Oh beloved Scotland

"What shall I render to the LORD

For all His benefits toward me?"

--Psalm 116:12

These words came to mind so often as my family and I traveled throughout the beautiful country of Scotland.  To be transported from my world of anxiety and stress and doubt about how I would fare on a trip of this scale, to what seemed like another world still seems incomprehensible.  I know there is much I could unpack here but I won't.  Instead I will plunge into a pictorial tribute to my Creator who fashioned such a beautiful country and my Shepherd who spoke to me through the wonder of it all.

The Lord IS my Shepherd         Psalm 23
 

My four loves (baby makes four)

Cam is down there!

Steall Waterfall, Fort William

Ashley climbing Old Man of Storr

Beautiful Portree

Swimming in the Fairy Pools

A windy day!!!!!!!

 Urquart Castle

We left the guys to climb the Cairngorm!

"Heather"

One of the greenhouses at Balmoral Castle

Mmmmm the scent of lavender

I restrained from adding the other 20 pics I have of flowers!!!

Balmoral Castle

St. Andrew's by the sea

Spent lots of time with my girl before she left on her 2 1/2 month European travels

A happy moment for this golfer!!!!

Madras Women's College (High school)--Brian's Mom

Brian's cousin Anne and husband Bill (Dundee)

Brian's father's home for first three years of life.

First apartment/home of Brian's parents

Edinburgh Castle

The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo

Front and Centre--Brian's brother Graeme--Pipe Band Major for the RCMP band in Ottawa--playing in the Tattoo which we took  in on our last night.  A perfect Grand Finale!!!

 

"What shall I render to the LORD for all of his benefits toward me?"
Psalm 116:12

What Was I Thinking???!!!!

It seems as though everyone I speak with is more excited about my traveling to Scotland than I am !!  It’s the sense I have when I compare my insides with their outside expressions.  I think I’m getting there….slowly.  But the reality is—I’m a homebody through and through.  My home is a sanctuary for me.  It’s filled with that which I find calming and cozy and life-giving.  The wood sign on my wall which greets guests as they arrive reflects this—

“Ah, there’s nothing like staying home for real comfort.” 

Jane Austen  

 I simply cherish home.

In addition to my homebody disposition is my low desire or need for adventure.  I suppose for many I am a boring individual yet I am quite content in this skin of mine.  But everyone once and awhile it seems that my memory lapses and/or someone entices me to an outside my comfort zone adventure.  Which is where I am finding myself these last couple of weeks.

WHAT WAS I THINKING???!!!! ....when I said “Yes!” to going to Scotland!!  Haha

I was thinking of the gift it would be for our family to do a vacation together.

I was thinking of what this would mean for Brian to walk the path of his parent’s roots and the rest of us to share in this.

I was thinking this would be a momentous once in a lifetime adventure!

And this is all true…but then reality started to creep in.

Flying is a challenge for my psyche anytime, but across the ocean????!!  Yikes!!!

Traveling with diabetes, while it may be simple for some, it’s very stressful for me.  The preparation alone feels overwhelming and especially when I’m going to another country.  Someone has described living with diabetes as a full time job which means I’m going on a vacation and taking my full time job with me.  It's times like this I wish I could take a leave from the constancy of diabetes management.

When I do travel, I am best when staying in one place.  We will be at 5 different Airbnb’s.  Thankfully we are two nights at each destination which will allow for a morning to sleep in or an afternoon to read leisurely.  

And let's just be honest.  I love our unique and precious family but we all have our idiosyncrasies and preferences and buttons that can be pushed.  Ten days of us and we are bound to run into a wrinkle or two.  But I so dislike conflict and for personal reasons my aversion to it is at an all-time high right now.

There are other aspects involved but suffice it is to say that my anxiety levels have been fairly high these past few weeks--bordering on panic at times.  Yesterday was the first morning I awoke and thought, "this just might be fun."  

The packing is well under way and lists are being stroked off one by one.  This in itself allows some breathing space for me; specifically having all my diabetes supplies, phone numbers, printouts, etc and medications 99% packed.  I can do this, I remind myself.

I'm also adding some other reminders.  In many ways it resembles a posture of gratitude but it's also a way to reframe the realities of my fears and worries and challenges.  Because these are realities--for me.  Yet I can add to this list with another another set of realities which provide a more holistic picture of this adventure.

Reality--Flying creates fear in me

Additional Reality--I get to exercise courage in the face of fear

Reality--Traveling with Diabetes is stressful

Additional Reality--I get to leave home and be equipped with the latest insulin pump and sensor technology, a back-up pump and a 24 hour hotline available

Reality--Traveling from place to place is a stretch for me

Additional Reality --I get to experience so much more of Scotland this way

Reality--I'm concerned about family harmony

Additional Reality--I get to practice "letting go" and growing in a way which enables me to be okay with awkward tension now and then 

God and I have had long conversations about this upcoming trip.  As always, He faithfully walks this path with me and step by step strengthens my wobbly legs.

My verse for this adventure comes from one of His intimate love letters to me--Psalm 139.  Most of this Psalm pours forth the all consuming love and all encompassing presence of my God.  Verse 3 stands out boldly--

"You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do."

Wherever I am my God is with me.  What a comforting and strengthening reality.

When She Comes Home

There are many of us out there but none with whom I cross paths with on an ongoing basis.  We are Mama's whose adult children from across the miles come "home" to visit for a period of time.  Conversely, my girl lives in the world of adult daughters who pack a suitcase once or twice a year to return to their roots.  It's an entire universe nuanced with excitement and struggle, confusion, tears, rest and leisure, expectations met...or not.  We're not quite sure how to navigate this all yet.  There doesn't seem to be a blueprint for us and perhaps there never will be.  Maybe we will just always need to let it unfold and pick up the pieces as we go. 

It's almost four years since she packed up her life here and moved cross country.  And yet, there's much of her 'life' that is still here and inevitably gets unearthed each time she comes home.  Returning is such a high of months of anticipation and longing in both of our hearts.  I suppose it makes sense that there will be some inevitable "coming down".  I wonder at how it still seems to catch us by surprise. 

I truly believe we are still transitioning this new life.  An added dimension is my girl growing into adulthood. She left home at 18; left for the mountains at 20.  A few weeks ago she celebrated 24 years of life.  She lives life physically independent from her Dad and I and yet we are still very involved in providing emotional support and assisting with decision making when called upon.  Still, returning to live under her parent's roof triggers all sorts of child and teenage experiences.  I know she struggles with her identity when she spends times here.  At times she's an adult living in a child's memory.  I get that.

This particular coming home was one in which we both felt a little unsure.  She's been processing a lot of her growing up years the past 6 months.  Because of who I am, this has drawn me to process my mothering years.  Overall, this is healthy and wise and good and necessary.  But make no mistake; soul searching and understanding can be grueling even if it is eventually freeing.

Every time she comes home there is always "something" she is bringing with her.  Likewise, I am welcoming her home with my own "something" I am carrying.  Because this is life is it not?  We are almost always in the midst of some piece of life whether it be heavy weight or light.  This time was no different.  We throw ourselves with open arms into the other at the airport and then slowly the layers come off and varying degree of unraveling occur. 

Please hear me!  We have had rich and extended times together; this specific visit we have had more than the usual Mama/daughter time.  I am filled with gratitude for this.  I'm beyond thankful that we have these days and weeks to do life together in the everyday normal way and otherwise.  Just this morning as I sat in my living room praying, I could hear her watching a movie in her bedroom.  These are the moments I take stock of and my heart warms. 

But I am tired.  Emotionally and physically.  Where usually I can take some down time after returns to her cross country home, this one is different.  We leave for Scotland in six days.  Which means I am retreating now in various ways so that renewal and new strength can come.
It feels like we may have both found a more calming rhythm to our days this particular week but who knows. Actually, it's really only today which feels like that!!  We are both highly emotional, reflective, and fairly intense women so things can turn on a dime!!  Lucky Brian!  haha

Before my girl came home she encouraged me to book another Silent Retreat after Scotland noting that she would "turn my world upside down" while she was home.  We both laugh at this.  Because it's true.  But I know that returning home for her brings the same "turning of her world upside down"  and I am a part of this.   Yet we never wish to be without these sequestered crazy and quiet, delightful and stretching times together. 

This is our life when she comes home.

My girl...I love you to the moon and back.

Family

There's a heaping amount of richness in my life right now and it's all spelled out in "family."

Last weekend my hubby and I were given the go ahead to share the exciting news that we are going to be grandparents!!!!  It still feels surreal!!!  We have known since beginning of May which has felt like a long time to keep such delightful secret.  And yet there was a part of this which held its own fun in carrying within this "tiny" but momentous piece of news.  But now...ahhhh, now I don't have to guard my words and try to steer a conversation in another direction.  Now I can freely let this joy flow out into the circles of life around me. 

It will be seven years July 14 when Cam and Sonya got married.  Their life and love is deep and beautiful, godly and inspiring.  I can't wait to witness and share in this new season of their lives together.  They will be incredible parents.

Three days ago my across-the-country-girl came "home".  I LOVE the "arrivals" section at the airport.  It never gets old for me to see her for the first time after getting off the plane.  She's settled into "her room" as only Ashley can.  haha  We've had an impromptu dash to the mall which fills me.  Not the mall!!!  It's the sheer freedom of being able to just pick up and go--because we can.  Technology provides us with continual communication but it can't bridge the proximity gap of miles upon miles.  So right now I'm excited when I wake up because I know I will see her when she rolls out bed.  We can sit around the table and share a meal and talk about anything.  She can call for me from her bedroom and I leave whatever I'm doing to come.  Because I can.  For three weeks I get to do this.

 

 

And then--the five of us--well actually six with baby:) will board a plan and fly to Scotland for 10 days.  That we get to do this is a gift and privilege and probably a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  We've booked our Air BnB's and chosen some of our "must see" places.  That Scotland is the home of Brian's parents makes this adventure very close to home for him and for the rest of us to be a part of.  Our grand finale evening will be taking in the first performance of the Edinburgh tatoo at the Edinburgh Castle.  Brian's brother Graeme will be there performing with the RCMP Pipe band from Ottawa.  Crazy exciting. 

From there we all go our separate ways: 
Ashley traveling in Europe for several months before an October stop-over here and then returning to her cross-the- country-home,
Cam and Sonya a few days stopover in England before home and
Brian and I heading home direct. 

This is the part I want to put off as long as possible.  Because I relish the time of being a family...together.  It's what my Mama heart misses when we're apart. and when we get to be together it saturates my spirit.  So right now, in these brief but drinking-in-kind-of-days I will live in the joy of having my girl home, and experiencing this extravagance of traveling together as a family unit. 

And when it's time for the farewell--I will save it for the departure section of the airport.