Her Absence

 "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything."  

C. S. Lewis  "A Grief Observed"

 

This is what has marked the past 51 years.

Her absence.

To have been so young has meant only one memory.

To have lived the last 51 years without her, has meant the presence of her absence.

She is spread over everything.

Each year I hold this day in my hands, turning it over, reflecting on that drive down a country road which changed everything.  I marvel that I still play the "if only", the "why?"  These thoughts don't linger long, but they are there.  She was so horribly stolen from my emerging life, how can I not wonder?  I do not wish a different life, only that she could be part of what is.

Time does heal.

Grief work is "rewarded".

Revisiting trauma creates freedom.

AND

this is not how it was supposed to be.

Life is rich and plentiful

AND

there is an empty space that will never be filled

 

I have grown and changed and raised my own beloved children.  A daughter-in-law graces my life.   A grandson has captured a piece of my heart.  My husband makes me feel enormously blessed.   I live with other losses and know places of contentment.  Life is generously purposeful.

AND still her absence remains.

My mother
is forever a part of me because

I was a part of her.