strength can come.
It feels like we may have both found a more calming rhythm to our days this particular week but who knows. Actually, it's really only today which feels like that!!  We are both highly emotional, reflective, and fairly intense women so things can turn on a dime!!  Lucky Brian!  haha

Before my girl came home she encouraged me to book another Silent Retreat after Scotland noting that she would "turn my world upside down" while she was home.  We both laugh at this.  Because it's true.  But I know that returning home for her brings the same "turning of her world upside down"  and I am a part of this.   Yet we never wish to be without these sequestered crazy and quiet, delightful and stretching times together. 

This is our life when she comes home.

My girl...I love you to the moon and back.