A Part of Me

I'm not sure how wise this is...blogging at this hour.  But my mind is churning and so perhaps if I write it down, my thoughts will quiet.  I have finished reading my latest book, "Girl Meets God" by Lauren F. Winner. A very intriguing, informative read.  One year in the life of a young woman who has converted from Judaism to Christianity.  And although her story drew me in, it was her style of writing that has so captured me.

Honest, real, authentic.  In other words, when I read of her journey, I'm not left wondering what she's thinking.  It's all right there...laid bare, for all the world to see.  No mincing words, no sugar-coating.  If she's angry, it's red-hot, belching forth.  If she's struggling, her questions run the gamut, no holes bared.  When she is at peace, I am pining away, wanting to experience what it is she has found.  She is raw and beautiful and tragic and rich in her language and it moves me deeply.

Because I long to be that transparent.  To just say it like it is.  Leave nothing left unsaid.  All the questions, doubts, fears, opinions, thoughts and emotions that I so often keep within...open the dam and let them flow.  It sounds so freeing to me.

But it's not me.  Yes, I am authentic.  I can express deep parts of myself.  But it's all very guarded and thought out and careful.  And I know there's something to be said for this way of conversing.  There is wisdom in expressing myself this way.  God's Word is very clear about the beauty or pain caused by words.

What I don't understand is why I find myself longing for Lauren's way of speaking?  Why do I feel trapped by my caution?  Why can't I just relish her openness and still be grateful for my reserve?  Actually, why can't I be both?  ha,ha  Why can't I throw caution to the wind in a graceful way?  Seriously!

I don't know the answer.  And better yet, I'm not even going to try and figure it out tonight.  I'm just going to let it be.  And for someone who likes to tie all the loose ends together...connect the dots, maybe this is just a little bit of me stepping out.  Admitting the hollow places for what they are.

A  part of me.