"This Life They Built" Guest Post

https://ashleyogilvie.com/2020/03/01/this-life-they-built/

"A Time to keep and a time to throw away"

"You remember too much,

my mother told me recently.

Why hold onto all that?

And I said,

Where do I put it down?"

--Anne Carson

"The Glass Essay"

My girl shared these words with me a number of years ago.  She felt they described herself which is true.  But she comes by it honestly because for better and/or worse, I mirror these words.

It's almost three weeks since Mom breathed her last on earth.  The days have been an overwhelming, painful blur...until yesterday.  

Yesterday after lunch I drove to the home of my Spiritual Director, managing to make it through the door to "my chair" before I dissolved in tears.  

"I'm a mess," I cried.  And the turmoil within spilled into that room while she sat quietly, patiently, empathically, listening...holding it all with care.

So much unfolded the last four days of Mom's life.  The last two days I spent chunks of time caring for her.   And yes I remember too much of all the moments, the suffering, the decisions, the circumstances.  I remember her words, my words, the words of others.  I remember it all and I have held on to it all--because--where do I put it down???  

Slowly, gently, courageously, Ingrid began to speak into my "too much".  They were words of validation, truth, challenge, hope and direction.  It was as though the Spirit spoke through her to disarm me, to make space in my mind and spirit to see and understand what I had been unable to.

For the first time I felt like I might survive this...that life is still grace...that there is a path forward...that I finally have a place to "put it all down."

The days ahead will be times of sifting through the moments of Mom's final days...it will be a time to keep and a time to throw away.   And the Spirit will guide the journey.

A Time to Die -- January 30, 2020

"For everything there is a season, 
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born 
     and a time to die...
A time to cry 
     and a time to laugh...
A time to grieve
     and a time to dance...
A time to be quiet 
     and a time to speak...
He has planted eternity in the human heart,
     but even so,
people cannot see the whole scope of God's work
from beginning to end." 
Excerpts from Ecclesiastes 3:1,2a,4,7b

I am doing all of this Mom...it's still so hard to believe you are gone.  I miss you, love you, but so so grateful you are whole and free in every possible way. 

The Wonder of the Small

The following I share with gratitude to Michelle Karr, a hope*writer from Southwestern Ontario.  She speaks with a profound "knowing" of the interweaving of heartache and joy; something I am living in as well. You can follow her writing journey at instagram.com/thewonderofthesmallwhere she shares her reflections on motherhood and the beauty of Christ in the midst of our everyday ordinary.

"Last year at this time we were preparing to learn how to make space for holding both sorrow and joy - a lesson that comes best with life experience, and a lesson we continued to learn throughout the year.  December saw Christmas cards blended in amongst sympathy cards. January finds us holding sympathy cards and grief in one hand...birthday cards and celebration in another.  Before 2019 I think I had a clear divide in my mind of times of sorrow and times of joy - life hadn't yet taught me that at times the two will co-exist.  The soul can make space for both.  Tears can intermingle with laughter.  You don't need to fear or avoid one in favor of the other - they both just simply need to be lived and authentically experienced for what they are.

This week I find myself writing thank you cards for meals, for donations, and for flowers, while also shopping for a birthday meal, birthday decorations and a big "1" candle that will garnish our little girl's first birthday cake.
Yet again we will experience the depths of sorrowful times in the midst of joy, and joy in the midst of sorrow.  We will eat cake and shed tears.  We will reflect on what will never be and celebrate all that is.  And we will remember and thank our great God who is in the midst of it all."

A Time to be born --Seaton Tadeo

Seaton Tadeo

Sunday January 5, 2020 2:18 am  7lb.2oz

Born at Home

I have been hearing for years of the absolute joy of being a grandparent.  The oft repeated quote--"If I had known grandchildren were this much fun I would have had them first!" has not been grasped--until now.  Now--I gaze upon, snuggle, kiss and simply bask in the beauty of this sweet baby boy and I am completely undone and captured by this incredible life-changing experience.  

Seaton's Grandad is completely "taken" by him also and I have enjoyed watching my husband relish moments of time with this fresh-from-God gift.

 

 

   I feast eyes upon this treasure, remembering 27 years ago with my firstborn--Seaton's Daddy and I am so deeply grateful to be part of this new generational story.

How I enjoy watching these two grow into this new family.  Never were there doubts of the wonderful parents they would be, but oh my, how fun and moving it is to see them mother and father their son.  It is equally beautiful  to observe my son care for his wife.  I'm enraptured and grateful for it all.

Seaton Tadeo--

so well prayed over 

 perfectly and divinely created

I watch as you

stretch and squirm and rest tiny hands in all manner of poses

I listen as you

murmur and squeak and cry and sigh and yawn and

make countless facial expressions 

When I am with you my "other" world ceases to exist

When I walk out the door to come home

i miss you already

you are a timely, gracious gift for this Nana's heart 

Gift of God, precious child, miracle, my little one. 

Lay your head on my shoulder. 

It seems that it was yesterday that I held your father in my arms just this way. 

You are a sweet blessing to me, a tiny messenger of joy. 

Welcome to this magnificent life.

May God grace you with all things that are good and shield you from all harm. 

May the bonds of our family be your strength. 

May our love be your comfort. 

May our faith sustain you. 

May God be with you, now and always. 

Amen.  

 Naomi Levy

(Grateful thanks to my cousin Lori for sending me this prayer)

A Time for Everything --2020

I confess I don't even think about making a New Year's Resolution anymore.  It's something I moved away from a number of years ago.  Instead I begin asking God during the week of Christmas if there is a word and verse of scripture that I could take to heart over the coming year.  This year it's phrase-- 

"A time for everything"

It's from a familiar passage in the book of Ecclesiastes. 

1For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

2A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

3A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

4A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

6A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

7A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

8A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

9What do people really get for all their hard work?  

10I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.

 11Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. 

He has planted eternity in the human heart, 

but even so, 

people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work 

from beginning to end. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 

Even as I write the words--"a time for everything", I wonder how far I would be willing to stretch this phrase?  Do I truly believe there is a time for everything?  EVERYTHING???!!  And if so, what does this mean? 

I sense that there is a wealth of meaning in simply the word "time" and I don't doubt that if I am wide awake to this I will glean much.

But then to add to this that Solomon proposes that there is "a time for everything" ----- this changes everything.  

Verses 1-8 hold many questions for me.  I am unsure of how to read them, believe them, explain them with some of the horror which life holds.  It's easier for me to skip over some of the phrases and chalk it up as a mystery.  The latter part of verse 11 says this in so many words--

"people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

Ultimately it IS a mystery and cannot be understood by the human heart.  Still, it remains that the title of this chapter is "A time for everything" and it goes on to list many of them.

So I purpose to study and reflect and question and learn and keep turning over and over in my mind and heart this brief portion of God's Word.

For sure I have a faithful Guide.

Christmas--the perfect time

I've heard it often this Christmas season.  I've voiced it countless times myself to others, not only this Christmas but in ones' past. It's this difficult reality that the heartaches of life don't cease just because we are moving through a season of merriment.  And it just all seems so wrong...so untimely that grief and loss and sickness and loneliness still exist.  It all feels so out of place.

I find myself in this unique space these last many weeks.   I thoroughly bask in this season of decorating and card-making,Christmas music, gift buying and this year, I confess I am even watching cheesy Hallmark movies. Yes, it's true.   Often times I find myself enjoying these temporal touches of Christmas and then WHAM!  I'm hit with overwhelming sadness.  We aren't spelling it out in black and white but we all know that this is Mom's last Christmas.   How can there not be this overarching sadness?  Mom is weak and tired and unable to throw herself into Christmas as she once did. It breaks my heart to watch this once vibrant woman fading...
.
So when someone says to me, "I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family this Christmas, I receive it, having that same sense.

And yet...

Could it be any more timely, then at Christmas?  Not the Hallmark version of Christmas, but the Christmas story...the biblical narrative.  Is there ever a time when we need God to be with us more than now??!!

I have so many friends facing pain and loss that the cumulative sadness is sometimes overwhelming.  And it's Christmas... 

Yes!  Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift of Jesus!!  Oh how we need a Savior!  Oh how we need One who truly knows and understands our sorrow!  Oh how we need a refuge in these harsh winds of life!  Oh how we need Jesus to listen to our pain and speak into our confusion and comfort us in our deep sadness...oh how we need Him!

I will still tell you that, "I'm so very sorry that you are moving through heartache this Christmas".  I am deeply saddened that my own family is walking through the "last" of countless things.  But I will also beckon you to embrace, along with me--not the season, but the One who enters into our less than perfect circumstances this Christmas--at the perfect time.

Advent--The Impossible Made Possible

"Mary believed.  She believed the impossible."  

Nancy De Moss Wolgemuth

This is the season where I am always called upon to reflect on Mary.  It was just an ordinary day for her.  She was engaged to be married and perhaps letting her thoughts run away with the excitement and planning of a new life with Joseph.  But I doubt it was anything other than an ordinary day.  Until the angel appeared and asked her to not only believe the impossible but to also receive the impossible.

"The Holy Spirit will come upon you,

and the power of the Most High will overshadow you;

therefore the child to be born will be called holy--

the Son of God...

For nothing will be impossible with God."

Luke 1:35,37

This call to commitment...saying 'Yes' to being the Lord's servant was going to cost her far beyond anything a woman, a fiance, a wife, a mother, could ever imagine.  Mary was a vessel for the "impossible" gift of Jesus.

And so the question ultimately begs to be asked--

What impossible task might God have for me this season?  Is there something He will require of me to believe which will seem impossible?

I think of Mom instantly.  She is faced with what must feel like the impossible task of letting go of this life and embracing the next.  None of us can fully grasp what this means, until we are faced with its reality.  Mom must enter into this question on her own.

For myself, it feels impossible to imagine walking this road as a family.  Impossible in what suffering we may be asked to bear witness to.  Impossible in what it will be like to watch this once vibrant, flamboyant, energetic, creative woman, slowly be betrayed by an army of cancer cells.  Impossible to imagine watching my Dad say goodbye to his second beloved wife.  Impossible to imagine my siblings and I losing Mom--the one who birthed and/or sacrificially loved and mothered each of us throughout our lives.  It seems impossible--yet with God "all things are possible".

I awoke this morning with anticipation for this first Sunday of Advent, anxious to begin these weeks of reflection and longing for the birth of Christ.  I was "expecting" a more peaceful, comfortable beginning to Advent.  Perhaps much like what Mary was expecting on her ordinary day.  I don't know how the coming days will unfold.  How much time Mom has left is unknown; we only know that treatment is finished...her body unable to handle it.  And so we are moving to the next stage...the last stage...hoping Mom can still "live" out her dying peacefully.  But there are no absolutes, no guarantees.  

"Only" a God who does the impossible.  

Sometimes He does this for us 

and sometimes He accomplishes this in us.
He is

our surety
our promise
our hope--

He will always be 

Emmanuel--

God With Us.

Circle of Life

I have often heard individuals speak of the "Circle of Life" long before I was truly able to take it in.
Of course we all know that babies are born and hopefully one day grow into adulthood and then, well, die.  We know this.  But I don't think we embrace this.  Quite the opposite I would suggest.  We have no choice in our birth but somehow we try to convince ourselves that we do have a choice in when we die and we do everything we can possibly think of to avoid it.

Solomon, in the book of Ecclesiastes teaches that if we are wise we will live knowing that everything has a season and that there is indeed "a time to be born and a time to die".3:2a

Yet we know that death was never part of God's plan and is in fact the last enemy of God's to be destroyed. 1 Corinthians 15:26  Perhaps it is in our Eden mindset to seek to avoid death.

The reality is that the Circle of Life is so very strong for me right now.  My daughter-in-law's baby bump continues to grow and with a due date just two months away, the anticipation is expanding in equal proportion!  Every time I see Sonya (and I have to make a conscious effort to greet her lovely face FIRST before her belly) excitement spills out of me!  It continues to be delightfully surreal to think that my son and his wife are having a baby!!  This is the joyous beginning of that circle of life.

But someone I love very much is coming to the end of that circle of life.  Mom's cancer has spread and has been given that dreaded term of Stage Four.  There is the option of Palliative Chemo but it only buys a little more time.  There is no way out of this circle.

So I am back and forth and up and down in the midst of these two extremes.

I am invited to put my hand on Sonya's belly and I swell with squeals of joy.

I hear Mom cough and stare at her small frame at Thanksgiving dinner and know this is her last.

I see Ashley's face as she sees Sonya for the first time in 3 months and watch her eyes get big as she tells of feeling this little one kick.

I mark the dates on my calendar when my Winnipeg sister is coming to Ontario knowing that she's coming to spend time with my parents because time is not standing still.

I daydream a Christmas baby or maybe New Year's and think how it really doesn't matter when this wee one arrives.  I envision holding him/her for the first time and then wonder how much time Mom will have with her first great grandchild.

Even with my hubby's recent ankle surgery and the extra challenges which recovery and mobility issues are adding, I still pretty much know that in short time we will be back to normal.  But with Mom there is no return to "normal".  There is no treatment plan which will cure the disease raging in her body. 

I awaken each morning to new mercies and begin the day with quite often, an earnest desire and energy to fully embrace this new gift.  I'm increasingly mindful that the life I have been stewarded with is pure gift and I am drinking it in.  There is so much that is good and rich and satisfying in my life right now and I am seeking to live out my gratitude with all that I have been given.  This circle of life...the anticipated birth of my first grandchild and the hard, slow dying of my stepmom is where I live right now.  At the risk of making this all sound so simple, there is a part of it that is.  I am learning to move back and forth between the extremes in a quieter sort of way and let it all just "be". If I let this circle of life unfold as God has purposed  I am more free to to embrace the joy and yes the sadness.  I don't want to run from either.  Both the beginning of life and it's ending have much to teach me.

When He speaks to my feelings and my faith...

"The LORD is like a father to his children,

tender and compassionate to those who fear him.

For he knows how weak we are;

he remembers we are only dust.

Our days on earth are like grass;

like wildflowers we bloom and die.

The wind blows, and we are gone--

as though we had never been here.

BUT

the love of the LORD remains forever

with those who fear him."

Psalm 103:13-17

When life takes a hard turn