So often, the evening comes alongside me, surprising me with its arrival. Where did the hours go? I rehearse my day with all its plans and "interruptions" and the full way in which life unfolded. I close the day, sometimes weary, at times anxious and confused, and other times calm and enriched. This is life in its fullness.
The days are more expansive now that the world is opening up. I was eager to actually be with people, in ways which have been absent for far too long.
I became an Essential Caregiver for my mother-in-law a number of months ago. I visit with her weekly, with my father-in-law joining for a part of the visit. This time we share is both painful and rich and always something I consider to be an honor. Mum is in late stage dementia, being mostly nonverbal, confined to a wheelchair and having varying degrees of awareness/alertness on any given day. I show her pictures of family and watch for even the smallest hint of recognition. At times she will point or look at me and I wonder if something clicked. Mostly, it's as though she stares right through them. I sing to her, read scripture and pray, yearning for a sign that the beautiful life she lived in years past, has triggered her memory. I pray for her to go home to be with Jesus and still she is here. So much in life is a mystery. She is peaceful and at times engaging in the ways that she is able. For this I give thanks.
On July 12, we celebrated my father-in-law's 90th birthday, in part outside of his Retirement residence and the remainder at our place in the gazebo on the grounds. My renowned piper- brother-in-law came from out of town and piped in a man whose hunched shoulders and shuffling gait reveal the many years he has lived. I was able to bring Mum from the adjoining Long-term care building so that she could share in the festivities. Other close family were present in ways that we have not been since Christmas 2019. At one point I broke down crying in gratitude and relief, sadness and joy. So much was weather dependent and we were gifted with a beautiful sunny day. Mum and Dad have both declined exponentially throughout the pandemic. It was heartbreaking and beautiful to see them sitting together, masked and in their various stages of decline. He holds her hand and every so often, she will reach for his.
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| Dad and his three sons |
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Brian and I were able to get away the end of July for a few days to celebrate our 30th anniversary. Again, it's the age-old reality of the swift passing of time. Thirty years of the fullness of life shared together. We have had long and painful seasons, not in our relationship but health-wise. Those "winter" months only brought us closer We continue to grow and learn together in sometimes surprising ways.
Recently, my sister was able to fly home from the West. Again, the challenges in our pandemic world have kept us apart for an elongated stretch of time. So much has happened since she was home last. Mom had just died and we had celebrated her life with gusto in a pre-Covid world. The days and months which followed were filled with adjusting, not just to life without Mom, but also life with Covid. In time, those of us who live here, sorted through the remnants of Mom's earthly life, Dad remarried, sold the condo and moved in with his new wife, Candie. So it was "just this" that my sister was coming home to. Sigh.
Life was full for those nine days. At times it felt like emotional whiplash, moving from times of sadness to levity in a brief span of time. Chris, Charmaine and my Dad went to my mother Violet's grave to clean the headstone, mark "50" years ( April 2020, but Covid) and for me to scatter some of my stepmom's ashes on my mother's grave. Grief can burst through like a storm cloud and then the rays of sunshine beat down.
Several days later we gathered as family for a brief Committal service and interring of Mom's ashes. I would have loved if everyone could have been there--all spouses and grandchildren and great grandchild. What I truly wanted was "the same"...for it to feel like there was still some semblance of normalcy in our family. Can't we just rewind time and live out the moments of yesteryear? That all of us siblings and my Dad were there was of great importance for me. We had waited for my sister Chris. We needed and she needed to be a part of this next step in our grief journey. A part of it felt like we were closing a chapter and perhaps we were. New chapters are being written and yet interspersed in the pages are the memories which never die. Mom was larger than life and who she was and how she gave of herself.
Dad and Candie are writing a new chapter together. There is no age limit to love or to a whirlwind romance. The dust has settled and I have mostly caught my breath. It's been like a rebirth for both of them and, a "feeling my way", along the way for me. It's true that I have "been here before" and yet at five the landscape is entirely different than at 56. They live life and do life so well together and for this I am so grateful. As Henry Nouwen has said, "Everything is grace."
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And then there is my Bliss, otherwise known as my grandson Seaton. I will state right upfront that I make no apologies for my utter delight in being a Nana to this precious little boy. A part of me came alive when he was born and I feel humbly blessed to spend so much time with him and his world. Wednesday afternoons are still referred to as "Seaton Therapy". In the middle of the week I get to step out of whatever it is that is weighing me down or needing my attention and focus on this one little human being. I've been told that when his Mommy or Daddy reminds him it's "Nana day", that he jumps up and down chanting "Nana, Nana, Nana". Does it get better than that??!!!! It's as though he has reached into the Mama part of me and redeemed it. All that I missed, for any number of reasons, I am reveling now. I notice what he notices, and if I don't, he will tell me:) Life is simple and uncomplicated and full of constant discoveries. Each week he is saying new words and revealing a little more of his personality It's mesmerizing just to watch how he interacts with the world around him.
Watching these two parent and being a part of their household is invigorating and refreshing.
Soon, oh so very soon, my sweet pea, 26 year old baby girl will be home and our family will once again be together. Seaton was two months old when she saw him last so they will have some catching up to do!!! It won't take long!! For me, it's like waiting for Christmas and that one beautifully wrapped gift under the tree that has your name on it. I know my girl is coming home for more than just her Mama, but oh my, her Mama's heart is beating with anticipation.
AND, we will be able to meet in person, her boyfriend Trystan.
Life is full. At times it's like a clear, flowing waterfall with its beauty and soothing sounds. Some days it's a torrent of rushing water that I want to stop up and can't. And still other times it's a quiet lake with storm clouds on the horizon and I'm trying to enjoy the moment before the weather changes.
Every morning I thank God for his new mercies to me and to those I love.
Today is a gift from my Creator.
Life is a gift from Him and in its fullness I find Him near.
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