What Was I Thinking???!!!!

It seems as though everyone I speak with is more excited about my traveling to Scotland than I am !!  It’s the sense I have when I compare my insides with their outside expressions.  I think I’m getting there….slowly.  But the reality is—I’m a homebody through and through.  My home is a sanctuary for me.  It’s filled with that which I find calming and cozy and life-giving.  The wood sign on my wall which greets guests as they arrive reflects this—

“Ah, there’s nothing like staying home for real comfort.” 

Jane Austen  

 I simply cherish home.

In addition to my homebody disposition is my low desire or need for adventure.  I suppose for many I am a boring individual yet I am quite content in this skin of mine.  But everyone once and awhile it seems that my memory lapses and/or someone entices me to an outside my comfort zone adventure.  Which is where I am finding myself these last couple of weeks.

WHAT WAS I THINKING???!!!! ....when I said “Yes!” to going to Scotland!!  Haha

I was thinking of the gift it would be for our family to do a vacation together.

I was thinking of what this would mean for Brian to walk the path of his parent’s roots and the rest of us to share in this.

I was thinking this would be a momentous once in a lifetime adventure!

And this is all true…but then reality started to creep in.

Flying is a challenge for my psyche anytime, but across the ocean????!!  Yikes!!!

Traveling with diabetes, while it may be simple for some, it’s very stressful for me.  The preparation alone feels overwhelming and especially when I’m going to another country.  Someone has described living with diabetes as a full time job which means I’m going on a vacation and taking my full time job with me.  It's times like this I wish I could take a leave from the constancy of diabetes management.

When I do travel, I am best when staying in one place.  We will be at 5 different Airbnb’s.  Thankfully we are two nights at each destination which will allow for a morning to sleep in or an afternoon to read leisurely.  

And let's just be honest.  I love our unique and precious family but we all have our idiosyncrasies and preferences and buttons that can be pushed.  Ten days of us and we are bound to run into a wrinkle or two.  But I so dislike conflict and for personal reasons my aversion to it is at an all-time high right now.

There are other aspects involved but suffice it is to say that my anxiety levels have been fairly high these past few weeks--bordering on panic at times.  Yesterday was the first morning I awoke and thought, "this just might be fun."  

The packing is well under way and lists are being stroked off one by one.  This in itself allows some breathing space for me; specifically having all my diabetes supplies, phone numbers, printouts, etc and medications 99% packed.  I can do this, I remind myself.

I'm also adding some other reminders.  In many ways it resembles a posture of gratitude but it's also a way to reframe the realities of my fears and worries and challenges.  Because these are realities--for me.  Yet I can add to this list with another another set of realities which provide a more holistic picture of this adventure.

Reality--Flying creates fear in me

Additional Reality--I get to exercise courage in the face of fear

Reality--Traveling with Diabetes is stressful

Additional Reality--I get to leave home and be equipped with the latest insulin pump and sensor technology, a back-up pump and a 24 hour hotline available

Reality--Traveling from place to place is a stretch for me

Additional Reality --I get to experience so much more of Scotland this way

Reality--I'm concerned about family harmony

Additional Reality--I get to practice "letting go" and growing in a way which enables me to be okay with awkward tension now and then 

God and I have had long conversations about this upcoming trip.  As always, He faithfully walks this path with me and step by step strengthens my wobbly legs.

My verse for this adventure comes from one of His intimate love letters to me--Psalm 139.  Most of this Psalm pours forth the all consuming love and all encompassing presence of my God.  Verse 3 stands out boldly--

"You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do."

Wherever I am my God is with me.  What a comforting and strengthening reality.