"Unanswered prayer protects us.

It breaks us, 

deepens us, 

exposes us, 

and transforms us.

Ironically, the unanswered prayers of the past,

which so often leave us feeling hurt, abandoned, and disillusioned,

serve as a refiner's fire that prepare us 

for

the unanswered prayers of the future,

if we are willing to look deep into the darkness of our own souls

and persist in prayer when there doesn't seem to be any reason to."

"When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer"

Jerry Sittser   

I'm Not Able

These are humbling days for me.

Difficult... at times overwhelming... strenuous- in -spirit days.

I'm learning that "I'm not able on my own".

That may sound absurd to many who were fortunate enough to recognize this reality long ago.  But I'm a slow learner.  I have long been one to hold tightly to people or situations even though all is beyond my control.  And it is to my detriment.  I'm so aware of this, but still...oh how this heart of mine aches for the heartaches of so many.

I yearn to soothe the pain, to comfort the broken, to care for the weary, to encourage the discouraged, to walk with the wounded.  And I am able...in meager ways.  But not in the mammoth fashion the my heart pleads to do.

Within the past weeks, a disproportionate amount of aching hearts seems to have come across my path.  So much so that I have had to make some hard choices.  I will either over extend myself and forfeit my own well being, or I must start to live within my limitations.  For sure there is a degree by which I already live within my limited being, but I am aware of an entirely new level where this is needed.

In the midst of these days of decision making, I have Need to Breath's song, "I'm Not Able"  running through my mind.

 There's a host of hurts we come across

None of which alike

From the air inside the birthing room

To the darkness where we die

Though I feel I'm just as strong as any man I know

I'm not able on my own

Carry round the secrets

Only heaven knows

Crawl into our darkened rooms where only victims go

Though I feel I'm strong enough to carry all this load

I'm not able on my own

Oh I want to be strong enough...to carry the load of so many.  But I am so desperately limited and weak and... completely unable to do this on my own.

There is only one Healer

There is only 0ne Rescuer

Only One who is Limitless

Only One who is able.

I am slowly relinquishing this nebulous control I naively think I have.  I am at the edges of freedom as I release loved ones into His proficient care.  I am in the beginning stages of walking this new path of being honest about my inability to meet needs, acknowledging and accepting the reality of letting others down, and of having my heart plunge into a greater trust with the One who is able.

It's a wise, humble, good place for me to be.

"Broken things have been on my mind lately

because so much has broken...

in the lives of the people I love--

hearts, health, confidence.

...our preacher Veronica said recently

that this is life's nature:

that lives and hearts get broken--

those of people we love,

those of people we'll never meet.

She said that the world sometimes feels

like the waiting room of 

the emergency ward and that we who are

more or less OK for now

need to take the tenderest possible care

of the more wounded people 

in the waiting room,

until the Healer comes.

'You sit with people,' she said,

'you bring them juice and graham crackers.'"

--Anne Lamott

"Traveling Mercies" 

Waiting for the Healer...

 

Blooming

 How is it...

that my Gerber Daisies

have more luscious, looking blooms 

in these brisk days of Autumn,

than during the 

"bloom'n days" of summer? 

 

 Perhaps her shades of peachy-pink

are best expressed with the

artistic brush of

harsher, unseasonable temperatures, 

  

 The same seems true for my own life.

Although I long for lazier days of living

where calm and serenity

are my  bosom friends...

 

 it is the unsettling "weather-strewn-days"

that cause me to bend and stretch and lean into

the Son...

these are my days of earnest growing

 

which I pray leads to

a life of fuller, richer

blooms 

Thanksgiving

When I first learned that it was just to be the 3 of us spending Thanksgiving at Eden, there was a sadness in my spirit.  Don't get me wrong...I love the 3 of us.  Brian, Ashley and I have become "3 peas in a pod" so to speak and thoroughly enjoy our time together.  But not having Cam and Sonya with us...or my other two siblings and their families who share ownership of our cottage, was going to be very different.  For years now, the tradition has been that we spend Thanksgiving together, relishing our last few days of the season at this haven and then closing everything up for the winter.

This past week, I began to see how just the three of us might be a blessing in disguise.  Ashley has mostly recovered from Mono, but some extra rest would still be wise.  And playing catch up with homework was still big on her list of things to do.  Myself?  It was becoming more and more apparent that semi-solitude, quiet and rest was what I needed.  And Brian is very much one who appreciates the quiet.

So on Friday afternoon, we packed up the van, picked Ashley up from school and headed to Eden.

The weather was perfect.  Some rain, some sun, howling wind and calm and brisk air.  It's autumn!!!  The wood stove kept us comfy cozy:)  We ate and slept and read and prayed and practiced guitar and plugged away at homework.  I am so very grateful for these days of respite with my hubby and daughter.

Tomorrow I can't wait to see Cam and Sonya and celebrate Thanksgiving with Brian's family.

How many pictures of Autumn can one take?  As many as one desires:) 

Mono

Oh my Sweet Pea Ashley...this was sooooo not what I had envisioned for the start of your Grade 12 year!!!!

Yes, life has thrown a bit of a curve ball into our home, but more specifically into Ashley's life.  Yesterday we received the confirmed diagnosis of Mono.  Sigh.

It was a week ago Monday that she began feeling unwell--chills and sweats, achy, headaches, and of course tired.  But she kept pushing through her week, which, I might add, was a very busy one.  By Friday she was also experiencing congestion and an increasingly sore throat.  Bed has been her friend since Friday night other than for meals, baths, and a trip to the Dr. on Monday.

So  here we are.  In the land of the unknown and unpredictable.  Everyone's experience with Mono is very unique in not only the symptoms but the length of rest required.  My girl has been quite sick and has not improved with the exception of the pain and swelling in her throat having decreased somewhat.  Interestingly, her exhaustion does not necessarily mean endless sleep.  Most of the day she is unable to sleep, yet feels whipped.  Tomorrow, she will have missed a week of school.

And yes, this is concerning, with the reality of a heavy course load this semester and University on the horizon.  I am going to pick up homework tomorrow, which will have been submitted by her teachers to Guidance, but at this point, she has only been able to focus for 20 minutes a couple of times the entire week.  I know she has "plans" to get lots accomplished on the weekend, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. 

Proverbs 3:5,6 were the words of truth that came to me yesterday and have been permeating my thoughts.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And do not lean on your own understanding,

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths."

It's what I need to be reminded of right now.  Our understanding is so very limited.  Trusting in God is my greatest strength.  And practically speaking???  Acknowledging Him in all that we are facing is an exercise I need to be active in.

He  is Healer,

Wise,

Our Shepherd who protects and guides our life path

Powerful,

Sovereign,

Good,

Provider

Merciful...

That which has been thrust into Ashley's life, was not a surprise to Him. I just love that!!!

For now, I am endeavoring to recognize the One who holds Ashley in the palm of His hand.  

In the meantime, this Mama Nurse and Caregiver is fluffing up pillows, filling glasses with water, lemon and ice cubes and making Rolo McFlurry and Dunkaroo runs.

Transitioning

Perhaps "transitioning" is an ill-chosen title to use for any post since life is always changing.  We are always in the midst of hellos or goodbyes, gains and losses, joys and sorrows.  But for sure there are time when our days are more extreme in this area.

Like these days I am in.

It's ironic that early yesterday morning I was mentally noting how smooth the past few days had been and then, WHAM!!!  I got blindsided by so much all at once.

We are in daily conversation here in our home about the topic of university.  Some days our talks are calm, merely exchanging information.  Yesterday there was just a little more horsepower added as I listened to my daughter make her case once again for a university VERY FAR FROM HOME.  And although we have said "no" with some very solid reasons, this leaves out a very large element of faith on our part and limits the risk taking and adventure aspects which is desired on her part.

So this afternoon we gave our blessing for her to apply.

That is just one topic of conversation.  There were three other major discussions I was engaged in over various stages of transitioning that I am being faced with.

But isn't it just like God to meet me here.

Here in my feelings of insecurity, aloneness, fear...sadness.

My time with God this morning centered around a reading entitled, "To Live is to Love" by Dan Moseley
Some of what he shares is this:  "If we lose one part of our life, we become open to another part...when something disappears, it opens space for something else.  Loss opens new space with regard to faith as well."

His words are wise and true and although I am very much in the middle of "losing and opening", I value his eyes which are able to see both spectrum's.  

The verse I chose for this year remains taped above my kitchen sink and continues to be one which draws me back to the One who is walking this journey with me and is my provision and foundation.  "And may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ."  2 Thessalonians 3:5

I took this picture at Eden this past August.

It's a mud puddle.  Yep...a very large mud puddle on the road I was taking a walk on.  And although mud puddles are not often thought of as a treasured piece to photograph, I was struck by the reflection coming off this dirty pit of water.

And it reminds me of where I am right now in these days and months of transitioning.  There is the reality that aspects of my life are not so pleasant.  The waters are murky and often block the path I had hoped to be traveling on or had hoped my loved ones would travel on.  At times there is just nothing pretty about it.  But if I allow my eyes to look beyond the muck and mire, I can see beauty.  I can admire growth and courage and a spirit of pursuit.  I am able to give thanks for family and understanding, grace and open communication.  And if I look with eyes of faith I can see Him and a future brimming with hope and possibilities and His never-leaving-me-alone-Presence.

Both the mud and the beauty are realities.  Sometimes I will sit in that puddle and some days I will gaze in it's reflection.  Because that is who I am.

But I will pray...always I will pray...

"God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time,

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace."

--The Serenity Prayer 

Final Album?????

I was not writing a blog when my son was born.  In fact I'm not even sure there was such a thing 20 years ago, but if there was, I am sure you would have seen a running pictorial of his life from very early on.

You would think that as our children mature...especially as they enter adulthood, we Mama's could put the camera away.  But I am coming to believe I will never tire of capturing the stories of their lives.  I am "in love" with my children...who they are...who they are becoming.  Insatiably so.

And while another post of wedding pics may becoming oh so (yawn) boring for you, I can pore over print after print and not grow weary.  I relive the moments and feast on the emotion of two people celebrating a great love.  

Doubtfully I will post the 300 plus pictures taken by their professional photographer, Zach, but for sure I will stow away a good portion of them in an album for my livingroom.  And you are welcome to peruse them any time:)