Laugh Lines and Scars

Some years, the anniversary of my mother's death passes quietly.  Other years, like this one, the sadness, the longing erupts, seemingly out of nowhere.

"D-day is just around the corner.

It's the remembering of the invasion

into all that was good in life;

this invasion into my innocence.

It was my garden,

my Eden,

and then it wasn't."

Journal entry April 21/23

I felt it more keenly this year.  A window into a moment in the fragile, catapulted world of my five-year-old self.  I sensed her confusion and aloneness and fear and utter inability to understand why life had fallen apart.  In moments like these, I feel it as a little girl.  I lose the groundedness of being a fully functioning 58 year old woman.

There are parts of me which voice their opinions of this elongated grief journey.

Anger can still rail at the injustice of that fateful night.  Shame shrouds me with, "when are you ever going to get over this?"  Sadness tells me I will never be free.  And on and on they chant.

Always, thankfully, I eventually return to the woman I am today.  It came unexpectedly, late Monday afternoon while reading a quote.

"Every laugh line, every scar,

is a badge I wear to show

I've been present,

the inner rings of my personal tree trunk

that I display proudly for all to see."

--Pat Benetar

Every scar a badge?!

Display proudly for all to see?!

This has not been my go-to mindset.   How different life could look if I framed my loss and this endless grief journey, in such a way!

Many years ago, I chose to be present to my pain.  I know this has informed the trajectory of my life.  I am who I am today because of the laugh lines AND the scars.  Being present has meant deep pain and deep joy.

Within the inner rings of my personal tree trunk, are etched the laugh lines and scars of life.  It's easy for me to wish for only laugh lines.  So often I want to hide the scars.  

I pray for courage to live contented with all of me...laugh lines and scars.

Remembering my mother--April 24, 1970

"I can wish the first story never happened and feel gratitude for the second without either of those sentiments canceling out the other two...

two things can always be true."

Hope Edelman

"The Aftergrief--Finding Your Way Along the Long Arc of Grief"

"Mourning never really ends.

Only as time goes on,

it erupts less frequently."

--Anonymous

Reflections on Grace and Abundance

Wednesday April 5, 2023

Here I am.  The final morning of my three day silent retreat, and the closing days of Lent.

Grace and Abundance.

This was to be my Lenten practice; that which was to frame these past 40 days.  

Grace; unmerited favor.  Christy Nockels sings, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound."  Ahhh, yes, sweet, powerful and welcome.  And a part of me fully and completely desires this grace.  As the lyrics continue, "Grace flows down and covers me,"  I find myself oh so wanting to be drenched in this grace.  

Another part of me, the "doer", the recovering perfectionist, finds it difficult to fathom that I myself, cannot DO SOMETHING to earn the favor of God.  God knows I've tried...exhausted myself at times.  The cycle always returns me spent AND grateful...for grace.  

"This is what the Sovereign LORD,

the Holy One of Israel

says,

'Only in returning to me

and resting in me

will you be saved."

Isaiah 30:15a

And so to Him I return time and again...and rest.  

Grace these past weeks, in large and small ways.  Grace for the sin ever before me.  Grace for my feeble, weary self.  Grace to begin anew, every day.  Grace, that Jesus allowed His betrayal for me.

"From his abundance we have all received,

grace upon grace."

John 1:16

More and more I will determine to live in this grace.

Abundance, the opposite of scarcity.  Jesus gives out of His abundance, his very life, first and foremost.  And then, because He wills not to stop there, He lavishes abundance to me in the dailiness of life.  Abundance, the bliss of my grandchildren, Seaton and Nika.  Abundance, Sabbath rest.  Abundance, snow squalls and cardmaking garage sales.  Why?!  I deserve none of it.  Jesus could have chosen to save me and then leave me struggling til heaven.  He owes me nothing!!  And yet gives and gives and gives, in abundance.

Repeatedly, grace and abundance were woven together.  Truly, can they be separated???

For that which is abundant is indeed grace.  And grace itself is an offering of abundance.

Lent--A Practice of Grace and Abundance

Lent is a challenging observance for one who is a recovering legalist.  Giving up something simply begs of another way to follow the rules which is undeniably not the purpose of Lent.  One of the ways my Spiritual Director framed Lent was like this--"It's not a dreary season, but rather a time of asking, "What did God give up for me?  What is binding me?"  

But what if so much of life is binding?  What if there is still such untangling to be done from the knots of  rigidity?  This is where I found myself in the weeks leading up until Lent.  I petitioned God to reveal to me what it was that I should set aside for 40 days and there was never a response.  The thought occurred to me that perhaps there wasn't an ask.   When I relayed this and other thoughts to my Spiritual Director she began to ask questions:

What stands in the way of freedom?

What does honoring the sacrifice of Jesus look like?

How does living the abundant life look?

If my child was asking, "What do I need to do to honor you?" how would I answer?  

By the end of our session, my spirit had switched from a heaviness to a lift of anticipation.  Maybe Lent this year could be a unique invitation to something more than what is relinquished?

Within days, two words began to resurface.  Grace and Abundance.  And then in an unhurried way the "practice" of grace and abundance began to form.  

On Ash Wednesday I began Lent with Communion and the reading of 1 Corinthians 11:23-26

"For I pass on to you what I received from the Lord himself.  On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it.  Then he broke it in pieces and said, 'This is my body, which is given for you.  Do this in remembrance of me'. In the same way, he took the cup of wine after supper, saying, 'This cup is the new covenant between God and his people--an agreement confirmed with my blood.  Do this in remembrance of me as often as you drink it.  For every time you eat this bread and drink this cup, you are announcing the Lord's death until he comes again.'"

I ended these moments listening to Christy Nockel's sing, "Grace Flows Down".  It became clear to me that I was being directed to continue this daily practice of communion with various music to come alongside.  The passage Paul gave us is rich in meaning and depth and yes, grace.  There is a striking amount to take in.

As the days of Lent unfold, the Spirit informs the expressions of abundance in my everyday life.  Sometimes it's the awareness of warm water pouring from the showerhead, the lather of shampoo through my fingers, the soft towel against my body and I give thanks for abundance.  At other times it's the energy of body and spirit to step in and serve and I give thanks for the abundance of strength and ability in this mortal frame.  The next day, I collapse into the abundance of rest available when I need it.  Still, another time, abundance seeps out of my pores as I sit in my card making studio and create, giving thanks that "I get to do this!"  And on and on the list grows.

Grace and abundance are inextricably linked.  His sacrifice for me, abundant.  His grace, so much greater than all my sin is lavished on me in abundance.  The bounty in my life, a beautiful grace of God and overflowing in abundance.  Grace and abundance build on one another.

Lent is a flowering path for me this year as the Spirit allows me to notice grace and abundance in a myriad of ways.  And it's only just begun.

Remembering

Three years.

It doesn't seem possible for this length of time to have elapsed since my stepmom's home-going.  So much has unfolded without her here to witness.  Still, she lives on in my stored memory and the tangible objects which grace my home.  A dish from the cupboard or recipe from her cookbook speak of the art of cooking scrumptious meals she was so well known for.  A jewelry piece reflects her love of bling and the strikingly stylish way about her.  I suspect I have enough of her stickers to decorate my own cards ad infinitum.  Seaton already uses some, and I imagine Nika, born on her great Nana's birthday, will one day find great delight in them as well.  

It's not uncommon for me to hear her voice in my mind, approving, or not, of something I have done, clothing I purchase, décor I create.  I imagine her queries and outspokenness, her expressive body language and grandiose laughter.  I picture her impeccable handwriting and the lavish table spread she would set out.

Carol Crandell wisely said, "You don't heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes, you heal because of what you do with the time."

My grief was complicated.  Perhaps everyone feels this way but with their own nuances.  Our relationship had broken places.  Rivers of healing had poured over us throughout the years and we gratefully lived it.  And....there remained cracks where the healing waters seeped through.  Investing time and energy to peer into the murkiness and name what I found, has brought fresh healing.  I had wanted more for us.  Feasibly, she did as well.  Today I am largely at peace on this journey, a grace of God.

I'm of the opinion that grief's journey has no end.  It ebbs and flows.  It's quieter, until it's not.  I expect there will be waves that come and go, based on seasons of life, around me and within.  Today, the waters are still...serene.  

Three years.  

With Me

                                                                 

Several weeks ago, when the coming year was still being crowded out by the celebration of Christmas, I adopted my slow, methodical reflective posture.  Actually, it had begun the beginning of Advent when I returned to the previous year's Advent devotional.  Within the pages were my prayers and thoughts, worries and wonders of the closing weeks of 2021.  Rereading, brought up close and personal, a little of what had occupied my body and soul. 

A year later, the unknown days of 2022 are well-known, and I have sifted through some of what transpired.  In those early reflections I began to notice a negativity creeping in; a jaded and yes, anxious feeling towards the year ahead.  It would have been easy to allow this to continue.  It hasn't just been the past 365 days which have worn me.  For a number of years now, there have been copious amounts of grief, stresses, and an over all sense that life is hard.  And so I will allow myself at least the space to acknowledge this. 

Another reality is that I am getting older.  Surprise, surprise!!  Fifty-eight is not far away, and though the number does not bother me, the truth is that life, at this stage, brings with it increasing adversity, in various forms.  Gratefully, so much within my own life is wonderful; it's those near and dear to me facing suffering. This then has a rippling effect on my own life.  And there I am again, not feeling quite ready to embrace another year because after all, it's going to have its share of struggle.  

And what if????

As all of this was filtering through my spirit, the Spirit of God directing me to truths He knew I needed.

"Search for the LORD and for his strength; continually seek him."  Psalm 105:4  

"My Presence will go with you..."  Exodus 33:24

"...for you are close beside me."  Psalm 23:4b

"Do not be afraid or discouraged for the LORD will personally go ahead of you.  He will be with you; he will never fail you nor abandon you."  Deuteronomy 31:8

"You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me."  Psalm 139:5

I am not walking into the new year alone!!  

My God goes "ahead of me",

 he is "with me", 

"beside me", 

"behind and before" me

his "hand upon me"!!

It doesn't get better than this, I thought.

And then it did.

Two days ago a friend was sharing God's work in her own soul and gifted me with this scripture:

"Do not call to mind the former things,

Or ponder things of the past.

Behold, 

I 

will 

do 

something 

new,

Now it will spring forth;

Will you not be aware of it?

I will ever make a roadway in the wilderness,

Rivers in the desert."

Isaiah 43:18,19

Though I have read these words countless times, they came to me fresh and overflowing with hope. These few words are overflowing with an abundance only God provides. 

I have no idea what the coming year holds.  I don't know what joy or sorrow, refreshment or weariness lies ahead. What I do know, is that I will not be alone. My God is with me.

"Enclosed behind and before...

God...Your hand upon me.

I am surrounded,

     'held' captive,

          trapped by God!

Oh, the comfort of being

covered in the security 

of the Sovereign."

Based on Psalm 139:5

Juanita

July 9,2007

 

 

O Timeless One…

You remain my constant

Ever-present throughout this whirlwind year

Of joy and sorrow

Fresh life and tired endings

Midst battered days of worry,

weary of the turmoil, change

AND

treasured spaces of blissed calm,

beauty, hope

Your grace has held the moments,

kept me

The year’s finale

leads me here…

to humble, grateful worship

O Timeless One

Juanita

Christmas 2022

Oh how I love you two!

                "Is nothing in life ever straight and clear; the way children see it?"  Rosie Thomas  

Humble Gratitude

She has arrived!!!  Nika Lissette came into this world safe and healthy on Sunday March 13 at 1:41 am.  She was born at home, weighing in at 7lb 5oz.  She shares her birthday with her late Great Nana Dot who went to be with Jesus just over two years ago.

Grandad with a happy big brother Seaton and Nika

Nana in bliss

Humble gratitude for this precious gift of life to our family

  

 

Time

"There will never be enough time 

if we think of it as a commodity to consume

 rather than a gift to enjoy."

Jerry Sittser

"How God Redeems the Story of Your Life"

The last time I wrote in here was the first day of Advent.  Since then, so much life has been lived.  

My daughter, sister, nephew and girlfriend all came home for Christmas.  Amidst rapid tests and colds, and the stress of it all, we gave thanks for the family we could enjoy and missed the ones we were unable to be with.  The numbers thing you know.

Since then, a new year has been welcomed, my precious grandson turned two, we marked two years since my stepmom is gone and I turned another year older.  

I have continued to bask in the joy and simplicity of Seaton.  Though he doesn't know it, he is the one who teaches me to be present in the moment, and to slow down and appreciate the mundane and familiar.  My life is rich beyond words because of him.  

At the other end of the spectrum are my in-laws, who teach me slowing and simplicity as well, but in ways that often sadden my spirit.  

There is a sacredness to the sunrise and the sunset of life.

Around the corner lies the season of Lent; a time of reflection and sacrifice, of looking within and outwardly, of remembering and recommitting to a suffering, yet risen Savior. 

And, on the horizon is the much anticipated arrival of our granddaughter.  We wait, eager to meet this precious new life and have her join our family.

The days are full, at times in ways which weary me, and at other times, invigorate.  This too is life, the ebb and flow.  

One day at a time.

Making Space

 The eve of Advent.

Oh how ready my heart is for this holy season.

How I desire to be present to the Spirit of God whispering, nudging, guiding.

I am waiting in a unique way this year.  There are numerous circumstances, relationships, desires, within my life, and those I love, in which a wanting is present.  A wanting  for healing, closure, answers, hope.  A reconciling, a fresh start.  Places where there is no big red bow entwined signifying "all is well."

This is nothing new this Christmas, but how I am approaching it is.  All of these places, where life is not right, have become spaces for God.  Roomy, unsatisfied, hushed spaces, where I can meet with God.  The circumstances remain unchanged, and yet, can anything truly be untouched when God is present?

Advent, a season, a space of time for waiting.  Waiting for Emmanuel to come, AND waiting with Emmanuel for the restoring of all things.

Oh how ready my heart is for this holy season season.