Celebrating 25 Years of Sobriety

"For of His fullness we have all received

And grace upon grace."

--John 1:16

Grace upon grace has been overwhelming us as we celebrated and reflected

25 years of my husband's sobriety.

An Open House at our church yesterday was filled with many moments of

rejoicing with friends old and new.

 

There are countless times where we don't understand God's working in our lives

leaving us confused and doubting His wisdom.

I am sure many people harbored such thoughts throughout 

Brian's drinking "career"...

"Will God ever step in and rescue this slowly dying man?"

And yet on that one stand-alone day...

December 11, 1987

the time was right for a rescue

and life change began

Today, 25 years later we marvel and celebrate and give thanks

to the God who heaps grace upon grace

SO THAT...

another life...

Brian's,

could be a redemptive story living out this grace

in a pain filled, dying world.

 We give thanks to God for our

abundant, grace-filled lives.

Advent Dawns

 It is here...

Advent

And I find myself catching my breath in my spirit.  

I have come to know such a wealth of God in this season of preparation.

It's a call to my soul to be quiet...

reflective...

open to Him who waits for me in the rush of the days.

Expectancy is what I feel

Expectancy to meet Him...

Emmanuel

To see His face where I don't always bother to look

To hear His whisper amidst all the noise of life

To experience His "God-With-Me-Presence"

Pamela Hawkins, in her Advent Devotional, "Behold" challenges me with these words:

"It is not uncommon for us to approach the season of Advent

with lists of our own expectations,

as though the season begins and ends with us."

Ouch.

As much as I have a heartfelt desire to walk intimately with God

this season,

I have to admit that I still have my agenda

Of how the next days should unfold

Of accomplishing all that is on my list of external prepartion

Of how I want God to interact with me as the hours slip by

But what if He has another plan

He's been known to work like that...

I know

Am I willing to lay myself bare...

body, soul and spirit

to Emmanuel

Inviting Him to have His way

whatever way that may be?

My "yes" is slow to slide off my tongue

But it is there

for Him to hear...

Come Lord Jesus

"Come, thou long-expected Jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee."

--Charles Wesley

 

Brokenness

"To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul."

Psalm 25:1

 

This has been my posture as of late. 

 

I continue to lift up my soul to Him that He might nourish and teach and comfort and hold. 

Yes, hold... in His gentle, strong hands.

 

I don't ask as often anymore why these seasons come upon me.  Why light-hearted days turn to days fraught with emotional pain and confusion and struggle.  The answer always eludes me. 

 

What I do know is that these past weeks are more about seeking Him.

Sometimes for guidance, for wisdom....help.

Mostly it is a longing just to "be" as I am with Him.

 

Often, I find no respite from my turmoil.

Still I seek.

And I believe.

Believe He is there even though He seems absent.

 

There is always a place in my soul that grows in these seasons of trial.

The strands of struggle weave a course from sun-up to sundown.

 

Brokenness is the fabric being woven this season.

Strength through brokenness

Beauty in brokenness

God in my brokenness

 

I keep listening...

growing...

 

That is enough

 

 

 



Roadside Treasure and other Generous Gifts

I drove past the pile initially. 

I was on my way to the gym, and it was 7:30 in the morning and I wasn't up to slugging.  But I had perked up a bit by the time I was ready to head home and so decided to make the trek back to the "pile".

Someone must have trimmed their evergreen tree the day before and had left several mounds of branches at the side of the road.  Do you have any idea what a gold mine this is to someone who enjoys outdoor Christmas Decor??!!!!

FREE LIVE GREENS!!!! 

I must admit that there is something incredibly awkward about pulling into a stranger's driveway, opening up the back of my van, and dragging branches from their lawn to my vehicle... with a steady stream of traffic driving by to boot.  But regardless of my "discomfort" I could not pass up such a money saving opportunity! 

Ten minutes later, the back of the van was piled high to the roof and I was patting myself on the back for my extravagant find. 

Herein lies the other generous gift.

I had, as I mentioned stacked branches to the point where my rear window was blocked.  Ah yes...a not-so-wise-move, but gosh, what else could I do!!! 

I waited patiently for sufficient traffic to clear before I backed out on to the street with a fair amount of gas.  And just at the last second, I saw it.  A parked car just inches from my back bumper.  I slammed on the brake watching the boughs shift to clear a part of the window.

And with my heart pounding in my chest, I continued down the street extremely grateful for this very generous gift of avoiding one very expensive stop for FREE live greens.

Prayer Changes Lives

I will be the first to humbly acknowledge my limited understanding of prayer and how, when and why God weaves His purposes as He does through our prayers.  But I will equally and confidently acknowledge that I believe prayer to be a powerful "force" in our lives and that all of its mystery is firmly held in the hands of a sovereign God.

I have grown in both the humility and confidence I harbor in prayer. 

 Each Christmas I am reminded of the longevity and beauty of prayer and this year this has been heightened.

It was about six years ago that I received an unexpected gift at my back door.  It was the Christmas season, but one that held very little joy for my spirit.  The depth of my depression had all but overtaken me and "the most wonderful time of  the year" eluded my entire being.

What I pulled out of the box was a very large glass bowl FILLED with Christmas balls.  The card revealed that these balls were prayers...for me.  My dear friend had been praying and had chosen to tangibly and creatively mark her prayers by putting a ball into the bowl with each breath of her words.  What filled the bowl were her prayers on my behalf.

Each year I come up with new ways of displaying this gift of prayer.

This year...the magnitude of my friend's prayers is touching me anew

.

I can see more clearly today, what was such a nightmarish mystery six years ago.

I still have no understanding of what I perceived as the silence of God.

I cannot explain why suffering gripped me for so long.

I fail to find words to reason the high and holy purposes of a compassionate God.

But I have come to know and trust in the perfect character of my God.

My faith has expanded to allow for the marriage of His mercy and holiness.

My spirit can acknowledge that God's ways are not mine...and I surrender.

And my clearer vision can recognize a path of pain that has led me to a

richer, deeper life of being and ministry.

"Unanswered prayer breaks us, seasons us, and refines us so that, in the end,

we attain greater spiritual depth and greater spiritual power."

--Jerry Sittser

"When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer"

Unanswered prayer or long awaited answers to prayer remain difficult realities in my spiritual journey.

None of what I have learned

has been simple. 

Eugene Peterson has said, "When we pray, 'we decide to leave an ago-centered world and enter a God-centered world--But it is not easy.  

We are used to anxieties, egos and problems;

we are not used to wonder, God and mystery."

I am not the same person I was 6 years ago when my desperate plea-prayers for healing

were left unanswered.

I can't help but think that my friend spoke prayers, yes of healing,

 but also of a cry for a work of God in my being

and of a sustaining of my soul through the maze.

I would not choose to live those years over,

but nor do I regret any step of that arduous path.

"But why doesn't He answer me--

He has answered your prayer.

He has entered into your life,

through the door which you in your helplessness have opened for Him.

He is already dwelling in your heart.

He is doing the good work within you."

--O. Hallesby

Thank you...my friend,

for the eternal gift 

of your prayers. 

 "Christmas is one holiday I have learned to receive like a gift

that varies in size and significance

one year to the next."

--Phyllis Theroux

I realize that I am perhaps somewhat ahead of "schedule" in capturing the Christmas spirit, but I think it stems from beginning to craft Christmas cards several weeks ago.  I even played a new Christmas CD one of the Saturday's in October as I worked away in my studio:)  This week I plan to forge through the attic crawl space to locate Christmas decor.  My husband isn't necessarily in agreement...ha,ha.  Oh how I love the nostalgia of going through containers and boxes, pulling out memories collected over the years.

I wonder too if the newness of this particular Christmas is part of what is moving me into these days of preparation.  It's a newness with that bittersweet taste.  We have a beautiful daughter-in-law joining us in our celebrations and for this I am filled with gratitude.  Still, all that has been a part of our traditions over the years will have a new look because Cam and Sonya will be beginning their own Christmas traditions.  Some of what we have always shared as a family, will now be shared by just three of us.  I'm unsure as of yet, how all of this will unfold, but clearly it will not be the same. 

This Christmas will very much vary in "size and significance".

And I think I'm mostly okay with this transition.  I am learning that the emotions of sadness and joy can coexist.  One doesn't have to be ignored or pushed out of the way for the other.  I even wonder if life isn't the richer for this.  We were created with this incredible depth and intricacy of thoughts and emotions.  Such abundance, although unpredictable, is indeed beautiful.

I wait with an expectant heart for what the Gift-giver has in store this Christmas.

"Unanswered prayer protects us.

It breaks us, 

deepens us, 

exposes us, 

and transforms us.

Ironically, the unanswered prayers of the past,

which so often leave us feeling hurt, abandoned, and disillusioned,

serve as a refiner's fire that prepare us 

for

the unanswered prayers of the future,

if we are willing to look deep into the darkness of our own souls

and persist in prayer when there doesn't seem to be any reason to."

"When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayer"

Jerry Sittser   

I'm Not Able

These are humbling days for me.

Difficult... at times overwhelming... strenuous- in -spirit days.

I'm learning that "I'm not able on my own".

That may sound absurd to many who were fortunate enough to recognize this reality long ago.  But I'm a slow learner.  I have long been one to hold tightly to people or situations even though all is beyond my control.  And it is to my detriment.  I'm so aware of this, but still...oh how this heart of mine aches for the heartaches of so many.

I yearn to soothe the pain, to comfort the broken, to care for the weary, to encourage the discouraged, to walk with the wounded.  And I am able...in meager ways.  But not in the mammoth fashion the my heart pleads to do.

Within the past weeks, a disproportionate amount of aching hearts seems to have come across my path.  So much so that I have had to make some hard choices.  I will either over extend myself and forfeit my own well being, or I must start to live within my limitations.  For sure there is a degree by which I already live within my limited being, but I am aware of an entirely new level where this is needed.

In the midst of these days of decision making, I have Need to Breath's song, "I'm Not Able"  running through my mind.

 There's a host of hurts we come across

None of which alike

From the air inside the birthing room

To the darkness where we die

Though I feel I'm just as strong as any man I know

I'm not able on my own

Carry round the secrets

Only heaven knows

Crawl into our darkened rooms where only victims go

Though I feel I'm strong enough to carry all this load

I'm not able on my own

Oh I want to be strong enough...to carry the load of so many.  But I am so desperately limited and weak and... completely unable to do this on my own.

There is only one Healer

There is only 0ne Rescuer

Only One who is Limitless

Only One who is able.

I am slowly relinquishing this nebulous control I naively think I have.  I am at the edges of freedom as I release loved ones into His proficient care.  I am in the beginning stages of walking this new path of being honest about my inability to meet needs, acknowledging and accepting the reality of letting others down, and of having my heart plunge into a greater trust with the One who is able.

It's a wise, humble, good place for me to be.

"Broken things have been on my mind lately

because so much has broken...

in the lives of the people I love--

hearts, health, confidence.

...our preacher Veronica said recently

that this is life's nature:

that lives and hearts get broken--

those of people we love,

those of people we'll never meet.

She said that the world sometimes feels

like the waiting room of 

the emergency ward and that we who are

more or less OK for now

need to take the tenderest possible care

of the more wounded people 

in the waiting room,

until the Healer comes.

'You sit with people,' she said,

'you bring them juice and graham crackers.'"

--Anne Lamott

"Traveling Mercies" 

Waiting for the Healer...

 

Blooming

 How is it...

that my Gerber Daisies

have more luscious, looking blooms 

in these brisk days of Autumn,

than during the 

"bloom'n days" of summer? 

 

 Perhaps her shades of peachy-pink

are best expressed with the

artistic brush of

harsher, unseasonable temperatures, 

  

 The same seems true for my own life.

Although I long for lazier days of living

where calm and serenity

are my  bosom friends...

 

 it is the unsettling "weather-strewn-days"

that cause me to bend and stretch and lean into

the Son...

these are my days of earnest growing

 

which I pray leads to

a life of fuller, richer

blooms 

Thanksgiving

When I first learned that it was just to be the 3 of us spending Thanksgiving at Eden, there was a sadness in my spirit.  Don't get me wrong...I love the 3 of us.  Brian, Ashley and I have become "3 peas in a pod" so to speak and thoroughly enjoy our time together.  But not having Cam and Sonya with us...or my other two siblings and their families who share ownership of our cottage, was going to be very different.  For years now, the tradition has been that we spend Thanksgiving together, relishing our last few days of the season at this haven and then closing everything up for the winter.

This past week, I began to see how just the three of us might be a blessing in disguise.  Ashley has mostly recovered from Mono, but some extra rest would still be wise.  And playing catch up with homework was still big on her list of things to do.  Myself?  It was becoming more and more apparent that semi-solitude, quiet and rest was what I needed.  And Brian is very much one who appreciates the quiet.

So on Friday afternoon, we packed up the van, picked Ashley up from school and headed to Eden.

The weather was perfect.  Some rain, some sun, howling wind and calm and brisk air.  It's autumn!!!  The wood stove kept us comfy cozy:)  We ate and slept and read and prayed and practiced guitar and plugged away at homework.  I am so very grateful for these days of respite with my hubby and daughter.

Tomorrow I can't wait to see Cam and Sonya and celebrate Thanksgiving with Brian's family.

How many pictures of Autumn can one take?  As many as one desires:)