"A Time to keep and a time to throw away"

"You remember too much,

my mother told me recently.

Why hold onto all that?

And I said,

Where do I put it down?"

--Anne Carson

"The Glass Essay"

My girl shared these words with me a number of years ago.  She felt they described herself which is true.  But she comes by it honestly because for better and/or worse, I mirror these words.

It's almost three weeks since Mom breathed her last on earth.  The days have been an overwhelming, painful blur...until yesterday.  

Yesterday after lunch I drove to the home of my Spiritual Director, managing to make it through the door to "my chair" before I dissolved in tears.  

"I'm a mess," I cried.  And the turmoil within spilled into that room while she sat quietly, patiently, empathically, listening...holding it all with care.

So much unfolded the last four days of Mom's life.  The last two days I spent chunks of time caring for her.   And yes I remember too much of all the moments, the suffering, the decisions, the circumstances.  I remember her words, my words, the words of others.  I remember it all and I have held on to it all--because--where do I put it down???  

Slowly, gently, courageously, Ingrid began to speak into my "too much".  They were words of validation, truth, challenge, hope and direction.  It was as though the Spirit spoke through her to disarm me, to make space in my mind and spirit to see and understand what I had been unable to.

For the first time I felt like I might survive this...that life is still grace...that there is a path forward...that I finally have a place to "put it all down."

The days ahead will be times of sifting through the moments of Mom's final days...it will be a time to keep and a time to throw away.   And the Spirit will guide the journey.