Unprepared

"...we are most prepared for Christ,

for Christmas, when we confess 

we are mostly not prepared.

Rest here.

There is only room in us

when we are done with us."

--Ann Voskamp

"The Greatest Gift"

I started early

planned wisely

so sure that this year I would arrive at today

and have my soul

prepared

I see now the arrogance

that somehow 

this is all dependent on my doing

that with time set aside

and a heart desiring to be awakened

somehow

I would be ready for my Lord

But now

with clearer vision

I 

see

Him

This holy God

emptying His glory

for my vain attempts

at 

holding on to "my glory"

My efforts are as filthy rags

my preparations so lacking

I come to the manger

aware of my emptiness

longing for Him

to fill my own womb-space

with

Himself

El Shaddai

I rest in You

I worship You

 

Glory

"And the Word became flesh

and dwelt among us

and we beheld His glory,

glory as of the only begotten

from the Father

full of grace and truth."

--John 1:14

Not distant and unapproachable

but tiny fingers... toes

and that baby-fresh scent

No longer housed in a tabernacle

out of reach

but indwelling the babe

the God-man

and 

yes,

now indwelling me!

You bid me shed and surrender

the glory I horde for myself

that I may 

be blinded

by Yours

Continue Your emptying of me

that there might be a filling

to overflowing

 of Your grace and truth

What Child is This?

I am struck with new intensity

this mystery of God taking on human flesh

divinity co-mingling with humanity

Emmanuel has become

my sympathizing High Priest!

Oh praise be!

Tempted yes...

but without sin!

Understanding my human condition yes...

yet...

the Giver of mercy

the Extender of Grace

for my every need.

I am humbled, grateful, in awe of this

indescribable gift!

"Why lies He in such mean estate,

Where ox and ass are feeding?

Good Christian, fear:  for sinners here

The silent Word is pleading:

Nails, spear, shall pierce Him through,

The cross be borne, for me, for you:

Hail, hail the Word made flesh,

The Babe, the Son of Mary"

--William C. Dix

"What Child is This?"

Advent

It is here!

The season of waiting, reflection, anticipation--

Advent

My soul is on tiptoes, eagerly awaiting His arrival

Abba Father...Daddy...

raise me up upon Your shoulders

that nothing obscures my vision

of the coming Christ.

His Plan

"...I offer all I am,

for the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong.

Help me be

Help me."

--Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)

Chris Eaton/Amy Grant

We can only surmise the journey Mary's heart was on

as the reality of her interrupted life took hold.

It couldn't have been easy,

yet there's no indication from scripture

that she complained, protested or in any way desired to shirk God's ask of her.

But rather...

pondering, praising, surrendering,

and offering herself

"for the mercy of His plan."

I fall far short of a like comparison,

yet I too have faced my own life- interruptions--

forever changing the landscape

I had planned.

And yes,

much pondering, praising and surrendering

was going on in my heart

But an equal, if not more amount of

questions, despair, confusion, even anger

was woven throughout.

My own heart's journey

was not the nice and tidy portrayal

that was Mary's.

God, in His mercy

chooses each of us

for a plan beyond our comprehension.

Our willingness to lay ourselves on the altar of surrender is key.

I continue to grow in my own understanding of "the mercy of His plan",

to acknowledge His sovereign ways,

and His perfect love for me.

 

How has God interrupted your life?

How is He interrupting it...

even today?

"...I offer all I am,

for the mercy of Your plan

Help me be strong

Help me be

Help me."

"There is hardly anyone in the civilized world--

particularly those who do just a little more every day

than they really have strength to perform--

who has not at some time

regarded bed as a refuge."

--J.E. Buckrose (1923)

Is is just me?

Am I the only one who gets caught in this trap?

Each day

trying to do a little more than I have

"strength to perform".

I'm in the process of endeavoring to reel myself

back in again

It's always so subtle--

how it entangles me so

Just one more errand

or two

Another email, text message, card

The Christmas season always tugs extra hard

at my heartstrings

So much pain in the lives of dear people

and I long to just reach out

with a comforting hand

even for a moment

But my own limited self

is quickly reminded--

I'm unable to alleviate the suffering of so many

And so I sit in the quiet

with God

who centers me again

and sends His Spirit through a friend

to share the wise words of 

Henri Nouwen--

"It is Jesus who heals,

not I."

Then--

Grace

Grace to cover all of my striving and
struggle and
discouragement

Grace to cover the hurt of so many

Pure

everflowing

grace  

Preparing Him Room

Preparation began a month ago

Such a grace from God this was--

 my soul needed--

yes needed

 some extensive purging 

so that I had room

for the Christ

this Christmas

I so yearned to move through

 Christmas

with a heart that was free

to wait for and anticipate His coming 

Not cluttered 

with so much "other"

or pressured

with too much "doing"

But 

aware

and

focused

and

wise

and

centered 

on 

the One who is coming

His coming is to set us free!!

He has already begun.

Beautiful

“"Ye may yourself ebb and flow,

rise and fall,

wax and wane;

but your Lord is this day as he was yesterday;

and it is your comfort that your salvation

is not rolled upon wheels of your own making,

neither have ye to do with a Christ of your own shaping."

--Samuel Rutherford 

Overwhelmed

Elohim

God my Creator

Master Designer

of every intricate part of my being

Perfect in forming

 the very essence of who I am

and 

who I'm not

And yet I

lament

and 

complain

and

wish

and

want

a different me

a 

me without defects

and

 limitations

and

disabilities

because I fail to remember

and 

believe

and

trust

You, my Creator's Words--

"and it was very good"

El Elyon

God most High

Sovereign over all

over life

and

death

and

health

and 

sickness

and 

governments

and nations

Sovereign over all

And yet I

doubt

and

question

and 

blame

and

wonder

"WHAT...

in the name of God 

are You doing"??!!

because I 

am so earthly minded

and

self-focused

and 

faithless

in

You,

God Most High

Sovereign over all 

"Elohim, my Creator, Perfect Designer...

I'm overwhelmed

with 

You --

Bring me to that place of contentment

in who I am...

El Elyon, my God Most High, Sovereign over all...

I'm overwhelmed,

overwhelmed 

with

You

Lead me to that place of contentment

amidst all of the circumstances of life."

Rant

It"s been simmering under the surface for a time

Last night it erupted

At first it was just this overwhelming anxiety

about Christmas

and my "list".

And I started asking--

"What if I DON"T make Christmas cards this year?"

"What if I downsize decorating?"

"What if I forgo the 'extra' gifting?"

"How about gift cards for all except my family?"

etc,etc.

But it didn't stop there...

Within minutes I was heaving sobs

as one after another

of life's responsibilities struck me

with intensity

Working out at the gym,

daily exercise to strengthen my lower back,

my neverending healthy eating regimen,

laundry and meals and cleaning and errands

and just getting out of bed every morning

to do the same thing

over

and 

over

and

over

again

I've decided I want a holiday from being a grown-up!!!!!

Adding to this spewing of emotion

was all of the areas of 

remembering

and 

giving

and 

encouraging

and caring

which are most often

life-giving for me

but perhaps not today...

or 

maybe even tomorrow

I'm feeling very much like the writer Solomon

in Ecclesiastes 

as he talks about

the futility of labor...

the futility of life!!

My spirit is being drawn to Chapter 3

where he talks about

"a time for everything".

And I'm wondering if I'm moving into a new season

for a time--

Instead of planting, is it a time to uproot what is planted? 

Is it a time to throw away instead of keep?

A time to tear apart, and not sew together? 

I'm wondering....

But there is one thing I'm not wondering...

"It is well...with me"

 

 

"What shall I render to the Lord

for all of His benefits to me?"

--Psalm 116:12