The New Normal

We are already at the end of the first week of March.  Where does the time go??? 

I sit here hoping to write what feels like jumbled thoughts, not sure if they will make any sense or not.  Life continues to feel compartmentalized.  At least I think that is the word or one of the words to describe what my days unfold as. 

It's not just that I have one "new normal".  In every way, shape and form, there are two. 
On January 5th my life exploded with the incredible joy of my first grandchild.
And on January 30th my life imploded with the death of my stepmom.

Those initial days of shock...both of wonder and sadness are gradually settling.  There continue to be wonder and sadness but the shock is less.  There is a new normal emerging.  But these two worlds feel so far removed from one another.  Nothing feels fluid, but rather each seems boxed in its own time and space and I move from one to the other with the door seemingly closing behind me.

The first two part days of this week I spent with Sonya and Seaton.  Pure bliss.  All life fades away in the presence of this burst of new life.  I am enraptured with his first smiles and coo's.  I am utterly and completely present to his warm body snuggled into my chest, feeling his every movement of fresh and beautiful life.  I am enamored with the countless firsts of these precious days.  Present in a way which is all encompassing.

Thursday I went to my Dad's, to join some sibs in cleaning out the pantry and other various tasks.  This world too is fresh and new and overwhelmed with emotion.  I ache for the grief spilling from my father.  I struggle to comprehend that we are actually "doing this".  That we are in the home he and Mom shared for such a brief time, and in essence "downsizing" it to fit his needs alone.  Here too, everything is a first.  Here too I am wholly and entirely present.

I come home to this more neutral ground and wonder if these two new normal's will ever weave together in a smoother pattern.

And then there's Lent.  This season of sacrifice and reflection and even this feels like it's just been dropped into my life and I'm neither absent from its meaning, nor am I fully engaged.
I only know that I feel unfocused...not fully present.

Three days from now I will drive 30 minutes from my home to a place of retreat.  I took a step of faith last spring when I entered the sacred grounds of a three day silent spiritual retreat.  A year ago it felt intimidating, frightening even, to think of a space of time in complete silence, unplugged from the world around me.  This time, I anticipate and long for these secluded, quiet days, knowing that in these days I will be met by my gracious God in ways which will heal me, teach, challenge, free and silence me. 

I don't know if I will return to my new normal's with them beginning to weave together or not.  Perhaps this too is my new normal for now, this sense of somehow living separate lives. 

I expect at some point it will all flow together.  For now, I will be present in what is.