Reflections on Grace and Abundance

Wednesday April 5, 2023

Here I am.  The final morning of my three day silent retreat, and the closing days of Lent.

Grace and Abundance.

This was to be my Lenten practice; that which was to frame these past 40 days.  

Grace; unmerited favor.  Christy Nockels sings, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound."  Ahhh, yes, sweet, powerful and welcome.  And a part of me fully and completely desires this grace.  As the lyrics continue, "Grace flows down and covers me,"  I find myself oh so wanting to be drenched in this grace.  

Another part of me, the "doer", the recovering perfectionist, finds it difficult to fathom that I myself, cannot DO SOMETHING to earn the favor of God.  God knows I've tried...exhausted myself at times.  The cycle always returns me spent AND grateful...for grace.  

"This is what the Sovereign LORD,

the Holy One of Israel

says,

'Only in returning to me

and resting in me

will you be saved."

Isaiah 30:15a

And so to Him I return time and again...and rest.  

Grace these past weeks, in large and small ways.  Grace for the sin ever before me.  Grace for my feeble, weary self.  Grace to begin anew, every day.  Grace, that Jesus allowed His betrayal for me.

"From his abundance we have all received,

grace upon grace."

John 1:16

More and more I will determine to live in this grace.

Abundance, the opposite of scarcity.  Jesus gives out of His abundance, his very life, first and foremost.  And then, because He wills not to stop there, He lavishes abundance to me in the dailiness of life.  Abundance, the bliss of my grandchildren, Seaton and Nika.  Abundance, Sabbath rest.  Abundance, snow squalls and cardmaking garage sales.  Why?!  I deserve none of it.  Jesus could have chosen to save me and then leave me struggling til heaven.  He owes me nothing!!  And yet gives and gives and gives, in abundance.

Repeatedly, grace and abundance were woven together.  Truly, can they be separated???

For that which is abundant is indeed grace.  And grace itself is an offering of abundance.

Lent--A Practice of Grace and Abundance

Lent is a challenging observance for one who is a recovering legalist.  Giving up something simply begs of another way to follow the rules which is undeniably not the purpose of Lent.  One of the ways my Spiritual Director framed Lent was like this--"It's not a dreary season, but rather a time of asking, "What did God give up for me?  What is binding me?"  

But what if so much of life is binding?  What if there is still such untangling to be done from the knots of  rigidity?  This is where I found myself in the weeks leading up until Lent.  I petitioned God to reveal to me what it was that I should set aside for 40 days and there was never a response.  The thought occurred to me that perhaps there wasn't an ask.   When I relayed this and other thoughts to my Spiritual Director she began to ask questions:

What stands in the way of freedom?

What does honoring the sacrifice of Jesus look like?

How does living the abundant life look?

If my child was asking, "What do I need to do to honor you?" how would I answer?  

By the end of our session, my spirit had switched from a heaviness to a lift of anticipation.  Maybe Lent this year could be a unique invitation to something more than what is relinquished?

Within days, two words began to resurface.  Grace and Abundance.  And then in an unhurried way the "practice" of grace and abundance began to form.  

On Ash Wednesday I began Lent with Communion and the reading of 1 Corinthians 11:23-26

"For I pass on to you what I received from the Lord himself.  On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it.  Then he broke it in pieces and said, 'This is my body, which is given for you.  Do this in remembrance of me'. In the same way, he took the cup of wine after supper, saying, 'This cup is the new covenant between God and his people--an agreement confirmed with my blood.  Do this in remembrance of me as often as you drink it.  For every time you eat this bread and drink this cup, you are announcing the Lord's death until he comes again.'"

I ended these moments listening to Christy Nockel's sing, "Grace Flows Down".  It became clear to me that I was being directed to continue this daily practice of communion with various music to come alongside.  The passage Paul gave us is rich in meaning and depth and yes, grace.  There is a striking amount to take in.

As the days of Lent unfold, the Spirit informs the expressions of abundance in my everyday life.  Sometimes it's the awareness of warm water pouring from the showerhead, the lather of shampoo through my fingers, the soft towel against my body and I give thanks for abundance.  At other times it's the energy of body and spirit to step in and serve and I give thanks for the abundance of strength and ability in this mortal frame.  The next day, I collapse into the abundance of rest available when I need it.  Still, another time, abundance seeps out of my pores as I sit in my card making studio and create, giving thanks that "I get to do this!"  And on and on the list grows.

Grace and abundance are inextricably linked.  His sacrifice for me, abundant.  His grace, so much greater than all my sin is lavished on me in abundance.  The bounty in my life, a beautiful grace of God and overflowing in abundance.  Grace and abundance build on one another.

Lent is a flowering path for me this year as the Spirit allows me to notice grace and abundance in a myriad of ways.  And it's only just begun.

Remembering

Three years.

It doesn't seem possible for this length of time to have elapsed since my stepmom's home-going.  So much has unfolded without her here to witness.  Still, she lives on in my stored memory and the tangible objects which grace my home.  A dish from the cupboard or recipe from her cookbook speak of the art of cooking scrumptious meals she was so well known for.  A jewelry piece reflects her love of bling and the strikingly stylish way about her.  I suspect I have enough of her stickers to decorate my own cards ad infinitum.  Seaton already uses some, and I imagine Nika, born on her great Nana's birthday, will one day find great delight in them as well.  

It's not uncommon for me to hear her voice in my mind, approving, or not, of something I have done, clothing I purchase, décor I create.  I imagine her queries and outspokenness, her expressive body language and grandiose laughter.  I picture her impeccable handwriting and the lavish table spread she would set out.

Carol Crandell wisely said, "You don't heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes, you heal because of what you do with the time."

My grief was complicated.  Perhaps everyone feels this way but with their own nuances.  Our relationship had broken places.  Rivers of healing had poured over us throughout the years and we gratefully lived it.  And....there remained cracks where the healing waters seeped through.  Investing time and energy to peer into the murkiness and name what I found, has brought fresh healing.  I had wanted more for us.  Feasibly, she did as well.  Today I am largely at peace on this journey, a grace of God.

I'm of the opinion that grief's journey has no end.  It ebbs and flows.  It's quieter, until it's not.  I expect there will be waves that come and go, based on seasons of life, around me and within.  Today, the waters are still...serene.  

Three years.  

With Me

                                                                 

Several weeks ago, when the coming year was still being crowded out by the celebration of Christmas, I adopted my slow, methodical reflective posture.  Actually, it had begun the beginning of Advent when I returned to the previous year's Advent devotional.  Within the pages were my prayers and thoughts, worries and wonders of the closing weeks of 2021.  Rereading, brought up close and personal, a little of what had occupied my body and soul. 

A year later, the unknown days of 2022 are well-known, and I have sifted through some of what transpired.  In those early reflections I began to notice a negativity creeping in; a jaded and yes, anxious feeling towards the year ahead.  It would have been easy to allow this to continue.  It hasn't just been the past 365 days which have worn me.  For a number of years now, there have been copious amounts of grief, stresses, and an over all sense that life is hard.  And so I will allow myself at least the space to acknowledge this. 

Another reality is that I am getting older.  Surprise, surprise!!  Fifty-eight is not far away, and though the number does not bother me, the truth is that life, at this stage, brings with it increasing adversity, in various forms.  Gratefully, so much within my own life is wonderful; it's those near and dear to me facing suffering. This then has a rippling effect on my own life.  And there I am again, not feeling quite ready to embrace another year because after all, it's going to have its share of struggle.  

And what if????

As all of this was filtering through my spirit, the Spirit of God directing me to truths He knew I needed.

"Search for the LORD and for his strength; continually seek him."  Psalm 105:4  

"My Presence will go with you..."  Exodus 33:24

"...for you are close beside me."  Psalm 23:4b

"Do not be afraid or discouraged for the LORD will personally go ahead of you.  He will be with you; he will never fail you nor abandon you."  Deuteronomy 31:8

"You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me."  Psalm 139:5

I am not walking into the new year alone!!  

My God goes "ahead of me",

 he is "with me", 

"beside me", 

"behind and before" me

his "hand upon me"!!

It doesn't get better than this, I thought.

And then it did.

Two days ago a friend was sharing God's work in her own soul and gifted me with this scripture:

"Do not call to mind the former things,

Or ponder things of the past.

Behold, 

I 

will 

do 

something 

new,

Now it will spring forth;

Will you not be aware of it?

I will ever make a roadway in the wilderness,

Rivers in the desert."

Isaiah 43:18,19

Though I have read these words countless times, they came to me fresh and overflowing with hope. These few words are overflowing with an abundance only God provides. 

I have no idea what the coming year holds.  I don't know what joy or sorrow, refreshment or weariness lies ahead. What I do know, is that I will not be alone. My God is with me.

"Enclosed behind and before...

God...Your hand upon me.

I am surrounded,

     'held' captive,

          trapped by God!

Oh, the comfort of being

covered in the security 

of the Sovereign."

Based on Psalm 139:5

Juanita

July 9,2007

 

 

O Timeless One…

You remain my constant

Ever-present throughout this whirlwind year

Of joy and sorrow

Fresh life and tired endings

Midst battered days of worry,

weary of the turmoil, change

AND

treasured spaces of blissed calm,

beauty, hope

Your grace has held the moments,

kept me

The year’s finale

leads me here…

to humble, grateful worship

O Timeless One

Juanita

Christmas 2022

Oh how I love you two!

                "Is nothing in life ever straight and clear; the way children see it?"  Rosie Thomas  

Humble Gratitude

She has arrived!!!  Nika Lissette came into this world safe and healthy on Sunday March 13 at 1:41 am.  She was born at home, weighing in at 7lb 5oz.  She shares her birthday with her late Great Nana Dot who went to be with Jesus just over two years ago.

Grandad with a happy big brother Seaton and Nika

Nana in bliss

Humble gratitude for this precious gift of life to our family

  

 

Time

"There will never be enough time 

if we think of it as a commodity to consume

 rather than a gift to enjoy."

Jerry Sittser

"How God Redeems the Story of Your Life"

The last time I wrote in here was the first day of Advent.  Since then, so much life has been lived.  

My daughter, sister, nephew and girlfriend all came home for Christmas.  Amidst rapid tests and colds, and the stress of it all, we gave thanks for the family we could enjoy and missed the ones we were unable to be with.  The numbers thing you know.

Since then, a new year has been welcomed, my precious grandson turned two, we marked two years since my stepmom is gone and I turned another year older.  

I have continued to bask in the joy and simplicity of Seaton.  Though he doesn't know it, he is the one who teaches me to be present in the moment, and to slow down and appreciate the mundane and familiar.  My life is rich beyond words because of him.  

At the other end of the spectrum are my in-laws, who teach me slowing and simplicity as well, but in ways that often sadden my spirit.  

There is a sacredness to the sunrise and the sunset of life.

Around the corner lies the season of Lent; a time of reflection and sacrifice, of looking within and outwardly, of remembering and recommitting to a suffering, yet risen Savior. 

And, on the horizon is the much anticipated arrival of our granddaughter.  We wait, eager to meet this precious new life and have her join our family.

The days are full, at times in ways which weary me, and at other times, invigorate.  This too is life, the ebb and flow.  

One day at a time.

Making Space

 The eve of Advent.

Oh how ready my heart is for this holy season.

How I desire to be present to the Spirit of God whispering, nudging, guiding.

I am waiting in a unique way this year.  There are numerous circumstances, relationships, desires, within my life, and those I love, in which a wanting is present.  A wanting  for healing, closure, answers, hope.  A reconciling, a fresh start.  Places where there is no big red bow entwined signifying "all is well."

This is nothing new this Christmas, but how I am approaching it is.  All of these places, where life is not right, have become spaces for God.  Roomy, unsatisfied, hushed spaces, where I can meet with God.  The circumstances remain unchanged, and yet, can anything truly be untouched when God is present?

Advent, a season, a space of time for waiting.  Waiting for Emmanuel to come, AND waiting with Emmanuel for the restoring of all things.

Oh how ready my heart is for this holy season season.

Life is Full

So often, the evening comes alongside me, surprising me with its arrival.  Where did the hours go?  I rehearse my day with all its plans and "interruptions" and the full way in which life unfolded.  I close the day, sometimes weary, at times anxious and confused, and other times calm and enriched.  This is life in its fullness.

The days are more expansive now that the world is opening up.  I was eager to actually be with people, in ways which have been absent for far too long.

I became an Essential Caregiver for my mother-in-law a number of months ago.  I visit with her weekly, with my father-in-law joining for a part of the visit.  This time we share is both painful and rich and always something I consider to be an honor.  Mum is in late stage dementia, being mostly nonverbal, confined to a wheelchair and having varying degrees of awareness/alertness on any given day.  I show her pictures of family and watch for even the smallest hint of recognition.  At times she will point or look at me and I wonder if something clicked.  Mostly, it's as though she stares right through them.  I sing to her, read scripture and pray, yearning for a sign that the beautiful life she lived in years past, has triggered her memory.  I pray for her to go home to be with Jesus and still she is here.  So much in life is a mystery.  She is peaceful and at times engaging in the ways that she is able.  For this I give thanks.

On July 12, we celebrated my father-in-law's 90th birthday, in part outside of his Retirement residence and the remainder at our place in the gazebo on the grounds.  My renowned piper- brother-in-law came from out of town and piped in a man whose hunched shoulders and shuffling gait reveal the many years he has lived.  I was able to bring Mum from the adjoining Long-term care building so that she could share in the festivities.  Other close family were present in ways that we have not been since Christmas 2019.   At one point I broke down crying in gratitude and relief, sadness and joy.  So much was weather dependent and we were gifted with a beautiful sunny day.  Mum and Dad have both declined exponentially throughout the pandemic.  It was heartbreaking and beautiful to see them sitting together, masked and in their various stages of decline.  He holds her hand and every so often, she will reach for his.

Dad and his three sons

Brian and I were able to get away the end of July for a few days to celebrate our 30th anniversary.  Again, it's the age-old reality of the swift passing of time.  Thirty years of the fullness of life shared together.  We have had long and painful seasons, not in our relationship but health-wise.  Those "winter" months only brought us closer  We continue to grow and learn together in sometimes surprising ways. 

Recently, my sister was able to fly home from the West.  Again, the challenges in our pandemic world have kept us apart for an elongated stretch of time.  So much has happened since she was home last.  Mom had just died and we had celebrated her life with gusto in a pre-Covid world.  The days and months which followed were filled with adjusting, not just to life without Mom, but also life with Covid.  In time, those of us who live here, sorted through the remnants of Mom's earthly life, Dad remarried, sold the condo and moved in with his new wife, Candie.  So it was "just this" that my sister was coming home to.  Sigh.

Life was full for those nine days.  At times it felt like emotional whiplash, moving from times of sadness to levity in a brief span of time.  Chris, Charmaine and my Dad went to my mother Violet's grave to clean the headstone, mark "50" years ( April 2020, but Covid) and for me to scatter some of my stepmom's ashes on my mother's grave.  Grief can burst through like a storm cloud and then the rays of sunshine beat down.

 

 

Several days later we gathered as family for a brief Committal service and interring of Mom's ashes.  I would have loved if everyone could have been there--all spouses and grandchildren and great grandchild.  What I truly wanted was "the same"...for it to feel like there was still some semblance of normalcy in our family.  Can't we just rewind time and live out the moments of yesteryear?  That all of us siblings and my Dad were there was of great importance for me.  We had waited for my sister Chris.  We needed and she needed to be a part of this next step in our grief journey.  A part of it felt like we were closing a chapter and perhaps we were.  New chapters are being written and yet interspersed in the pages are the memories which never die.  Mom was larger than life and who she was and how she gave of herself. 

Dad and Candie are writing a new chapter together.  There is no age limit to love or to a whirlwind romance. The dust has settled and I have mostly caught my breath.   It's been like a rebirth for both of them and, a "feeling my way", along the way for me.  It's true that I have "been here before" and yet at five the landscape is entirely different than at 56.  They live life and do life so well together and for this I am so grateful.  As Henry Nouwen has said, "Everything is grace." 

And then there is my Bliss, otherwise known as my grandson Seaton.  I will state right upfront that I make no apologies for my utter delight in being a Nana to this precious little boy.  A part of me came alive when he was born and I feel humbly blessed to spend so much time with him and his world.  Wednesday afternoons are still referred to as "Seaton Therapy".  In the middle of the week I get to step out of whatever it is that is weighing me down or needing my attention and focus on this one little human being. I've been told that when his Mommy or Daddy reminds him it's "Nana day", that he jumps up and down chanting "Nana, Nana, Nana".  Does it get better than that??!!!!  It's as though he has reached into the Mama part of me and redeemed it.  All that I missed, for any number of reasons, I am reveling now.  I notice what he notices, and if I don't, he will tell me:)  Life is simple and uncomplicated and full of constant discoveries.  Each week he is saying new words and revealing a little more of his personality  It's mesmerizing just to watch how he interacts with the world around him.

 

 

 

 Watching these two parent and being a part of their household is invigorating and refreshing.  

Soon, oh so very soon, my sweet pea, 26 year old baby girl will be home and our family will once again be together.  Seaton was two months old when she saw him last so they will have some catching up to do!!!  It won't take long!!  For me, it's like waiting for Christmas and that one beautifully wrapped gift under the tree that has your name on it.  I know my girl is coming home for more than just her Mama, but oh my, her Mama's heart is beating with anticipation.

AND, we will be able to meet in person, her boyfriend Trystan.

 Life is full.  At times it's like a clear, flowing waterfall with its beauty and soothing sounds.  Some days it's a torrent of rushing water that I want to stop up and can't.  And still other times it's a quiet lake with storm clouds on the horizon and I'm trying to enjoy the moment before the weather changes.  

Every morning I thank God for his new mercies to me and to those I love.  

Today is a gift from my Creator.  

Life is a gift from Him and in its fullness I find Him near.

. 

Picture by Charmaine S

"Ever-present God,

You call us on a journey to a place we do not know.

We are not where we started.

We have not reached our destination,

We are not sure where we are or who we are.

This is not a comfortable place.

Be among us, we pray.

Calm our fears, save us from discouragement and help us to stay on course.

Open our hearts to guidance so that our journey to t his unknown place continues as a journey of trust.

Amen."

The Rev. Canon Kristi Philip